


One Year

by FrankieFandom



Series: Not Like This [2]
Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Best Friends, Character Death, Chronic Pain, Gen, Head Injury, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Suicide Attempt, Permanent Injury, Service Dogs, Tragedy, hurt!Casey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-09-09 14:54:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 49,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8895088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrankieFandom/pseuds/FrankieFandom
Summary: Sequel to Adjust [ Times and dates meant little to him now, the concept of consequence was beyond him, he lived by a strict schedule of medications and hospital appointments ]





	1. Sam

**Author's Note:**

> The universe I created in Adjust wouldn't leave me alone so here is the sequel. Hope you enjoy reading it as much as I've enjoyed thinking about it all.

It was the morning of January 4th, a significant date for Severide, it had been a year since Casey had woken up from his coma. The date should be significant to Casey as well but it wasn't, most people say that he is only a shadow of who he used to be but Severide knows that is untrue, he was still there, still himself. Times and dates meant little to him now, the concept of consequence was beyond him, he lived by a strict schedule of medications and hospital appointments but he was still Casey, he was Casey without the strict walls he had erected around himself, there was no holding back his emotions now, no worrying about other people's thoughts and opinions. In a way Severide thought he was freer now than he ever had been yet Casey was trapped in a sheltered life without hope of ever moving forward.

Severide turned back from his wardrobe, he finished fastening his shirt and smiled down at his bed, "Casey if you're gonna fall asleep on my bed at least keep to one side of it… Matt?"

Casey muttered something incoherently, rolled over so that he was no longer lying diagonally across the middle of the bed and promptly fell back to sleep.

"All right then…" Severide smiled and shook his head in amusement. Casey still spent a lot of his time asleep, the simplest of tasks exhausted him. He'd entered Severide's room only a few moments ago after knocking, although there had been a few incidents of indecency because Casey still did not wait for an answer after he knocked. He'd needed help with the buttons on his shirt. Severide didn't know why he insisted one wearing them when he didn't have the dexterity to fasten the buttons himself but he knew that Casey wanted to look smart. Today was an exciting day. A day he'd been looking forward to for months.

Casey was getting a dog. Severide had initially been against the idea, that was until James and Shay pointed out that this was something Casey wanted, and he wanted very little these days, and they wouldn't get just any ordinary dog they could get a service dog, one that would be trained to help with Casey's specific needs. Casey had already spent quite a lot of time with him during the training process. At the outset he had been withdrawn, nervous, even worried, but soon opened up to the golden retriever that would be assisting him and the trainer who was extremely patient with both of them. After their first session Casey chose a name for him: Sam.

The idea had entered Casey's mind nearly six months ago when he was sat at a park bench with Severide one warm and sunny afternoon when a border collie had bounded over to them. "Oh sorry he loves people!" a woman called out as she jogged up to them.

"It's ok. We love dogs," Severide smiled and greeted the woman.

Casey paid attention to the dog whilst Severide chatted away, Severide was completely used to this since Casey's attention was generally held for longer when he wasn't involved in a conversation. It was easier for him to continue focusing on his iPad, the TV, his notebook, to others it seemed rude and unsociable but it was just his way of coping with busy situations. It was hard for Casey to focus on fast paced conversations, especially ones with multiple people.

"He likes you," the woman stated as the dog continued to enjoy Casey's affection but the comment went straight over his head, he was too preoccupied to notice anything but the dog in front of him until Severide placed a hand on his arm bringing his focus away from the dog.

"Sorry he's…" Severide began.

It was the start of a sentence Casey had heard many times before, "Damaged," he provided, not the word Severide would have used but it was a word he knew described him perfectly.

"Oh... erm…" the usual awkwardness presented itself whenever the simple fact that Casey wasn't quite 'altogether' presented itself because a lot of the time he looked like anyone else, although his handsome features and wonderstruck eyes stood him out from a crowd.

Casey had learned to use it to his advantage, or at the least he had learned not to be bothered about it. He realised that he often got away with behaviours that wouldn't usually be accepted. "He likes you," he stated forwardly. He doesn't think about the consequences of his words or actions, he lives in the now.

The woman frowned, a mixture of confusion and shock.

"Oh… this isn't a…" Severide started but it was too late.

"Well... I have to go..." she replied and Casey looked dismayed as the dog was pulled away from him.

"Well done Casey," Severide deadpanned.

"What? I'm meant to sit here quietly when you try and get every woman into bed with you," Casey smiled as he spoke eloquently, his level of speech correlated with his awareness and tiredness and he'd slept for nearly fourteen hours the previous night.

"Remind me never to take you to a bar," he commented.

"You hardly ever take me. The lights and the noise confuse me," it upset him when it happened, when he was in the moment, but right now he didn't care, he was content in the present.

"Ah I see your memory's working today," anyone listening into their conversation would be worried about the insensitivity Severide shows Casey, but it's not insensitively, it's their friendship, it was banter between friends.

"I want a dog."

"And I want a Ferrari," the sarcasm went straight through Casey, "… I'm not getting a Ferrari Casey." But he said nothing, his expression remained the same, he either hadn't heard or didn't understand and he just let the comment fly away with the summer breeze.

That had been a good day for Casey. A good day amongst many bad days, days where he struggled to complete the easiest task, where he became so frustrated that the need to hit something, smash something, become too overwhelming. It forced him to see a psychiatrist once a week. At times throughout the last year his doctors had threatened him with admission, not that they informed him. It was Severide they warned, they warned him that if Casey's inability to remain emotionally stable put him in any situation where he could harm someone or himself they would admit him to a long term rehabilitation unit, or even go so far as to have him on a psychiatric ward but the majority of the time, the time when his doctors rarely saw him, he was perfectly amiable, at some points he was even introverted. He was thoughtful and empathetic even though his doctors had said he'd lost that ability along with his cognitive skills when the shards of skull had pierced his brain.

Severide knew that today was going to be a good day, there were signs, great big flashing warning signs, when Casey was going to breakdown, crash and burn, when everything was going to become too much. Today was not one of those days. Everything was going smoothly. Casey was a stickler for schedules and routine. Predictability reduced anxiety, it was when that routine was broken that the world around him crumbled. Severide and James, who was still assisting Casey, they hated to use the word caring but James was caring for Casey most of the time that he was on his own, both of them knew these signs all too well. James was a Godsend to them all. Severide was trying to get on with his own life, he did get on with his own life, but it was hard, hard knowing that most of the things he did Casey would never be able to do again, at least not to the same extent. It made him feel guilty, although he knew Casey wouldn't want that and if it weren't for the accident his best friend would have sensed this guilt, sensed that Severide was worried about getting on and leaving Casey behind stuck in a world of simplicity. What would ever happen if Severide met someone, if he met someone and wanted to start a family? Where would that leave Casey? So Severide continued his brief and often nameless relationships. He continued to organise little trips out, trips that he thought through more than he'd thought through about anything in his private life before. As part of Casey's recovery he needed cognitive stimulation, he needed tasks that stimulated the damaged parts of his brain, but he also needed peace and quiet to focus, he didn't cope well with loud noises and crowded areas so the time and day they went out to the zoo, to various museums, even to the park and lakeside, all had to take that into account. They also needed to take into account how tired Casey became, how he needed a few moments to shut himself off from the world, a safe space from sensory overload, because when it felt like everything is rushing around him it's physically dizzying and exhausting and they couldn't just let him remain in his house for the rest of his life. What life would that be?

"Matt it's time to get up," Severide roused him gently, he woke up slowly and groggily, it took his eyes a few moments to focus. "Your shirt's creased now," Severide commented.

"Sorry…" he mumbled sleepily.

"Do you remember what we're doing?" Severide smiled. Casey had remembered when he'd woken up that morning but the look on his face now clearly told Severide he could no longer recall how excited he'd been for today, "We're picking up…"

"Sam," Casey beamed, "I know. I know. I'm just tired."

"So you were just testing my memory then?" he teased, Casey only looked blankly at him. "Are you thirsty?" Casey shook his head, his unkempt bright blonde hair falling in front of his eyes as he did, he neglected to push it away, Severide made a mental note; he really needed to persuade him to get it cut. "You're not thirsty?" a shake of the head, "Are you sure? It's going to take us an hour to get there."

"We're going now, right?" Casey smiled.

"Yeah," he nodded, "Grab your coat." Casey went off and struggled into his thick winter coat and slipped his black beanie over his head as Severide grabbed the emergency bag and a couple of bottles of water, he knew full well that Casey would say he was thirsty as soon as they set off.

When Severide saw the smile on Casey's face when the handler appeared with Sam he knew all the long trips to and forth the centre had been worth it already. Sam was specifically trained to help Casey with his balance, retrieving dropped items and to help prevent injuries caused by his loss of coordination, his brain couldn't process fast enough when he was moving and he often knocked into the corners of tables, doors, etc. Sam was trained to notice Casey's absent seizures and trained to get help if Casey ever had a grand mal seizure. The grand mal seizures were rare now but they still happened. Sam would also provide some much needed companionship, and reduce any feelings of disassociation. Severide hoped that one day Casey would feel confident enough to go out for a walk around the block by himself, feel confident enough to leave Severide's side without being prompted when they were at the firehouse. Sam's influence would help calm him and focus him when everything feels out of control, when his senses felt like they were being overloaded. He would alert him to any potential hazards, such as a spilt drink or any other trip hazard, he would remind him to take his medication just like Severide or James did, he would help him recognise people in an unfamiliar context. Ultimately Sam would give him back some of the independence he had lost.

"Sam..." the name left Casey's lips quietly as he sat down by him and let the 'adults' talk around him. They had already been working together for months because of Casey's more specific needs and had already grown attached to each other.

"Casey let's get ready to go," Severide said when he'd finished his conversation, he passed Casey Sam's harness, bright red with reflective strips, "You're ok with this?"

Casey nodded and got to work, Sam stood perfectly still whilst Casey fumbled with the large buckles, it took time, it would have been a lot quicker for Severide to do it himself and on occasions in the future he would but Casey liked the control, liked to be able to as much as he could.

"Good?" he looked up to Severide.

"Perfect Casey."

Sam remained still as Casey stood up slowly, using the balance strap on the harness to help himself.

A week passed by, it took Severide and James a little time to get used to Sam following Casey around most of the time, he assisted him with a lot of things they were used to helping him with; reminding him to take his medications when his alarm went off, picking up any stray jigsaw pieces that fell onto the floor, reminding him to drink and eat. He became a constant companion, even sleeping at the end of his bed.

Their first proper trip out together now Sam had completed his training was a simple one; the firehouse. Sam ignored all the distractions of the busy firehouse and remained firmly at Casey's side who in turn remained by Severide's side. Casey sat at the squad table, Sam sat tucked away under his seat, they were playing cards and he stared, mesmerised, at the quickness of their game. Severide had suggested a game he could cope with but he was happy just to watch.

At first Sam had kept his distance from Pouch until Casey indicated that he could go and play as he sat at the common room table, "How old is Sam, Casey?" Herrmann asked, he was a little curious but he also knew it would be a good conversation starter, Casey struggled to start conversations, unless it was out of necessity he remained silent.

Casey looked across to Severide for reassurance but he said nothing, knowing Casey would be just fine, it just took him a little time to reach his comfort zone. Casey looked back towards Herrmann. "How old is Sam?" repeating the question gave himself time to think about the answer, "He turned one a few weeks before he came home. He'll get bigger," he added with a smile.

When James came by to take Casey back home he didn't want to leave, he'd been having too much fun, it had been a slow day at the firehouse, only the ambulance had been called out, it meant Casey had been able to have an uninterrupted time getting involved with everything, almost forgetting that anything had ever changed. But the good days like this never lasted, Severide learnt to appreciate them, Casey couldn't, he lived in the now, if things were good in the moment everything was good, when things were bad, when things were overwhelming, the memories of the good days were overridden.


	2. Out and About

A knock on the front door alerted Sam who promptly made sure Casey opened the door. They were in the house on their own, something that usually made Casey happy, happy that he was trusted to be on his own, Severide was much relaxed than ever before to leave him for a few hours now that Sam was in his life.

"Matt I love you but you're not going out dressed like that," Shay grinned. Sam looked up at her, she was not a stranger so he sat quietly next to Casey.

He frowned, looked down and discovered he'd neglected to change out of his pyjama pants, "Shit." Profanity was a recent development and Shay blamed Severide entirely, Casey hadn't sworn without reason for years, Hallie had hated the habit.

"Yeah…" she replied, still looking down at the checked pyjama pants, "Do you need some help to get changed?"

He shook his head and disappeared into his bedroom, Sam followed him, he didn't need any help because together he and Severide had chosen his outfit last night, a smart outfit that he would need no help to put on, and set the items out in his room because they were going to the Fire Department annual awards ceremony separately. Severide needed to collect his uniform from the dry cleaners, Shay and Casey would come by later, via a short cab journey so that Casey's day wasn't made any longer than needed. They both had awards to collect although Casey didn't know that, he hadn't forgotten, they hadn't told him because Severide didn't want to put any pressure on him, he didn't want him to have to get up in front of everyone if the day didn't go as planned, if the worst happened Severide could just collect Casey's award for him, or anyone else from 51 since the majority of the house would be there.

"Lieutenant Casey!" a voice beamed as a man Casey didn't recognise walked over to him when he entered the hall, Sam sensed Casey's worry and stood in front of him, effectively guarding him, making him feel safer. The man put out his hand ready to shake Casey's but the gesture went ignored, "How are you?"

"Good," he stated as the man's hand fell awkwardly to his side. "You?" he questioned/ They'd been working on initialising conversation recently, the man would never know that this wasn't something Casey did very often. He would answer questions given to him, would ask for things he needed but he would rarely question a stranger with something so ordinary, so unimportant in his mind.

Suddenly that pitying look Casey noticed so often appeared in the man's eyes as he replied, "I'm glad Lieutenant and it's nice to see you out and about," and he left, leaving Casey with a bemused look across his face. The man had never answered the question he'd worked so hard on remembering to say; his doctors weren't always right, he needn't have bothered practicing.

"Matt!" Shay called as he walked over to him, she'd happily left him with Sam only a few moments ago, "We're going to be sat over here. It starts soon so let's sit down."

They were sat at the back of the hall; Severide had requested it so that Casey wouldn't feel so overwhelmed by a crowd of people sat around him.

Casey sat down at the end of the back row and Sam positioned himself under the seat. "Do I know him?" he asked Shay, looking at the man who had just greeted him, questions like that always seemed worried everyone around him, he had issues with his short term memory but his long term memory had been intact after the accident. They jotted down notes whenever something seemed off about him, it was important to track his progress, important for his regular doctors appointments.

"Who are you looking at?"

He made to point the man out but he was stopped.

"Matt we don't point in public, remember?"

He looked away petulantly, how else was he supposed to show Shay who he was talking about?

"Describe him," but Casey didn't look in the man's direction again, "Matt describe him for me?" she asked again, as if it was some sort of exercise he did with one of his doctors or with James.

"No," he was annoyed now, borderline angry, and Shay noticed a few people had turned to look at the two of them so she dropped the subject even though she knew that Severide would have pushed him for an answer.

The ceremony began, Severide gave them a brief a wave from his seat at front of the hall with Boden and a few others from 51, Casey didn't notice the greeting, he was still frustrated, his thoughts were spinning around and around non-stop until there was a loud uproar, or at least that's what it sounded like to him when everyone began to clap, he scrunched his eyes shut.

"Matt?" he opened his eyes to see find Shay looking at him sadly, or was she worried? "It's ok. We're here for Kelly, remember?"

He nodded and sat up straighter and tried to calm himself, he really did try, but he could feel himself slipping, he took some steadying breaths, a technique they'd worked on when everything became overwhelming but there was another cascade of clapping around him. It felt like thunder to his head. He bolted. Sam followed him out of the hall.

Sat at the front of the hall in his dress uniform Severide had been happy to see that Casey and Shay were seated; he'd been worried Casey would back out at the last minute even though it had been written in his schedule for a couple a months and on the whiteboard in his room. The Fire Commissioner was introduced to a loud applause, he looked back and could already see Casey struggling, the noise died down and it looked as though Shay had everything under control. There was another round of applause, Severide glanced back to see Shay stood, he couldn't see Casey. He caught Shay's eye, she just shook her head, he made to leave the hall but he heard his name announced. He took one more look in Shay's direction and saw her leaving the hall so he put on a smile and walked up to the front and received his award, he had planned a short speech but dropped it for a simple thank you. Just before he left he leant over to the Fire Commissioner and spoke quietly, "Casey won't be accepting his."

Severide found Casey just outside the hall on the floor with Sam, Shay was sat next to him, he looked down at them for a few moments, his presence had been unnoticed by Casey who's hand was lying gently on Sam's golden fur, Severide unbuttoned his jacket and slid down next to him, "You ok buddy?"

"Sorry…" Casey muttered, eyes still focused down on Sam.

Severide went to touch his hand but Shay warned him not to with a quick shake of her head, sometimes Casey couldn't bear to be touched, it often happened after a panic attack. Because of this reaction, because of his position down on the floor with his back against the wall, because of his red rimmed eyes and Shay's concerned features Severide knew it must have taken her and Sam quite some time to calm him down. He could just picture him pacing around, anxiously scratching his arm, scrunching his eyes shut, even slamming his hands against his own head. He shook the images away, "This is for you Matt," he passed him the little velvet box, open so he could see the contents.

"What for?" Casey frowned, he knew all too well that he couldn't work so why was he being given an award, he hadn't earnt anything.

"Rescuing that baby and…"

"And doing this to myself?" his response was remarkably quick and articulate considering how tired he looked, how lethargic he seemed after his panic attack, "I don't want it."

"I get that, I understand," Severide nodded, "I'll keep it for you though, you did earn it."

"You got one?" he eyed the other box Severide held.

"Yeah," Severide had received an award for his actions when they were first on the scene at the terrorist attack last year, the terrorist attack that he never told Casey about, where Shay had been hurt and hundreds of others had been injured or killed, he hadn't wanted to tell him, hadn't wanted to cause any distress. He didn't regret his decision. "They're all going to be filing out of here in less than thirty minutes, shall we get out here?"

"You want to?" it was important that it wasn't because of Casey they were leaving early, he didn't want to be the reason they forewent the rest of the ceremony and the drinks afterwards.

"Yeah," Severide smiled and then helped him up off the floor.

Back at home he helped Casey into bed after making sure both he and Sam had a little something to eat. Shay lingered by his bedroom door, "I've never seen him get that bad Kelly," she commented.

"I should never have asked him to come. I thought he'd want to… but the old Matt wouldn't have wanted to so why… the old Matt, I can't think about it like that. I feel like I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm making all the wrong decisions," he sighed, "He has a lot more bad days than good days."

"Sam helped, he really did, I didn't do anything, I tried but he wouldn't listen to me. Sam helped and he wouldn't have been there if it weren't for you," she consoled.

He shook his head, "Sam cost a lot of money… a lot of Casey's money… God… I'm spending his money on things he…"

"He can't deal with things like money, you know he can't, you're doing the right thing, you're… maybe you need a break?"

"I'm not going to mess up his routine," he stated, "Do you want some lunch? I gave Casey the last of the bread… he won't eat anything but turkey sandwiches at the moment… I've got some leftover pizza I can offer you." Grocery shopping day was tomorrow, a trip Casey and James did together since his irrational fear, rational to his damaged brain, that had developed after he'd seized in the middle of the aisles nearly eleven months ago had been conquered. Casey eventually came to the conclusion himself that it was something he needed to do; if he couldn't even go food shopping then he really was a burden to everyone.

She smiled, "Left over pizza it is then."

A few days later Severide was met with a lovely surprise when he returned home from work to find Casey very alert and smiling, he was sat across the dining table from James, his iPad in front of him.

"Hey," Casey looked up brightly.

"Morning," he smiled, "You're happy."

"We're going swimming later," Casey stated.

"Really?" he mocked.

Casey looked unimpressed by his joke, but he'd understood it was a joke, a rare occasion, "If I know we're going then you certainly do."

It was true, Severide knew Casey's schedule inside out. Shay often commented that neither of them would survive without the large whiteboard in Casey's room, she'd never known Severide to be so organised but it was true without scheduling and routine everything would be a mess. Medication had to be taken at certain times, there were scheduled hospital appointments, check-ups, psychiatric sessions and physical therapy sessions, although Casey much preferred to go swimming and do a few simple exercises at home with James to help his motor functions than spent yet more time at the hospital because even though he went a maximum of four times a month he dreaded it each time, no matter what the appointment was for. And the doctors all said had little forethought despite dreading such activities, despite looking forward to Severide arriving home after his shift.

"What if I don't wanna go?" Severide smiled, teasingly.

"I didn't want to go last week but you made me, does that not work the other way?"

"You remember that?"

"I may not remember some things but I remember some things…" he trailed off, frowning, it sounded better in his head. Most things did.

"I'll be off," James stood up from the table, "I'll see on Thursday morning Matt," but Casey didn't reply, he'd already become engrossed in the 'Connect Four' game on his iPad once again. James stopped by Severide as he left, "He was asleep most of the day yesterday, still slept through the night though, we went for a short walk with Sam after lunch, he didn't want to do anything else."

"Thanks James."

A rare trip to Molly's a few weeks later for Mouch's birthday celebrations had Casey sat with Tony, Capp and Severide, Sam was sat discreetly under his chair.

"Birthday cake!" Herrmann announced cheerfully as he arrived at their table with a few plates on a little tray and a birthday hat firmly secured to his head. Casey shook his head when a slice was pushed towards him; "You don't want any?" Herrmann asked lightly, it wasn't a secret that Casey had become a fussy eater.

Casey just shook his head again and ignored the plate in front of him.

Herrmann smiled and commented, "Mouch will be upset if you don't have any."

Casey frowned and thought for a few moments. "No," he stated, "Mouch would be upset if someone ate _all_ his cake," and when everyone laughed he joined in.

"Go on Case, it's nice," Severide dropped his fork and picked his slice up with his fingers knowing if Casey saw him doing that he wouldn't feel so uncomfortable being unable to hold the fork so well.

"I know what you're doing," he said slowly but Severide's technique worked nevertheless and he picked up the fork.

Soon the plates remained discarded on the table, Casey sat trying his best to keep up with the conversations, even joined in at some points when prompted by Severide.

"Oi Severide," Capp gave a quick nod over to a tall blonde lady who'd been eyeing up there table.

He glanced over to her, he'd noticed her as soon as she walked into the bar. "Oh she's not been lookin' at me, she's looking at this blond beauty," he grinned as he nudged Casey.

"Hey…" Casey protested, whether it to the comment or the nudge was unclear.

"You may have a lost a few brain cells Case but you're still very easy on the eye especially with that mop of hair you won't let anyone cut," Severide teased.

"You don't want your hair cut?" Tony questioned because Casey had always been meticulously about keeping his hair smart.

"I like it," he likes it because it hides the scar, hides the slightly misshaped segment of skull that had been wired back together.

The conversation changed but it didn't take long for Severide to smile and remark, "Case go and talk to her."

"No," he replied immediately because he knew exactly what he was talking about since he had been thinking about the tall blonde since she'd been pointed out by Capp.

"You keep glancing over to her and she _is_ pretty," Severide commented.

"She is," he replied and his eyes wandered over to her.

Severide tapped his arm. "Stop staring and go speak to her. You've got nothing lose and you never know she might be the one," he smiled. "Oh wait Case…" he went off and quickly got two drinks, "Give her this one."

Casey looked back over to her, she was now chatting with her friend, her back turned to them, "She has a drink."

"Her glass is empty, she's finished it," Severide replied.

"Ok," he stood up, told Sam to wait and headed over to the woman, Severide watched and smiled as Casey cleared his throat and got her attention, "Hi. You've finished your drink."

"Hi," she smiled serenely as he held out the new drink, "Thank you. I'm Sophia."

"Hi Sophia."

Severide tried not to keep checking on Casey, he wanted to give him some freedom, but he couldn't help glancing over every few minutes. Tony and Capp had started to have a conversation between themselves since Severide had been paying them little attention.

Herrmann walked over from the bar where he'd been able to listen into Casey and the woman's conversation, "He's fine Severide, he's holding his own. You want another drink?"

"Can't," he replied, "Driving."

At the end of the bar Casey looked incredibly normal. Anyone who wasn't aware that a beam had fallen and sent shards of skull into his frontal and temporal lobes wouldn't have been able to distinguish him from anyone else in the room. He had been holding his own just as Herrmann had said.

"You come here often then?" Sophia asked.

She began twirling a few strands of her blonde hair around her fingers distracting Casey from her question, she also seemed to be speaking faster now, he was becoming tired and finding it much harder to concentrate, the lighting was dark and he'd been straining his eyes for most of the evening, the noise of other people's conversations was beginning to overtake his senses.

"Huh?" he mumbled when it became apparent she was waiting for him to say something.

"Are you all right?" she prompted seeing his glazed look as she swirled her hair carelessly against her bare shoulder.

His eyes remained captivated by her hair, mesmerised as it was weaved through her delicate fingers over the defined curve of her collarbone, he longed to touch it and didn't even realise his hand was already reaching for it. His spatial awareness failed him like it did on many occasions, usually resulting in bumps and bruises or broken glasses and plates. He missed her hair, instead his hand fell lower, his touch was gentle, innocent, but it was not perceived as such, not perceived as a mere accident, a slip of the hand, his actions had seemed purposeful and decisive.

Herrmann was picking up the empty glasses and plates from Severide's table when there was an alarmed shout that rung across the bar; "What the hell do you think you're doing!?"


	3. Laid Bare

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" Sophia yelled.

Casey was struck dumb. He struggled to articulate at the best of times but now he's panicking. He doesn't understand what's happened and why this woman is yelling at him. He opened his mouth, tried to tell her to stop but only an unintelligible sound came out.

Severide shot up so fast Herrmann hadn't even turned around to see what the commotion was about. Casey was backing away, if he wasn't careful he was going to trip and fall, the woman was still yelling and now Severide was calling his name, he looked around in panic, everyone was stood still, stood still and staring, the room was getting smaller and smaller around him.

Suddenly Severide stood was in front of him, he spoke calmly and authoritatively, "Matt I need you stand still, I need you to listen to me…"

Casey was shaking his head fervently, he didn't understand, he wanted the noise to stop, he wanted to ask what was happening but everything was getting jumbled up before he could even attempt to open his lips. His brain was misfiring. Without realising it, without understanding how it happened, he was outside in the bitterly cold air, it was biting against his skin, he was only wearing a simple white shirt, his jacket were still hung on the back of the chair inside the warm bar. Sam was with him but Casey was pacing, pacing up and down by the side of the building. He didn't even realise that Severide was stood by one of the industrial bins feeling completely and utterly useless as he watched Casey's frantic movements, he was scratching at his own arm, enough to draw blood, he needed to stop this but he couldn't, Casey couldn't even hear him, couldn't even see him, he was too worked up, too gone from the moment to realise what he was doing.

Back inside the bar Herrmann spoke up, "All right show's over everyone. Show some respect." Most of their regular patrons had known Casey before his accident and knew of the incident, knew of the brain damage that had stripped him of his career, his girlfriend, his independence, his life.

"Show some respect?" Sophia spat out as everyone else resumed their activities although Boden and the others celebrating Mouch's birthday did so with trepidation, they'd never seen Casey act that way before, they'd never seen that effect of the accident, it was worrying, unnerving even, to see the former truck lieutenant behave in such a way.

"He's brain damaged," Herrmann supplied simply as he went to clean up the glass Casey had dropped.

"And you just let him walk up to me!" she spoke with incredulity, she still looked angry, annoyed.

"What?" Herrmann frowned as he stood back up, broken glass in hand, "He's not an invalid, he's not…"

"He's retarded! And he touched me!" she exclaimed.

"Look lady that man you're calling a retard is a hero, injured saving lives!" – which is more than you'll ever do – Herrmann had to refrain from adding. "You can quit yelling or get out of my bar."

Outside Casey's shirt was now sodden with the snow that was falling gently, much more gently that the thoughts and feelings that were assaulting him, he was still pacing, still moving with frantic and panicked steps. "What did I do… what did I do… what did I do…" he muttered repeatedly, scratching at his arm, blunt fingernails grated against the pale flesh, it was unconscious, not deliberate, none of his current actions were deliberate.

"Casey look, look, you're worrying Sam," Severide tried again, he knew he could do little to help but he knew Sam calmed him, grounded him, more than he ever could.

A few moments later Severide let out a sigh of relief as Casey stood still and let his arms drop to his sides, his tense shoulders sagged, and he looked as though the whole world was crumbling on top of him. The truth was that Casey's world had shattered, it had crumbled around him. Casey's world was easily shattered, his fragile hold on it was lost so quickly now. He didn't just crack, he broke into a thousand pieces.

"Sam…" he breathed, his head was throbbing, his heart was pounding, the skin around his eyes was blotchy from tears he didn't realise he'd shed, his left arm stung and his hair was dripping wet.

"Let's all go sit over here," Severide was gentle but coercive, he wanted to get a better look at Casey's arm now that he wasn't so agitated and he wanted to get him out from underneath the snow. Casey's body didn't cope well with anything it didn't perceive as normal, he didn't cope with heat, didn't cope with the cold, he can't always tell if he's too hot or too cold - his temperature regulation was out of whack - he'd joked once after he'd fainted during summer. Heat stroke. Having not drunk enough because his brain hadn't reminded him how thirsty his body was, and he didn't have the forethought to think what the heat was doing to him, Severide was at least thankful Shay had reminded him to use sun block.

"Wha…" his speech was still failing him. When he wanted it the most, when he wanted to be understood, it failed him. His language skills would always be unpredictable, when he was tired, in pain, he can't articulate, he utters indecipherable words that he doesn't mean to let slip, most the time he doesn't even hear them, doesn't comprehend when there are missed words or no words at all.

"Shh Case, it's ok," Severide spoke slowly, softly, soothingly.

Sam was practically hugging Casey's legs now they were sat on the picnic table, sheltered by the large heavy cotton umbrella. When Casey went to scratch anxiously at his arm again Sam placed his head on his lap capturing his attention, drawing it away from his unconscious self-destruction.

Severide moved to touch his Casey's bleeding arm but he quickly tucked it close to his body and his eyes darted towards him. "Sorry Matt," he hadn't meant to shock or startle him, "Are you ready to go inside? We need to get out of this cold."

Casey shook his head and turned his attention back to Sam, patting him lightly with his right hand, his fingertips were bloodied and smearing red on Sam's wet coat.

At Casey's refusal to move he began, "Matt you're shaking, you've not got a coat on and you…"

"I don't… I don't…"

"You don't want to go back inside?" he questioned, he wanted to be clear, to understand what Casey wanted.

"I don't…"

"You don't understand what happened?" he didn't know if Casey was simply repeating himself, stuck on the same two words, or if he was still trying explain what he meant. He'd be lying if he said it didn't frustrate him at times but he felt guilty whenever he did because how must Casey feel being unable to communicate his thoughts and feelings?

"Why?" Casey kept trying, his efforts were persistent but the outcome was unyielding.

"Matt don't worry about it, don't worry about what happened, it doesn't matter," he insisted.

"No."

"We can talk about later, not now," – not now because _I_ don't understand and I'm not going to be able to help you understand what happened – "I don't know what to do to help… I'm sorry."

"I didn't mean to," his words were forced, he needed Severide to understand that he didn't mean to do it, he didn't know how it had had happened, he didn't know why it had happened only that he didn't mean it, that he was sorry, he didn't mean to cause a scene, he didn't mean to make the blonde woman yell, he couldn't even remember her name.

"I know you didn't Matt, it wasn't your fault," Severide reassured him.

"It was me… it was me…" he repeated.

"Kelly," it was Herrmann, he was stood a few feet away from them, he'd actually been stood silently for a few moments watching them before he spoke up, he felt like he'd been intruding on something very private, something he shouldn't be a witness to, "Can I do anything?"

Severide shook his head and brought his attention back to Casey who was now staring down at Sam, his mutterings had ceased, "Actually Herrmann could you get Casey's jacket please."

"You're not coming back in? She's gone."

"We're going home." Everyone had just seen Casey at his lowest, the action that set it off wasn't the worst part. It was Casey's reaction, his overreaction, his misunderstanding and panic after the incident. He had no control over his emotions, no brick wall to hide them behind, he was incredibly expressive before the accident but silent, he would never admit his feelings and only a select few seemed to notice how expressive just his eyes alone were. Now he couldn't help it, the whole world knew if he was annoyed, upset, angry... He hated it, he hated being so exposed, so easily read and now he'd just been laid out bare in front of men he used to command, men that had looked up to him.

Having refused to go to bed Casey was fast asleep on the sofa when there was a knock at the front door. Quietly Severide got up to answer it and Sam's eyes followed him from his position lying in front of the sofa, a towel drying his damp coat.

"I heard what happened," Shay stated when he opened the front door. She'd not been at Molly's, she'd been out with friends, out with her new partner to be specific.

"News travels fast," he stated.

"Herrmann thought you might need a hand," she explained, "It was bad then?"

"He's fine," he closed the front door, locking it out of habit, they never left it unlocked when Casey was in the house, ever since Casey had stormed out the house last year, the first time he'd not gone anywhere, he'd simply sat on the steps, the second time he'd gone missing for hours.

"Kelly it's me you're talking to," they walked into the lounge, "His arm?" she turned and looked at Severide with wide eyes, concern mixed with worry.

Severide looked down at the bandage he'd wrapped around Casey's foreman after cleaning the wound up, they didn't have a band-aid big enough for the mess he'd made of his arm, "I know…"

"What about a change with some of his meds?" she suggested, "It's worth bringing it up at his next appointment." Along with the pills for his epilepsy and migraines Casey had also been taking medication every day since the end of summer for anxiety. At times he's anxious about making too many mistakes or failing at tasks, it either angers him to the point of yelling and physically throwing items or it causes him withdraw into himself, ignoring everyone around him, at other times he doesn't care and ploughs on regardless. Being in crowds, being rushed, or adjusting to sudden changes all cause agitation, anxiousness that he can't cope with on his bad days, and struggles with on his good days. The sudden onset of anxiety, the panic attacks, were the worst but fortunately for all parties they didn't happen very often. Casey felt overwhelmed at times because of his reduced reasoning skills, because of his concentration difficulties. Struggling to remember, to express himself or following conversations all lead to frustration eventually. Repetition worked, schedules helped, until Casey hit the point where everything was too jumbled, too hard to understand and that's when he lost control, that's when he would lose control of the little grasp on life he had. As a professional James found it easy not to take Casey's temper outbursts personally but Severide still found it difficult even though he knew they were not aimed at him, knew that Casey didn't have the control he had before, Casey's psychologist encouraged him to talk about what led to his outbursts but his short term memory issues meant that half the time he was likely to have forgotten what the cause had even been so eventually Casey would smile self-deprecatingly and apologise for being such a mess, for being - so fucked up -

Casey cracked open his eyes, he was groggy from sleep and drained from the nights events, "Sev..?"

"Hey bud," Severide smiled, "How you doing?"

"Wha... time?" he slurred, he didn't even notice that Shay was in the lounge.

"About 11pm."

"I'm going to bed," it was past his scheduled bedtime, he liked to go to bed at 10:30pm even if he wasn't going to sleep, it was in his head, at 10:30pm he should be in bed.

"You need a hand?"

"I'm good," the blanket fell back as he shifted, Sam stood in anticipation and walked beside him when he stood up and went to his room.

"You looked surprised," Shay observed.

"I am," Severide stated.

"He's not as fragile as you think," she commented, "He's starting to cope better."

"Maybe," he didn't believe that at all, tonight was going to have repercussions, he was sure of it.

"It's stopped snowing Matt," James informed him the next day, "We should take Sam for a walk." They were sat at the dining room table.

"Can you take him please?" he asked, his focus remained on the iPad in front of him.

"Why don't you want to take him for a walk?"

He looked up from the iPad, "I don't."

"Tell me why Matt," James asked, he knew Casey was struggling to come up with an excuse, he knew he was trying to hide the real reason, "Matt?"

"What?"

"Why don't you want to take Sam for a walk?" James repeated.

He was looking out of the window, the ground was layered in a thick carpet of snow like it had been for weeks now, "I'm tired."

"That's not true, you've just slept for two hours." Severide had warned James this morning that Casey would probably be much more tired than usual, but he'd neglected to explain why, so James hadn't been surprised when Casey took himself to bed after he'd eaten some lunch.

"Please take him…" he frowned, "I never ask you for much... please..." It was true Casey rarely asked James for anything extra and when he did want help with things like washing clothes or making the bed he would join in if he could but some days the pain in his head was too much to do anything more than lie in bed because when he has a migraine the pain is usually compounded by confusion, and he was useless for at least twenty four hours after a grand mal seizure, his own words.

"Has something happened since I was last here?" James asked.

"James…" he wants him to stop.

"Did you go to your friend's birthday celebration?" and Casey looked at him with surprise, "You told me about it last time I was here."

"I went." - please don't ask me anything else -

"How was it?" James urged. At times Casey was stubborn to the point of petulance when he didn't want to do something, when he didn't want to be poked and prodded for answers.

"It was fine." - it was awful -

Indicating to the bandage on Casey's arm James asked, "Did you do that yesterday?"

"Do what?" he wasn't stalling, he genuinely doesn't understand that because James is looking his arm that is what he is asking him about, he focuses on James face not on where he is looking.

"There's a bandage on your arm," James had noticed it when Casey woke up and sat at the kitchen table spreading butter over his toast quite ineffectively but he wouldn't accept help as the bread tore. He assumed he'd unconsciously scratched at his arm so much that it had bled, caused enough of a wound to prompt the care and attention it had received, it had happened a few times before but never enough to warrant a bandage.

Casey looked down and saw the stark white bandage covering the evidence of his own self destructive behavior and promptly pulled his sleeve down, "I… I lost control."

"It's happened before," James said gently, "It's nothing to be ashamed of, it's not your fault that things become overwhelming, that…"

"In front of everybody. I panicked. It was so…" he frowned, struggling, "It was so… erm… it was so…" the word had been in his grasp but it vanished, "Fuck!"

"Matt," James warned calmingly.

"Sorry…" he muttered. He sat up a little straighter and resumed his task on the iPad, no longer interested in what James was saying, his cognitive thinking skills were impaired so his mind had drifted, as it often did, his doctors often compared him to a child with ADHD who lacked social control. The problem was that Casey knows he's not the same as before, he knows he was capable and now he is not. Sometimes he simply accepts his life for what it is, at others he longs for the past, idealises his life before the accident, pretends things were perfect when they were in fact far from it but it was better than this. Casey knew anything was better than this. Would death have been preferably? Would it have been better if he had died when the beam hit him? Would it have been better if he had died on the operating table? Would it have been better if he'd never woken up from the coma and his life support had been turned off? His body had fought through, he should have died but he did not and in his coherent moments he often wondered why because this was no life. He was not the man he used to be. There would be no return. No magical transformation.


	4. Hurts

"What did you do to your arm Matt?" the doctor asked. Casey was sat in his office with Sam beneath his chair and Severide by his side. He looked down at his bandaged forearm. He'd not left the house, save for this appointment, for a little over a week now.

"He had an absent seizure, poured boiling water on it, it's healing nicely," Severide provided succinctly.

Casey knows it's a lie, he knows he did it to himself, he remembers Severide washing his bloody fingernails after covering up the damage he had done to himself. It's a significant event in his mind and his brain stores it, he'd much prefer it if he could remember the order in which to shower and dress without being prompted by clear and short instructions written on brightly coloured laminated sheets. Repetition worked but every so often he had a momentary lapse and Severide thought it was best just to leave the instructions and labels around the house to save Casey from having to ask for help, to save him from feeling embarrassed, inadequate, to save him from feeling like a burden because he knew Casey, he knew how his head worked, damaged or not.

"How have you been feeling recently?" the doctor asked.

"I'm ok," he replied. He is ok. He's ok in that very moment. Most the time when asked by the doctor Casey tells him how he feels at that exact moment, he can't recall how his mood or how his pain has fluctuated since his last appointment. Severide and James take notes to keep track because any change could mean that something was wrong, that his migraines were becoming more frequent or worsening, or that his seizures were increasing. They had to keep an eye on anything that seemed unusual in case it warranted a change in medication because the side effects of all the pills Casey took on a daily basis were not pleasant.

Now they're at the point of the appointment where he loses interest, where there's a fast overload of information that he can't keep up with, where the doctor will talk to Severide and tell him his blood tests are good. The medication he's on can cause liver damage so there are regular tests to check for any early symptoms. Severide then tells him how his mood has been, how his pain levels have been, that nothing has changed since his last appointment. Casey used to try and concentrate on these discussions but after a year had gone by he resigned himself to looking out of the window, he could never see much, just the building that was opposite, he liked it when it rained, he couldn't recall particularly liking the rain before but the consistent pitter-patter always soothed him, calmed him, captivated him.

"Matt?" Severide touched his arm, effectively bringing him back into the room, "Do you have any questions?"

He looked from the window to Severide and then to the doctor, "No."

The doctor smiled, "I'll see you next month then Matt."

They left the doctor's office and walked side by side, Sam at Casey's heel, "Shall we go and get some lunch?" Severide smiled.

"You said we'd go straight home," it had been very important that Casey was going to go straight back home, he hadn't wanted to leave the house at all and refused to until Severide said they'd not be out for long, that they go to the hospital and then go straight back home. His memory works just fine when he's determined, when he's adamant that he gets what he wants. Severide thinks his short term memory is just improving, that his brain has found ways to adjust, but the doctors say there's been no measurable improvement; Casey's last neuro-psych test had shown no change.

"I was hoping you'd forget," he smirked.

"Tough luck," Casey stated.

Another two weeks were spent in his self-imposed prison, Casey had refused to leave the house before but it was getting ridiculous now and there was nothing Severide or James could say or do to persuade him to leave, he wouldn't even leave to walk Sam, that job was now left to Severide.

Severide had been walking in and out of the house fetching items and Casey looked on with confusion and eventually questioned him, "What are you doing?"

"Put your coat on and you can come and see," he smiled.

Casey stood up, "Come on Sam," and they followed Severide out the front door and slipping his winter coat on, "What are you doing?" he asked again when he surveyed the front of the house.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" Severide questioned from his position knelt down on the ground in front of a very old looking motorbike.

"Well you're certainly not cleaning it; it's filthy," he stated incredulously.

Severide smiled, "It won't start, I'm fixing it, will you help me?"

"I… I can't help anyone," he shook his head and nearly made to go back inside.

"Sure you can," Severide shrugged, "And technically you're not leaving the house."

Casey got to the bottom of the steps and sat down by Severide, Sam lay down beside them both.

"You know what all this stuff is," Severide pointed to his tool box.

He nodded.

"Well you can pass the stuff I need then can't you?"

"Ok," he nodded again.

After a while Severide spoke up, "See you can help people Case, the problem is that you don't trust yourself, I get it, and I understand why you don't want leave house."

"Thanks," he replied, eyes focused on the bike in front of him.

"So you wanna go on this when she's up and running?"

"I… I can't," he stated, "I'm not allowed to drive and…"

"On the back you idiot," Severide laughed.

"Like a girl?" he scoffed, "No way."

"You look like a girl with that hair," Severide teased, "Well… maybe if this fuzz wasn't here..." he made to touch Casey's chin.

Casey dodged Severide's hand, "Kelly…"

Severide laughed at his indignant expression and subtly went touched his hand, "You're freezing cold, go inside."

"Always ordering me about," he huffed.

"Yeah, well, you wouldn't do anything if I didn't," Severide mocked, although there was a lot more truth in the statement than either of them would have liked.

"Ha ha very funny," Casey stood up with Sam's help and went back inside the warm house.

Severide spent about another hour working on the bike before he showered and joined Casey on the sofa. Casey was sat reading, he'd been reading this book for nearly a month, he would read the same few chapters over and over again, every now and then he would read a little further. Severide would never tell him that he read each chapter at least four times, it seemed cruel, there was no need to point it out, Casey would see it as a failure but it wasn't a failure at all not when six months ago his concentration wondered too much to read for any long periods of time.

He opened his can of beer and stated, "Hopefully we can go for a spin tomorrow if I manage to get it started," he smiled.

Casey frowned, his attention had wondered from the pages of his book when Severide had sat down next to him, "Get what started?"

"The bike."

"You don't have a bike."

"Have since this morning," Severide explained.

"Oh… right."

It was time for a change of topic, "Good book?" Severide asked.

"Yeah, you can have it when I'm done with it," he offered.

"When's the last time you saw me with a book?" it was sarcastic but Casey took it literally and shrugged before his focus returned to the book on his lap.

Three days passed, three more days in his self-imposed prison, he couldn't get the image of the woman yelling at him out of his head, the image of everyone staring at him, the overwhelming feeling of confusion and panic he had felt at Molly's even though he couldn't remember the woman's name, he couldn't remember the conversations he'd had that night or even why he was at Molly's in the first place.

It had snowed for a while and the snow that was left was not the pretty white snow suitable for holiday cards and photos, it was the unsightly grey sludge that marred the streets. Casey had been staring out of the window most of the morning whilst Severide caught up on the hockey matches they had recorded. For the last half an hour Casey had been glancing from the window back to Severide who appeared engrossed in the game. Severide never believed that silence could be so irritating but the constant questioning look was now bugging him, he sighed and stated, "Spit it out Case."

"I want to go outside," he stated, "Take Sam for a walk."

Severide just smiled, thankful that Casey had decided he no longer had to keep himself imprisoned in the house.

A week later a trip to the planetarium was born out of an afternoon spent watching the Discovery Channel. Casey had been fascinated by a programme and had spent the whole hour immersed, a very unusual feat. Shay joined them, stating that it would be educational, Severide knew she wanted the distraction having recently broken up with her girlfriend that she'd been seeing for the last few months, another unusual feat given her commitment issues.

Casey tired after the cosmic wonder show so they forewent any of the exhibitions and ended up sat in the café having lunch. Severide watched as Casey scrunched his eyes close momentarily and rubbed his head, "Headache?"

"I'm ok," he stated as he passed part of his lunch to Sam.

"That's for you," Severide commented.

"I know," he continued to feed his lunch to Sam who happily accepted.

"Matt," Severide warned.

"I don't like it."

"You chose it."

"Will you two shut up?" Shay interrupted the pair of them before addressing Casey gently, "Matt would you like something else?"

"Not hungry," he replied.

Severide shot Shay an exasperated look. Casey's fussy eating had been a side effect of the beam falling and crushing his skull, he'd never been fussy before but now he preferred to eat the same thing day in and day out. Going out to eat broke that routine.

"You've progressed to lying now?" Severide spat heatedly.

"Kelly…"

Severide stood up, "I need some air."

Casey's eyes followed him as he left the table. He'd done something wrong again.

"Matt," Shay drew his attention, "It's not you. He's had a tough few shifts, you understand that?"

She was looking at him the way she looked at patients and she was speaking to him calmly, she knew him too well, seen too many examples of his new behaviour, knew that his emotions could explode any moment but to his credit Casey looked down at Sam, took a few breaths, just liked they'd done in his sessions at the hospital. He didn't want to let his emotions get the better of him, he didn't want everyone to know how he was feeling, he didn't want to lose control.

"I understand," he stated.

Severide was stood outside, he could see the table where Shay and Casey were still sat, he was pleasantly surprised when he saw Casey happily accept the fries Shay offered him, happy to see that he had been unfazed at his quick exit. Shay had been correct in saying that he'd had a tough couple shifts recently but it wasn't the main reason for his mood. It was frustrating see Casey so dependent, so hampered down by his limitations and at times Severide just wanted to go out and forget about it all, he wanted his carefree life back. It wasn't that he couldn't go out and have a carefree night it was that he felt guilty when he did, he felt guilty that Casey could never have what he had, his independence, his freedom.

"Did you like it?" Casey questioned when Severide re-joined them, a question that hadn't been prompted by Shay or rehearsed in his head.

"Huh?"

"The show?" he explained.

"Yeah I did actually," Severide smiled, "I honestly thought it was going to be boring."

"Not the same as going to a game," an activity they used to enjoy together.

"No not the same but I can go to game with anyone, even Shay if I bribe her, I like spending time with you," his smiled faded, "We can't go back in time, we can't change what happened, I'm just glad you're still here."

That night a sharp bark woke Severide up abruptly, it took him a moment to gather his senses. "Sam?" he muttered, "Casey!" he called out and shot up out of bed and out of his room without even grabbing a shirt.

Severide expected to find Casey in the throes of a grand mal seizure. He hadn't expected him to be tangled up in his bed covers clutching his head in agony. Just as quickly as he'd entered Casey's bedroom he left. In the kitchen he flung open the large box of medical supplies and grabbed the strongest painkillers they possessed before rushing back to the bedroom with a glass of water in hand, spilling a little of its contents on his way.

Casey's eyes were streaming. His breaths were coming short and fast. He'd brought his knees up to his chest. Severide's heart broke when he heard him whimper. It was so unlike Casey it was scary but it was something he had heard and seen this new Casey, this damaged, open and out of control Casey, do before.

"Matt," he spoke softly, "Matty I need you to sit up a little and I promise this will stop," but Casey's eyes were scrunched shut; he was too far away from this world. Severide untangled the bed covers then helped Casey's debilitated form up, he let out a sigh of relief when he managed to coax Casey to swallow the two pills and drink a few sips of water.

"Hurts…" Casey groaned as Severide let him lay back down on the bed.

"I know, I know Matt," he soothed, he pulled the covers back over him though he doubted it would make Casey feel any better, "I promise it will stop," but Casey lived in the moment. He lives moment to moment and right now he's in agony, the pain in his head feels like it's crushing him and he can't see past that, he can't picture life without the pain in his head. Severide knows the next half an hour would feel like three hours if it were himself waiting for the painkillers to kick in but to Casey it's all he knows, he can't fathom the fact that this pain is temporary. Right now all he wants is the end.

Severide was on top of the bed with him now, rubbing comforting circles on his back, whispering soothing words, promising him that the pain would go away but he's in agony and there's still tears streaming from his eyes.

It feels like a lifetime to Casey but eventually Severide felt him relax. "See I promised the pain would start to go away," he smiled, "I'll be back in a minute," but just as he moved there was weak grip on his arm halting his actions, "Case as comfortable as I am with my body I'm getting cold and need to put some clothes on. I'm not getting under your bed covers naked to keep warm. I'll be back in a minute I promise." Casey let his hand fall back down to the bed. Sam jumped back on the bed as Severide lift the room.

"What's the time?" Casey asked blearily when Severide arrived back by his side.

"It's nearly 6am," he replied, impressed with how quickly Casey had become alert and articulate although he was already struggling to keep his eyes open, "Go to sleep."

Casey mumbled unintelligibly.

"Go to sleep. I'm going to try and move your morning appointment, we'll still go swimming in the afternoon but you need to sleep now."


	5. Outbursts

"Hey," Severide greeted Casey as he walked into the lounge, "How are you feeling?"

"Just tired," he replied.

"No headache?" Severide questioned even though Casey certainly looked at lot better than he did in the early hours of the morning.

"All gone," he said as he sat down at the small kitchen table, a glass of water was already waiting for him by his pillbox.

"I managed to change your appointment, it's this afternoon now, 3pm," Severide informed him.

"Today?"

"Yeah," Severide nodded, "He couldn't do tomorrow. I know you hate it but you have to go, at least it's not as often anymore."

"Can't we just stop them altogether?" he moaned.

"Casey we have this conversation before every appointment, you know I have no power to stop them," Severide replied, ever since Casey had walked out of his neuro-psych test he had been obligated to attend regular sessions with the psychologist and understandably he hated it and they would have this conversation before almost every one of his appointments.

"Does Christie?"

"What?" Severide was genuinely surprised, Casey rarely brought his sister up into conversation

"She has legal power over my medical care right?"

"She does," Severide confirmed, Christie was still Casey's guardian now that he was not deemed capable of making choices that were in his best interest.

"I'll speak to her or can't you make decisions for me? Since apparently I'm not competent," he stated scathingly.

"It's not that simple, she's your family." She was the de facto choice and it had never been questioned since his mother was unreachable at the time of the accident she was his next of kin but this wasn't the first time Casey had brought this topic up.

"Yeah family… I see her so often, don't I? She knows me so well doesn't she? No one knows more about me than you."

"Case…"

"I get it, I…"

"Casey it's not as easy as me suddenly making decisions on your behalf… I'm not a responsible person, you know me better than anyone, I'd make the wrong choice," Severide explained, he didn't want Casey to rely on him, didn't want Casey to see him in charge, their relationship had changed so much since the accident but that's still what Severide saw it as, friendship, it wasn't obligation, it wasn't guardianship even though he knew Casey wouldn't be here in his own home if it weren't for him and Shay.

"And Christie wouldn't? No one knows more about me than you," he repeated clearly.

"Do you really want me to take over… take over as guardian?" Severide questioned.

"You know me," he replied. "And nothing would change, you'd just make my decisions for me because I'm incompetent," he laughed as he thought about conversations he'd overheard, "Don't have the mental capacity to make my own decisions. What a load of crap."

Severide didn't feel the need to point out that the damage to Casey's cognitive function meant that he very rarely thought about the consequences of his actions, that he had the cognitive ability of a child. He also realised that was Casey had said was true; nothing would change. In fact he already made a lot of decisions, already organised all of Casey's appointments, he was usually the one sat in the doctor's office with him.

"I'll call your sister later," Severide stated, "But only if you stop complaining about seeing the shrink later."

"I'll try," he replied honestly and Severide knew he would genuinely try but it wasn't his fault if his resentment and frustration got the better of him, Severide would never blame him, he would always blame the beam that sent shards of skull into Casey's brain.

"Are you going to sit in silence today?" the psychologist asked, "I asked you how you've been feeling since I last saw."

"Fine. I think that's my answer every fortnight," Casey replied. The truth is, and the doctor knows this, is that Casey finds it almost impossible to recall how he's been feeling but the man is trying to get him to think back, to look at the past two weeks, and not just think about his thoughts and feelings in the present moment.

"You still don't understand the point of these sessions," the psychologist said softly.

"If the point is to make me feel like shit then I'm fairly certain I understand," Casey scowled.

"Matt," he spoke gently, condescendingly even, "I'm here to help you with your thoughts and feelings, what happened to you was traumatic."

"Traumatic? I don't remember the accident," Casey doesn't remember the nightmares about the accident either, he remains blissfully ignorant of the pain he felt, the fear he felt, during the Quincy House fire.

"I'm not talking about just the accident, I'm talking about all the change, how you've had to adjust to life with a head injury," the doctor explained.

"I didn't have to see a shrink before, now I do," Casey sees things simplistically; he finds it difficult, impossible most of the time, to look at the bigger picture.

"How's living with your old colleague?"

Casey frowned, "Severide? He's my friend."

"You used to work together," he said.

"We were friends before we worked together," Casey stated.

"How's living with him going?" he questioned again.

"It's fine," Casey replied, almost questioningly in tone, "I don't understand."

"What don't you understand Matt?" he asked softly.

Casey was frowning, "Why are we talking about him?"

"You live together," he stated, "Before the accident you lived on your own."

Slowly Casey replied, "You and all the other doctors are the ones that don't want me to live on my own, say that I can't live on my own, now we're talking about Severide before we lived together?"

"How does it feel living with him?" he repeated his original questioned, "He helps you a lot?"

"He has to, James isn't always home," Casey replied, "Severide always says he doesn't mind, he wouldn't be there if he didn't want to be."

"He's a very good friend," he commented.

"He is," Casey said a little hesitantly, still wondered what the psychologist was trying gauge. "I'm not a burden, he wouldn't be there if he didn't want to be, he wouldn't help if he didn't want to, I'd do the same for him, I'm not forcing him, he's doing it because he wants to," he reeled off everything that Severide told him whenever he expressed any guilt about the situation.

"Except for Severide and James who else do you socialise with? Who else do you talk to?"

"Shay comes over, we have a movie night once a week and she comes to that, she sometimes comes over and goes out with Severide," Casey explained.

"She's Severides friend?" he questioned, her name had been brought up in conversation before.

"And mine."

"Do you still go back to the firehouse quite a bit?" he asked, "See the people you used to work with?"

"No," Casey replied honestly, he would have lied about it if he thought about the consequences of the answer, if he thought about the consequences of his actions. But these days he never did, he couldn't.

"You've isolated yourself."

"No," Casey shook his head.

"You interact with three people," he explained.

"What's wrong with that?"

"There are some great group sessions we hold here at hospital, you could make some friends, meet people dealing with the same situation as you," he suggested.

Casey doesn't remember how James had gone along with him to one of these sessions about a year ago but there's a feeling, a sort of déjà vu at the thought of a group meeting, and something told him that it wasn't something he wanted so he just shook his head adamantly.

"You need to keep interacting socially, keep working on those skills," he explained.

"I'm fine with Severide," Casey stated.

"But what if he wasn't there?"

"I'd be with James," Casey replied, "I don't go out on my own."

"What if you needed to? What if something happened that meant neither James or Severide were with you."

"There's a schedule, we stick to the schedule." What if's and maybe's don't correlate, they mean nothing to him, his world is black and white, there is no grey, no in between or middle ground.

The psychologist could see they were getting nowhere but he still tried, "Sometimes things don't go as planned. You get angry and upset when you can't stick to your schedule, when you don't have any advanced notice about change but sometimes things are out of control."

"I'm sorry," Casey says it without understanding what he's apologising for, it just feels like the right thing to say because the mans tone of voice makes it sound like he's being reprimanded. He's being told that he gets angry and upset and he knows that it's bad, he knows that it's bad to let others know how he really feels and hates that he has no control over his emotions anymore.

"I don't want an apology but if you understand what makes you angry, what upsets you, you can start to try and control those emotions, start using the breathing exercises we've worked on when you know what triggers your outbursts," he explained.

"Outbursts," Casey repeated, the word has such negative connotations.

"When you lose control of your emotions, when you can't hold them back," he reiterated.

"I'm sorry that happens," Casey stated because he can't remember most of his outbursts or panic attacks.

"We'll talk about the triggers and… Matt?" he questioned, Casey was staring unseeingly into the distance, "Matt?" he repeated and when he got no response for a few moments he noted it down as an absent seizure rather than a simple loss of concentration.

"What?" Casey questioned and the psychologist repeated his question.

A week passed by, life went on as normal, James continued to care for Casey and be there as a friend for him, Sam continued to prove his usefulness and Severide did call Christie just as he said he would, she hadn't been fond of the idea but like Casey had pointed out once she realised that nothing would really change she accepted and all that was left to do was sign some paperwork at the hospital which they would do when they were next there.

"Case?" Severide questioned cautiously, he'd been in the bathroom for quite some time now. When there was no response he entered to find Casey stood over the sink, Sam at his feet.

"Just wanted to do it myself," he turned to face Severide, he was holding the razor in his right hand and gripping the sink with his left.

"I'm sorry…" what else could he say? There was his friend in front of him struggling to shave his own face without cutting himself and there was nothing that would change that, his hand eye coordination was never going to improve. "Can I help?" - please let me - he wanted to add.

Casey turned back from the mirror with tear filled eyes, shaking his head, "I don't want help… I don't want all this…."

"It's just shaving Matt, it's ok, I don't mind helping, you know that," Severide tried to reassure him.

"No it's not, it's everything, it's…"

"Matt…" Severide tried.

"I don't want help!"

"I know you don't but I am happy to give it, you know that," Severide replied calmly.

"I don't want it… I don't want to need it," there were tears streaming down his face now, "Damnit! Why am I crying?!"

"Matt it's all right, you're upset, you're allowed…"

"I know I'm upset!" he yelled, "Why does _everyone_ else have to know I am?!"

Severide was lost for words, he was always lost for words in these situations, what could he possibly say to make everything better?

"Damnit!" Casey's sadness was quickly turning into anger, he slammed his fists down on the sink.

"Casey stop," he grabbed his arms before he could hit the something else. "Listen to me," but Casey was averting his eyes, trying to turn away, "Matt listen to me."

"I'm sorry."

Severide shook his head, "I'm not after an apology, I just want you to listen to me ok?" he continued when he knew he had Casey's attention, "It's not a failure to need help, you've always been so independent, you've always done everything yourself, I know and I know you feel like a burden now but you're not and even if you had needed help before the accident no one would have seen you as a burden, no one would have seen you as weak."

"I'm weak now," he stated.

"No you're wrong," Severide spoke firmly, "You are the strongest person I have ever known and I will always be here for you. Always. So what if you need help shaving…"

"And dressing and…"

"I don't care how long that list is Matt, there is nothing wrong about needing help."

"I need so much help… I couldn't look after myself," he said softly, "That's what they say isn't it? I can't make my own decisions… I'd forget to eat or something or do something inappropriate in public or…"

"Casey stop," Severide stated, he was working himself up, "What can I do?"

He looked into the mirror, unseeing, all emotion seemed to vanish from his face, "Nothing," he almost whispered, "No one can do anything… I can't do anything, I'll never do anything."

"Well that's a very generalised statement. You can still do lots of things."

He frowned, shaking his head, "Nothing I ever wanted, I really am use…"

"Don't even say it, you're not useless, you can…"

"Make toast? Read off lists? … What's the point?" he questioned.

"I… I'm sorry that this happened to you, no, I'm sorry that I don't seem to be able to fix this, to help you, to make this better but there is nothing I can do is there? I wish everything could be perfect but it's not so we just have to deal with that, and we are dealing with that, you are dealing with that, I think you're coping a lot better than I ever would; you've always coped with anything better than anyone."

"I wouldn't be here without you… you didn't have to do this, you don't have to do this but you are. My own sister wouldn't have done this," at Severide's puzzled expression he stated, "I was awake. I remember. I remember a lot of things I wish I didn't… would have been better if I'd woken up and couldn't remember anything… or just not woken up… or…"

"Or if you had died instantly?" Severide questioned incredulously.

He nodded.

"You've been thinking about this a lot recently?"

"Since I woke up," he admitted, "Since I woke up and realised that I had no control. I thought I was ok with it. It happened. Bad things happen. But now I'm stuck… I'm not doing any better than…" he struggled to put a timeframe to his words, frustrated he gave up and tried to reword his phrasing as he often did when he hit a wall inside his head, "… I've not improved."

"You're improving all the time," Severide countered.

"The tests…"

"The tests mean nothing, I live with you, I know."

Casey turned away scrunched his eyes shut for a moment.

"Headache?" after a nod he replied, "I'll get you some painkillers before it turns into anything more and then you'll let me help finish up?" another nod, "Good," Severide squeezed his shoulder and left him in front of the sink.


	6. Suffered Enough

"Casey get out here!" Severide called into the house.

Disgruntled at being interrupted Casey frowned down at the iPad where the words 'Game Over' blared loudly at him, if it weren't for Severide calling his name again he would have hit replay.

"What?" he questioned as he walked carefully down the front steps.

Severide was stood next to the bike he'd been repairing, "You ready?" he smiled broadly.

"For what?" Casey scowled, still annoyed at the interruption but his annoyance was short lived when Severide kick started the bike and the engine rolled into action, "You fixed it."

"Don't look so surprised," he scoffed.

"Sorry," Casey muttered, Severide just shook his head, Casey took the majority of things he said literally and he took everything that everyone else said literally, he'd come to pick up on Severide's tone of voice but more often than not he still didn't have the ability to comprehend sarcasm. His own humour was still intact, that part of him was still there, Casey had always known exactly when to draw the line, it had been part of his coping mechanism, he didn't hide behind humour but he did distract himself with it, and others, he'd always had a laugh with his team, was both friend and leader, he knew how to separate the two of them. He still laughed with others but now when he did he would start to look confused as to what he was actually laughing about in the first place, whether he'd just laughed because everyone else was or because he'd forgotten what was so funny in the first place.

"So you want a ride?"

"You fixed it?" emphasis on the 'you.'

"It's not gonna fall part," Severide stated.

"I should hope not, it's taken you long enough to get it going," he smiled teasingly.

"Yeah? How long?" the look on Casey's face told Severide straight away that he shouldn't have asked, "Sorry Case."

Casey was still stood in thought, focused on Severide's question and after a few moments he replied, "A month maybe?" it was a random guess.

"Yeah maybe," Severide smiled, "I don't know myself."

"You don't?"

"Like you said it's probably been about a month," Severide replied, "So you wanna ride?"

"Now?" he asked apprehensively.

Severide nodded, "Go and make sure Sam has fresh water, grab your coat and we'll go."

"Now?" he frowned, "It's not on…"

"Casey shut up and go and do what I said," Severide smiled.

"Erm…"

"Make sure Sam has fresh water," Severide repeated without any annoyance, "Grab your coat."

Severide locked up the house and passed Casey the helmet, "Don't you need one?"

"My head's harder than yours and worth a lot less."

Casey was given no chance to think about the comment because before he realised it he was on the bike of the bike and Severide was speaking once more, "Tell me if you want to stop and don't let go of me." In hindsight it was probably not the wisest idea but Severide had outweighed the risks.

"Where are we going?" he asked.

"Don't know," Severide supplied.

"You don't know?"

"Relax Case," Severide smiled and revved the engine.

The adrenaline rush was exhilarating. Casey got nothing like it nowadays. He never got that rush of turning up at a scene, running into a burning building, saving lives. There had always been a fear about it too, a fear of something happening to one of his crew, a fear of not quite making it in time to save someone, of having to choose between two victims but that adrenaline rush was always there and still lingered as he showered off the soot and grime afterwards.

That evening they were sat together at the dining room table, Casey stabbed at his pasta with his fork but he didn't grow frustrated when he missed, he just ploughed on until most of it was eaten.

"See it's good to have something different although I'm not sure the kitchen will appreciate us making our own sauce too often… I think there's even some on the ceiling," Severide joked. When Casey had the time he used to love cooking for people although he still went through phases of eating leftover pizza and takeout now they stuck to much simpler things that he could assist with, Severide was just glad when he managed to get Casey to eat a variety of foods through the week. Casey hadn't heard him he was still looking down at his plate, "You tired?"

"Huh?" he looked up and Severide repeated his question, "Yeah I guess but it's early."

"Busy day."

"Yeah," he nodded.

"So the guys have been asking when you're next coming to the house?" Severide questioned after taking a sip of his beer.

"I'm not," Casey replied, "Ever."

"Ever? That's a bit extreme," he commented.

"They looked at me differently before and now… now they've seen me at my worst," Casey explained.

"They don't hold it against you," he replied.

"I don't care," there was usually little Severide could do to change his mind.

"So you're just gonna isolate yourself from your friends?"

"Friends? I was their leader and now I can't tie my own shoe laces, now I'm classed at mentally incapacitated," he's bitter, he has been for weeks now, the bike ride had lifted his spirits earlier but as soon as he was back to reality he had sunk, and sunk hard. At times he was acutely aware of his limitations now, he knew what he could and couldn't do, and there was an awful lot in the 'couldn't' category. He wished he wasn't so aware, wished he was much more accepting like he had been over six months ago.

"Matt…"

"Sorry, I am tired, don't mean to get frustrated."

"I know, it's ok," Severide reassured him.

"It's not ok."

"They're just tests Casey, don't let what any one of those doctors get to you," Severide implored.

"Because I wouldn't have done before?"

"No it would have got to you before, you've not changed Casey, your…"

"My brain's just a bit mushy," he smiled repeating words Severide told him time and time again

"I happen to like your mushy brain, makes it much easier to read you than before," Severide grinned.

"I'll come, if everyone's asking then I'll come," he didn't want to disappoint anyone.

And so a week later James dropped him off at the firehouse.

"Hey Matt," Dawson smiled when Casey walked up to the back of the ambulance, Sam by his side, "Are you all right?"

"Shay?"

"She's just getting some supplies, what did you want?" she asked.

In truth he hadn't wanted anything, he was just comfortable around her and Severide was out on a call, Squad 3 had been gone for ten minutes, Casey kept checking his watch but with no time of return he felt lost.

When Casey didn't reply Dawson continued, "You can help me if you want? I'll pass you some things and you can put them away? Everything's labelled."

"Ok," he nodded.

She watched as he concentrated, his movements weren't quick and fluid; they were planned and determined, focussed. After a while Dawson felt uncomfortable in the silence, she wasn't used to this Casey, didn't know how to act around him, she saw him on the surface as she always had and didn't see much of the man she had known. "Do you remember the accident?" she could still picture him in the back of the ambulance, his blood all over the of the white of the gurney, seizing beneath Severide's grip.

"No," he replied simply, his gaze lying on the gurney as if he were remembering, but he'd spoken the truth, he couldn't even remember the days leading up to the accident, Severide often joked that Casey had lost a bet and owed him a hundred bucks, but Casey would smile and tell him that he was getting free rent now so that ought to cover it. "You were there?" an attempt to keep the conversation going, Severide would be proud even if he didn't like the subject matter.

"Yeah," she nodded, "It was scary."

"I should have died," he stated.

"What?" she sounded surprised, perhaps a little upset at his statement.

"That's what everyone says," he shrugged and she relaxed once more, "Good thing that you were there."

"We just got you to the hospital Casey, you did the hard work," she replied.

He frowned because he couldn't remember trying to do anything.

"You doing my work for me Matt?" Shay appeared at the ambulance doors.

"Sev's not here," he stated.

"No he's not, he'll be back soon though," she smiled, pleased he wasn't asking her where he was because he had nothing to remind him that he was out, if Severide left Casey at home he'd leave a note to remind him that he was out running, out on an errand but there was no note now. "Are you warm enough?" he was only wearing a hoody over his top and the apparatus doors were fully open.

He nodded.

"Come here," she had to make sure.

Shay made to touch him but he withdraw his arm, "Don't." He didn't want to be checked up on in front of Dawson, he didn't want her to see how he was barely capable of looking after himself, of knowing whether he was too cold or too warm but little did he know that his rather petulant reaction and expression gave more away than simply accepting anyone's help ever would.

"Matt…" she warned.

"I'm fine, I'm not cold," he insisted.

"Ok," she accepted with a sigh that was missed by Casey, "Go inside and see if Sam wants something to drink." She knew Herrmann and the others were sat in the common room and Herrmann was great with Casey, he didn't make him feel like he was being treated differently.

"Do you have to speak him like that?" Dawson asked as he left with Sam.

"He needs clear instructions, too much just overwhelms him," Shay replied.

"No I mean…"

"I know what you mean but it is too cold out here, he's not wearing a jacket," and at the look on Dawson's face she added, "You barely know him anymore."

"Kelly always insists he's the same," Dawson commented.

"He is," she nodded, "And he isn't."

Severide found Casey in the common room when he returned back to the house, he made sure he ate and drank before he let him join in with the card game the rest of his team were playing. If he got caught up in a card game before he ate Severide would have little chance of persuading him, he got obsessive at times, always had done.

Severide put down his newspaper. "Case?" he tapped his arm to gain his attention, Casey had been flagging for the las twenty minutes, "You're tired, go to my office and lie down for a bit and I'll…"

"No I want to keep…" he was torn between keeping his attention on the card game in front of him and Severide's words.

"This will still be here when you wake up," Severide assured, "You all right on your own?"

"Course I am," he stated as he stood from the table.

Severide watched as Sam walked side by side with him through the swinging doors before bringing his attention back to his newspaper. It wasn't long before the alarms rang but only Ambulance 61 was needed so Severide relaxed once more.

"Severide!" Herrmann burst through the doors, "Come quick; It's Casey!"

Sam had done his job, Casey had seized a few moments after he'd woken up, Sam had opened the door and got the attention of the first person he came across. Herrmann had then followed Sam quickly and discovered Casey seizing on the floor of Severide's quarters, bright red blood around his mouth, the bed covers in a tangled mess beside him.

Casey was still seizing when Severide arrived but by the time he had knelt down by him the convulsions had stopped, the blood on his mouth alarmed him though. "Case?" he held his head gently, "You're all right Case," he said reassuringly, he knew how disoriented Casey would be feeling right now, quickly Severide opened up Casey's slack jaw to see the source of the bleeding, he'd bitten his tongue. "You're all right," he repeated before he ran his hands, checking for any injuries with practiced ease, "You're ok."

Herrmann watched the entire scene take place whilst warding the others away, Casey didn't need prying eyes, "Can I do anything?"

"A glass of water and an empty bowl," Severide replied and when Herrmann arrived back Severide was helping Casey sit up on the floor, his back against the bedframe.

Casey's eyes were unfocused but he allowed Severide to help him drink and rinse his bloodied mouth.

Severide smiled, "No permanent damage Case."

"Notthis…" Casey slurred unintelligibly, completely unaware the exchange was being watched worriedly by Herrmann.

"Shh it's all right Matt," Severide soothed, "Let's get you back on the bed and then we'll get you home ok?"

Casey muttered in response before he was helped back onto the bed.

After Severide had cleaned up and given James a call Herrmann approached him. "That happens often?" he asked because Severide hadn't appeared at all alarmed when he discovered Casey in the middle of a seizure.

"No," Severide shook his head.

"Shouldn't he go to the hospital then?" he questioned.

"He has epilepsy."

"From the injury?" he shook his head, "Hasn't he suffered enough for that?"

Severide frowned, he hardly saw Casey as suffering but perhaps Herrmann had a point, but he didn't acknowledge it and instead stated, "Don't tell the others, he doesn't like anyone to know," – to know how damaged he really is – he almost said.

Casey was barely aware when James arrived, he didn't understand what all the fuss was about when Shay arrived back at the house and examined him before Severide let him lean heavily on him as they walked to the car. James listened and replied the best he could to Casey's jumbled sentences, he'd kept talking about going back to the firehouse, getting his days muddled up, forgetting he'd been at the firehouse that day before he finally drifted off to sleep in his own bed.


	7. For Casey

Casey's grand mal seizures were brutal. They were not like the kind generally portrayed on TV and in movies. They weren't pretty. The convulsions wrecked at his body, pulling muscles, even tearing them. Bladder and bowel control was relinquished. Complete loss of control. He didn't escape without a bruise on his fair Irish skin. He'd broken his arm when he'd hit the coffee table once before. Cracked a rib when he'd hit the side of the bathtub once before. He'd bitten his tongue a few times before but this time it felt like it had bled endlessly before James had arrived and taken Casey home from the firehouse.

His seizures left him a state of exhaustion and confusion for hours, the aches and pains lasted for days so Severide was surprised to discover him sat at the dining room table with his iPad and a large glass of water when he arrived home after his shift. Then again a lot of the time things that bothered Casey one day didn't bother him the next. Sometimes he was very accepting, other times he was not.

"How was shift?" Casey looked up from the iPad and smiled before Severide had even greeted him as if that beam had never come crashing down. Only he did look exhausted and his voice was slurred. But he seemed completely unfazed yesterday afternoons events, perhaps he didn't remember, and for once Severide would have been happy if that was the case.

"Quiet," he replied but Casey had already gone back to the game he was playing. Severide smiled at the normal reaction; Casey had gotten bored waiting for an answer, became distracted, forgotten he'd even asked anything. It was normal. It was the 'new' Casey.

James walked over to him, they both looked over to Casey sat at the dining room table. "He's been up since 5am." - he'll crash soon - is really what James was explaining, "Slept solidly since I got him back."

Severide nodded, "Thanks James."

"It is my job," the man smiled.

"I know but really thank you, we'd struggle without you, I'd struggle without you," Severide stated, "I was hesitant, worried even, about… about caring… I hate that word"

"That is what you're doing though," James replied simply, "And you are doing a great job, really Kelly, he's lucky to have you."

"Nah," he shook his head, a smile spread across his lips, "I'm lucky to have him."

It didn't take long for Casey to burnout after James left. He had refused breakfast. Severide understood that his tongue hurt but he couldn't even persuade him to drink a carton of Ensure. It all went downhill after that. When Casey was tired he got his words jumbled. He couldn't express himself, couldn't tell anyone what was wrong, what he wanted, and he wasn't just tired, he was exhausted and his whole body was aching after the intensity of his convulsions. And when he knew that wasn't being understood, when he realised he couldn't express himself he grew frustrated and angry. He was inconsolable.

He fell asleep on the sofa after working himself up, Sam curled up by his feet as Severide went on to tidy the house after Casey's destruction. He really should buy plastic cups, he thought as he picked up the pieces of Casey's glass that had shattered when he'd shoved it away from himself. Severide couldn't help but think of the shards of skull that had pierced his brain as he picked up the pieces. The glass had done significantly less damage.

"Ah," he bit back a cry when the glass sliced his thumb. He wasn't paying attention. His mind was wandering. He was looking over to Casey lying on the sofa. He wanted a break from all of this, James and everyone insisted he was doing a good job, a good deed for taking on Casey as his responsibility, he would never see it like that though, he couldn't. Casey was his best friend. But he did need a break, he wanted a break from it all but Casey would never get a break. This was it for him, a life filled with pills, frustration and little control.

They went swimming late in the afternoon. Casey had forgotten about his earlier antics and had happily eaten a turkey sandwich before they left, it wasn't much but it was something, Casey didn't do variety, or quantity for that matter, too easily distracted, unable to listen and understand his body's needs. After all this time Severide had finally conceded to the doctors views; Casey would never have his independence again no matter how many exercises they did to stimulate his damaged brain.

The pool was quiet, only a couple of other people there for the session that took place twice a week, a morning slot and an afternoon slot. They went regularly. It was good exercise for Casey, he could move much more easily in the water than he could on the ground and he preferred it to the physio exercises that James helped him with because he didn't choose to do them, he had to do them in order to help his balance and coordination and even though his fine motor skills were almost none existent the muscles needed stretching so it was all included in his almost daily routine.

Casey was sat in just his board shorts at the edge of the pool. His legs were dangling into the warm water where Severide was swimming laps having accepted that Casey was content sat on the edge. It showed a lot about them, Severide steaming ahead with life and Casey sat by whilst everything happened around him.

Mike, the man who ran the sessions and had come to know him well, walked up to him and asked gently, "Not going in today?" Casey shook his head without looking at the man, "Fancy doing something a little different to usual?"

Casey curiosity was grabbed and he was now frowning at the man, silently urging him to explain.

Mike held up one of the heavy black rubber brick that were lying by the side of the pool, "Wanna fetch some of these from the bottom of the pool for me?"

The frown remained on his face, "They're not at the bottom of the pool."

Mike chucked two of the bricks into the shallow end, "Now they are."

The session exhausted Casey but he had the biggest smile on his face all the way to the diner where they met Shay for some food. It was a regular stop for them being so close to the pool.

"Hi guys," the waitress greeted them cheerfully, it was Mandy, she served them regularly. "Hi there Matt," she smiled making a conscious effort to engage him.

Casey looked up at the sound of his name but he didn't recognise the blonde woman in front of him today.

"Have you been swimming?" she asked, his hair was wet, it was obvious, Casey didn't know that though. Shay smiled at her, a lot of strangers would dismiss Casey for being rude but she had been unfazed by his behaviour when she first served them nearly a year ago.

He looked at Severide for reassurance, assistance, but he received neither, Severide knew he could hold his own and he did, "Yes."

"I bet you're starving after all that exercise," she smiled. He nodded. "Want your usual?" she asked.

A frown made its way across his face again, "What's that… my usual?"

"Fries and a milkshake," she smiled, "Would you like that?"

"Ok," he replied, still staring up at her. Severide grinned, he was certain he had something of a schoolboy crush on her and would do anything she said. He wasn't surprised though, she was beautiful.

As they waited for their order Casey happily recalled his success at the swimming pool after a little prompting from Shay. Severide sat smiling at his enthusiasm and the fact it had stuck in his mind and it floated away like a lot of new memories. He even let him leave half of his fries and go straight for the milkshake, although that was partly because he knew it would be nice on his sore tongue.

"Should go outside," Casey stated as Shay and Severide were finishing off their own food.

"Now?" Severide questioned.

"Swimming," he replied.

"Swimming outside?" Severide asked for clarification, Casey nodded. "You're nowhere near likely gonna get me in a pool outside in this weather Case."

"The sea?"

"Is freezing cold Case," he dismissed. "Finish your milkshake."

Shay came back home with them, Casey insisted she joined them but he fell asleep in the car on the way back. He wasn't very happy when Severide woke him and helped him into the house.

Severide quietly closed Casey's bedroom, leaving Sam inside when Shay spoke, "Maybe a trip to the beach would be good." She poured herself a coffee, "Want one?"

He nodded for the coffee and went on to explain, "He'd be exhausted before we even got there, it would be pointless." - he'd melt down -

"A weekend away?" she suggested.

"Maybe," he shrugged, he didn't think it was a good idea.

"You've got quite a bit of furlough worked up?"

"Few weeks."

"Go away for a long weekend then? Somewhere warm. Be nice to have a break..." she trailed off, she was sure that taking Casey on holiday would be exhausting.

"Yeah maybe," he dismissed, he had the exact same thoughts as her. Taking Casey away from his routine and schedule just wasn't something he wanted to consider, he'd like to think Casey would be fine, that it would go well, that he had improved, but he knew he'd find it difficult to cope. But he remembered how enthusiastic Casey had been earlier, how he'd remembered his afternoon, almost recalled it completely accurately. Maybe a holiday would be a good thing. The trip to his dad's cabin last year had been good. But that was his dad's cabin, secluded and quiet. If Casey wanted to swim outside and not freeze to death they'd be going somewhere much busier.

"Morning Matt," Severide walked into his room the next day, Sam lifted his head and when he saw who had entered promptly dropped his head back onto Casey's leg and closed his eyes only to be disturbed by Casey when he moved to sit up, "It's all right, you don't need to get up."

"Don't?" Casey was a man of little, or no words, as soon as he woke. Severide smiled, it was going to be a good day; Casey was alert.

"Nah, figured we could have a lazy morning so you can go back to sleep, I bet you're exhausted after yesterday?"

"I'm tired," he stated.

"Your body's tired?" he knew it would be after the last 48 hours.

"Mmm…"

"How's your tongue?"

"Huh?"

"It's fine then," Severide smiled, "I'm proud of you, you did well yesterday."

"Did well yesterday? What did I do?" that puzzled, bewildered expression fell across his face making him look so much younger than his years.

"You did good Case."

"'K..." and a few moments later, "Went swimming."

"We did."

Casey fell back to sleep whilst Severide grabbed the iPad off the bedside table and an hour later he was so enthralled in what he was looking at that he didn't notice Casey wake.

"You miss her," he half questioned, Casey was staring at one of the many photos he had up on the cabinet of him and Hallie.

"When I remember," Casey replied in a moment of clarity, "I think she'll call me or knock at the door. Then I realise she won't. But that's... that's my fucked up head isn't it?"

"No, no it's not."

"I miss..." he trailed off and fell silent.

"What do you miss?"

"Nothing," he's getting good at deciding what to say and what not to say when he's had plenty of rest.

"It's been quite some time since you visited Hallie's gravestone, we could go if you'd like?" Severide suggested.

He was silent in thought for a few moments, "She wouldn't recognise me now."

"What?"

"I'm not... I'm not me. No one would recognise me now," he explained.

"That's not true Casey... did you hear someone say that?" Severide questioned.

"I... I don't know."

"What do you think to this?" Severide decided it was time to change the topic and passed him the iPad.

"Florida?" he questioned after look at the screen for a few moments.

"For a holiday," Severide replied.

"Why?"

"Do you want to go on holiday?" Severide asked, "Go to the beach, swim in the sea?"

"Why?" he repeated.

"It would be nice to go somewhere different, somewhere warm, don't you think?" Severide replied.

"When?"

"In a couple of months maybe," Severide would need to get the time off, he'd been to speak to Casey's doctors, the question of traveling had never come up, could Casey even fly with his head injury? And if he could would he even cope with the flight? What if they needed a doctor whilst they were away? Would they be able to access Casey's records? All these questions and more had already been running around Severides had as he started looking at hotels. And on top of it all it cost would be another issue. James was expensive and insurance didn't cover all of the cost since Casey could be looked after elsewhere. Severide was reluctant to delve into Casey savings, his disability package from the CFD covered his daily expenses, covered James and any outings like the zoo and planetarium. His insurance covered his doctor's visits and his medications. But Severide would be happy to help out if he needed too.

A week later Casey surprised Severide by going to the firehouse without protest, he had expected the place to be on his self-imposed banned list of places to visit just like the grocery store had been for months a while back.

Casey walked out of his room dressed and ready for the day and was greeted by an incredulous Severide, "Really Case?"

"Really what?"

"Did you take that out of the clean washing pile? I'd not even put it away yet," Severide pointed at his chest.

He looked down at the red hoody he was wearing, "I like it."

"I can tell." Ever since Shay had brought it home and told Casey he looked good in red it had become his favourite hoody, especially if he knew he was going to be leaving the house.

Casey was sat at the table in the common room, Severide was sat opposite reading a newspaper whilst Casey was focused on his iPad, Cruz, Herrmann and Dawson were also saw around the table.

"What's that Casey?" Cruz looked down at the screen, "Florida? You wanna go?"

"We are going," he stated with certainty.

"Oh yeah," Cruz smiled, "When are you going? You'll get to soak up some sun whilst we're all here with this terrible weather."

He just replied simply, "We're going." He didn't do specifics.

"You and Severide?"

"And Sam," he replied. His attention had wondered from the screen now to the bottle by his side. He went to grab it but knocked it onto its side leaving Cruz to pick it up and unscrew the top without a word.

The fallen bottle brought Severides focus onto Casey and away from the article he was reading. He watched as he accepted the open bottle and took a few sips before passing back to Cruz. Severide coughed purposefully, attempting to give Casey a hint.

"You've got something in your throat?" Casey questioned.

Severide ignored the question and looked to Cruz, still trying to prompt Casey before he conceded and stated pointedly, "Thank you Cruz."

Casey just looked across from Severide to Cruz with a baffled expression before looking back down at his iPad.

Dawson looked up from her magazine after hearing the exchanged and glanced at the bottle by Casey's side, "Kelly you know that stuff is just full of sugar right? They advertise it as a sports drink but…"

"I know," he replied, "Have you seen how skinny his wrists are? He can drink whatever he wants."

A few weeks passed by and soon the whole house knew about Severide's plan to take Casey away, he'd requested two weeks of furlough in June and once that had been accepted his plans would turn into reality. Every now and then Casey forgot about Florida altogether but most of the time his enthusiasm for the trip was contagious.

Severide was sat in his quarters when Herrmann walked in without knocking, he placed a boot on his desk, "What's this?"

"For Casey," he replied, "Make this trip amazing. He deserves it."

"You found out about our trip last shift," Severide was staring at the overflowing dollar bills.

"Yup."

"How did you…"

"He's well liked and his accident was… well known," Herrmann supplied.

"Thanks Herrmann, this will mean a lot to him," it would mean a lot to him if he understand, in fact if he knew about it and understood he was sure Casey would refuse it even now.

"He's… he's doing all right isn't he?" Herrmann asked tentatively.

Severide broke eye contact, couldn't face Herrmann's kind eyes that urged the truth out of anyone, he nodded, "We just take things day by day." Because that's all they can do.


	8. Surpassing Expecations

Severide performs so many unconscious acts to help Casey. He's patient around him even if he shows little patience to anyone else. He'll be in the middle of a conversation, in the middle of sorting himself out but he'll make sure Casey's hand lands where it's intended. He can read him so well, always had been able to but before he tried not to help, tried not to overstep boundaries. He distracts Casey with ease when everything gets too much for him. He'll eat with his hands when he can so Casey doesn't feel obligated to tackle the food awkwardly with a knife and fork. He makes mental notes, physical notes, when he's worried something has changed, notes Casey's mood. He draws attention to himself in a group situation because he knows Casey is content to watch and listen, knows he doesn't want to be the focus, has never liked to be the focus.

It's all just part of his life now, he doesn't have to think about it, and the little unconscious acts ease Casey through the day. Casey has always hated to ask for help, he still does, that has not changed, so Severide tries his best to keep all his assistance in the background, but sometimes that's just not possible, when Casey melts down, when he seizes, when he simply forgets what he's doing, an unconscious act isn't possible. Severide insists he hasn't changed his lifestyle but he has.

He'd taken Casey on the bus with Sam hoping it was something he could allow him to do on his own in the future. But it wasn't easy. There was a stop by their house but their destination, a local day centre, was a five minute walk from the closest bus stop. Severide wasn't sure he would ever want Casey doing it on his own. Shay had argued that it was only a short work, a simple walk, what could go wrong? But Severide knew exactly what could go wrong in just five minutes even if Sam was with him. He was happy to let Casey walk alone around the block with Sam but he didn't think he'd ever be happy to let him have his independence in a rough part of the city.  
  
In the end it didn't matter.

Casey had never been a shy person, in his youth he had been unsure of himself, that had gone on into adulthood but the mask he wore hid it for the most part. The day centre was supposed to provide a positive experience for him, give him some more independence to make some more friends, although Casey argued that he had Severide, he didn't need anyone else. There would be more activities and trips for him to join in with and Sam was welcome, making the entire experience less anxious for him but it didn't work out. He'd withdrawn into himself, refused to even make eye contact.

He rang Severide from the bathroom and when he arrived shortly after to pick him up he wasn't impressed. He spoke briefly to one of the organisers before taking a seat next to Casey, he sighed, "You didn't even try Casey."

"I did."

"You said nothing whenever anyone spoke to you. Didn't try to participate, even when anyone was helping you. That's not trying Casey," Severide is blunt and to the point. He knows there's no point in brushing around the facts when he's with Casey. He just wouldn't understand.

"Wouldn't let me leave on my own," he comments, trying to explain that he hadn't wanted to bother him, hadn't wanted to make him come all the way back to pick him up before the end of the day.

Severide also knew there was little point in saying anymore, "Do you want to go to the aquariam?" he questioned, a small smile on his lips, trying to reverse Casey's disgruntled expression. He was sure Casey's psychologist would disagree with his decision to let Casey do something he'd prefer, sure that the man would tell him that Casey shouldn't be allowed to dictate his activities. Severide thought that was a load of crap.

"Home," Casey replied simply.

"Home it is then," Severide's smile faded, "I'm sorry Matt," and he wasn't just apologising for leaving him at the centre, he was apologising for everything. "Matty?" he questioned, trying to draw his attention, it worked.

Casey turned to him and smiled, "You came."

"Course I did. Let's go home… ah there's that smile!"

"What smile?"

Severide just grinned and said, "You should smile like that more often Casey." - because your whole face lights up and it's like nothing ever happened to you -

Severide closed and locked the front door later that day, he'd been out for a run, and was mildly puzzled at the sight that greeted him, "Are you on the floor for a reason?"

Casey simply shook his head and continued staring ahead. He paid no attention to Severide as he slid down the wall onto the floor beside him.

"What are you doing?" Severide rephrased the question.

Another shake of the head only this time he said, "Thinking."

"What are you thinking about?"

His head turned slowly to the right, he found Severide's eyes, held them for a moment and stated, "Nothing important."

"I don't believe that," Severide smiled.

"I'm tired."

Severide glanced down at his watch, it was getting late, "Did you shower whilst I was out?"

Casey frowned.

"You got changed," Severide stated, his eyes on Casey's pyjama pants, "You showered?"

"Must have done," he shrugged, "… sorry."

"Right, get into bed then. I'll get your meds."

The weeks passed by. Casey was leaning on the wall, Sam at his heel, as Squad 3 played basketball outside the firehouse but he wasn't looking at Severide and his crew. He was looking over at Truck 81 in longing as his replacement ran drills when the alarms rang out, _"_ _Ambulance 61, Squad 3…"_ Severide let the basketball roll away, gave a quick glance over to Casey and waved him goodbye, he wasn't sure if he'd notice but Boden was already walking over the him so he wasn't worried when he jumped into his rig and left the station.

In the distance the sound of the emergency vehicles could be heard, the sirens were fading away as Boden approached Casey who was still casually leaning against the wall, a stray lock of perfectly blond hair kept falling over one eye as the wind blew. The weather was warming up now, in the height of the sun jumpers could be taken off, Casey had always hated winter, he hated the cold, but he never thought about moving to warmer climates. Chicago was his home, even if it was full of bad memories it was full of plenty more good memories.

"You wanna game?" Boden picked up the basketball.

"Was never as good as Severide," he commented as he took the ball from Boden.

"No you were better in the boxing ring," Boden smiled.

Casey smiled, "Probably knock myself out now." He's always been self-deprecating but no one ever noticed so much before.

Boden watched as Casey ran his hands over the ball, taking in its rough and familiar texture; many a basketball game had been played out here since he'd been at 51.

Casey tripped over just a few minutes after he bounced the ball over to Boden who immediately dropped the ball and let it bounce away as he made his way over to Casey who was on his hands a knees, Sam already by his side.

"Are you all right?" he questioned hurriedly, he had only felt that panic at scenes, and once when he thought Terrance had been choking.

"I'm fine," Casey dismissed casually as he accepted Boden's hand to help him up.

"Let me see…"

"I'm fine. I always fall over now. Sev says I'll always have bruises on my knees… Don't look at me like that. I still don't regret it, what I did. I don't regret it."

Boden was still smiling sadly, pityingly towards him when he spoke, "Let's go inside, get something drink."

He followed Boden without protest but his mind remained on the ball that had bounced away. He watched as Boden spoke to Severide behind the glass when he'd arrived back at the station. He sat quietly when Severide gently turned over his hands and surveyed the damage, he knew he was speaking to him but he didn't care and happily allowed the world to drift around him. It wasn't long until James arrived and took him home, wasn't long until his day was over. He'd done nothing of importance. The whole day was a blur and he couldn't bring himself to care.

Talk of their trip to Florida lifted Casey's mood over the next few weeks. It had to be planned meticulously. Severide was determined to make the perfect vacation and their leaving date seemed to come around far too quickly for his liking although both James and Shay insisted that everything had been organised, Shay had even joked that she'd been surprised Severide hadn't planned it down to the minute, but the truth wasn't far from that.

The airport and flight was bound to overload Casey's senses. Severide allowed plenty of time for security; they had Sam with them, and a lot of medications and equipment that would need to be checked along with doctors notes. They had paid extra for the use of a club lounge which provided Casey some relief from the chaos of the airport. They were boarded onto the plane first, Sam was to sit beneath Casey and to remain there for the whole flight so the other passengers weren't disturbed, they did have extra leg room to make sure he could be as comfortable as possible. Severide gave Casey a mild sedative before the flight, he didn't tell him, although he wasn't sure he'd protest if he had.

"Seatbelt Casey," Severide stated once they were sat in their seats, the other passengers were streaming on board, it was hectic and noisy.

"Huh?" he'd honestly not heard anything Severide had been saying, too distracted by the atmosphere.

"You can unfasten it once we're in the air," he explained as he leant over to fasten the belt over Casey's lap. He noticed Casey tapping his right hand fervently on the armrest, "Are you worried?" but he received no response, "Matt you have flown before right? I swear you and Hallie went to…"

"I'm thirsty," Casey stated as he tore his eyes away from the view outside to window to Severide's concerned expression.

Severide quickly sorted him out with a drink but Casey was still anxiously looking out of the window and tapping his hand, "Do you want the iPad?" Casey shook his head. "Notebook?" another negative response. "Have you seen this before?" Severide questioned as he switched on the screen in front of Casey. "You can watch the whole flight on here, that's our plane, you can watch which states and cities with fly over? Clever huh?" he didn't get a response but Casey did settle down into his seat, his attention on the screen, waiting for the plane to start moving.

Casey slept most of the flight once they had taken off, Severide tried to relax but found himself too worried about Casey's reaction when he woke in a strange environment. But he needn't have worried.

"Hey," Casey smiled as he awoke blearily to find Severide sitting next to him. He pushed the blanket down and reached for the bottle of juice that was by his side.

"Hey you. Sleep good?" he replied as he opened the bottle and passed it to Casey.

"Guess so. Nearly there?" Casey asked as he handed the drink back to Severide.

"Be landing soon," he smiled, smiled because Casey knew where he was, knew he was on his way to Florida.  
 **  
**Severide had planned their vacation meticulously. He knew how exhausted and overloaded Casey would be from the travelling so as soon as they arrived at the resort he settled Casey into bed. He slept for nearly seventeen hours. Severide had allowed for twenty fours of settling into the room. It also gave Sam a much needed break after the stress of traveling, although not trained for the specific situation he had been a saint and had helped Casey feel much safer. Whilst Casey had slept that first night Severide set up their hotel suite, he set up Casey's whiteboard for his schedule and made new Post-It notes and cards for the bathroom and his clothes. The hotel was 'all-inclusive' thanks to Herrmann and everyone else back home but that point another worry into Severide's mind but once again he needn't have worried. Casey's fussy appetite was catered to and Severide would set him up with the iPad and headphones if the dining area was busy, although they wouldn't object to taking food back to their suite.

Shay rang Severide as they were walking along the beach, Severide answered the phone to an enthusiastic, _"So how is it?"_

"Good. Everything's good so far, this is the first time Casey's been out of the hotel since we got here, traveling was exhausting for both of us," he replied.

 _"Where are you?"_ she asked, she could hear the muffled sounds of waves crashing.

"On the beach. Just taking Sam for a walk," he supplied.

 _"Casey?"_  
  
"I think he's happy," he replied as he watched Casey crouch down with Sam's assistance and pick up the ball they were playing catch with.

They'd been in Florida for three days. Casey had surprisingly quickly gotten used to his new routine, most likely because Severide had tried to make it as similar to his routine at him as possible. They were sat by the pool, Sam as well, Casey was dripping wet having just been in and out of the pool for the previous half an hour.

Severide draped a large towel over his shoulders, "Get under the sunshade, that fair Irish skin of yours will just melt."

Casey sank down onto the lounger as Severide adjusted sunshade, lowering it over him.

"She's looking at you," Casey commented when Severide settled back down on his own lounger.

"Of course she is," he replied offhandedly, "I have the body of a God."

Casey scowled, "More like…"

"More like?" he urged when Casey shook his head.

"Gods are old," Casey replied simply.

"I'm older than you," he stated. Casey had forgotten all about the woman eyeing up Severide and picked up his notepad after giving Sam, who was lying under the lounger, a quick pat.

Severide was looking through the drinks menu and was about to ask Casey if he wanted a 'mocktail' but he was already fast asleep. He took the pad and pen from him, refilled Sam's water bowl and dragged another sunshade over to cover the end of the lounger.

"Case you sure you don't want a go?" Severide called out from the waves a few days later. He was having a surfing lesson. He'd organised it for the two of them but Casey was content sat back from the breaking waves with Sam by his side.

"I'm sure," he replied adamantly, Severide could barely hear him over the sound of the sea.

Severide smiled and stated with enthusiasm, hoping to urge Casey into the sea, "It's great fun."

"It looks good."

"Give it a go?"

Casey shook his head adamantly, "Balance is bad enough on land."

"Let's call it a day then and…"

Casey interrupted him, protesting, "No. Go again. I'll take photos."

"You're sure?"

"I'm sure."

The end of their vacation came around too quickly. "We can go to the pool one last time before we have to go the airport," Severide explained, he was sat on the end of Casey's bed.

"Can we walk on the beach?" Casey asked tiredly, it wasn't late but they'd had a busy morning by the pool and a busy afternoon in the games room. Severide had planned it all in the hopes that Casey would relax and sleep easily on the flight on their way home.

"Instead of swimming?" he questioned, he'd expected the pool to be his first choice, especially since it always tended to be quiet in the morning, schools didn't break up for another few weeks and party goers were sleeping off their night out.

"Sam likes it."

"He does," Severide smiled.

"Don't want to go home," he didn't want to go home to hospital appointments, didn't want to go back to their new normal.

"Me too but we…"

"Always have to do things we don't want," he finished, "What if I forget?"

"What if?" Severide smiled, "You're not supposed to be able to think 'what ifs.'"

"Surpassing expectations."

"You always do."


	9. Burden

Casey had been depressed for weeks. Ever since he'd returned home from Florida. Other than a minor nosebleed and a spilt drink their journey back had gone well. Herrmann had been waiting at the airport to give them a ride home, apparently all the others had insisted on coming along too but Shay had managed to discourage the idea. Casey had cheerfully spoken about the trip, saying he had video evidence of Severide constantly falling off his surfboard. It had been weeks since then and Severide often found Casey quietly going through the photos and videos.

"We can go again Case, we'll go next year," Severide said, taking the seat next to him at the dining room table, "We could go anywhere." They could go anywhere but today Casey has another hospital appointment, he's grown to despise them, even the brief meetings with his primary doctor. He can't stand to be pitied and most people, even Boden had, give him a look of pity as if he's not really there, as if this is it for him, he'll never be able to do anything with his life simply because he doesn't have the cognitive skills to make anything happen, he'll glide through the rest of his life following schedules other people have made, sticking to routine and never doing anything of consequence. He had never wanted to do anything of consequence; all he'd ever wanted was his own family because even now his own mom and sister barely had anything to do with him. His sister had been more than happy to give Severide the power of consent.

Before Casey even got to the middle of his meeting with the psychologist he states, "These sessions are pointless." He's done this before, he genuinely believes it but Severide remains quietly optimistic.

"What do you want Matt?"

"I want to storm out of this room," he stated, completely unfazed, he really does just want to get out of here, he feels uncomfortable, isn't it enough that his thoughts and feelings are exposed every day? But in here he has to explore them. He hates it and there's no hiding that.

"What's stopping you?" the doctor knows Casey can be impulsive at times, he can't hold back, what's holding him back now?

"You are."

"Why?" the man probes.

"Severide keeps going on and on and on that I have to be on my best behaviour or... or you'll lock me up." In fact Severide says it often, hoping Casey will remember, and he does remember, he understands too, he understood the first time he'd been told bluntly about the consequences of his behaviour, he didn't lose his intelligence, didn't lose his long term memory. It was his ability to form new memories, to think of THE consequences of his actions without having them drilled into him, to control his emotions, to remember and perform daily tasks that others took for granted. Severide can't help but wonder if it would have been better for him to lose his memory, at least then he could have rebuilt a life, rebuilt a life without the memories of all the shit that had happened to him over the years.

"I'm not going to lock you up," the doctor replies.

"You said you would and I remember my sister tried too," he's adamant, he doesn't trust his memories but he's adamant that he remembers this.

"That's not locking you up, you've admitted it yourself - you can't look after yourself," the man replied.

"It's not my fault. It is but it isn't. It's my head, it's not me, it's not my fault. I know my short term memory is... erm... shitty but I just need a little help, just a little... I don't need locking up, I don't need caring for."

"Is this what it's all about? You don't want to be cared for?" and then he stated bluntly, "Matt you cannot look after yourself, it would be negligence on our part if we let you. You're right, it's not your fault, but you do need help."

"I'm a burden."

"Is that how you see yourself?"

"Stuck and Kelly's stuck," he explained as if it were obvious to everyone around him. Casey saw and understand how much Severide had changed. He wasn't an idiot. If it weren't for him he was sure Severide would be out most nights enjoying life. But instead he was stuck with Casey, not because he couldn't be on his own, but because he was worried what could happen and that worry prevented him from relaxing when he was out.

Casey's mood changed very little over the next few days, he didn't want to leave the house but Severide did manage to persuade him to walk Sam round the block with him, and he did manage to take him swimming with little protest but he just sat by the edge and watch Severide swim laps.

"Molly's tonight?" Severide suggested on their way back from the pool.

"You can," Casey replied.

"You don't want to go? You can try one of Herrmann's new inventions?"

"Herrmann's new inventions?" he repeated, Severide knew that would capture his interest.

"He and Cruz have made an iced drink maker," Severide replied.

"Don't you just add ice to a drink?" he said incredulously.

"Why don't we go and find out?" Severide suggested.

"No I'm tired. You can go," he replied.

"Nah I'd rather stay with you."

"I won't do anything stupid," he stated.

"Not because of that. I'd just rather hang out with you than with the guys from work," Severide replied sincerely.

That night Casey had a nightmare. He had them regularly but this one was different. Severide rushed to Casey's room when he was woken by Sam's barking, his first thought was that Casey was seizing but he wasn't in his bed, wasn't on the floor by his bed, quickly he switched the main light on and mouthed "Oh..." at the sight of the wet bed. "Casey?" he called out gently, he could hear him now, crying coming from the bathroom.

Casey had woken up abruptly and had immediately felt the warm wetness in between his legs. He fought against his bed covers, almost causing Sam to fall down the side of the bed. He got up and stumbled on his way to the bathroom, closing the door just before Sam could follow him inside.

Severide was stood outside the door with Sam at his heel, "Case?"

He heard a muffled, "Go away," as Casey stopped crying.

"Can't do that Matt. You can hear Sam right? He's really worried. I'm gonna open the door Matt," Severide explained. There was no lock on the bathroom door, not since Casey had accidently shut himself in and worked himself up into such a panic that Severide had been forced to kick down the door.

Casey was rocking back and forth, he head was in his hands, Severide was sure he'd been pulling at his hair, angrily hitting his own head and scratching at his arms, "It's all right Matty," he soothed as Sam made his way over and placed his head on Casey's knee.

Severide slid down onto the floor next to him, it was a tight fit, after a few moments of silence, save for Casey's incoherent mutterings, "You know I wet the bed at camp once, in a dorm room, there were five other kids in there. Most embarrassing experience of my life to that point. But everyone moved on, they forgot about it, and only you and I know what happened tonight, you know I'm not going to use it against you."

"You're not going to tell anyone?" his voice was muffled by his hands.

"Who would I tell?" Severide questioned lightly, a small reassuring smile on his lips even though Casey head was still buried in his hands.

"Mom," Casey mumbled in between hitched breaths.

"What? ... Oh Matt... Matt it's all right," he wanted to reach out and hold him but refrained, "Look up Matt, let me see those eyes of yours, come on Matt, I want you to look up and tell me where you are."

There was a frown on Casey's face when he eventually lifted his head up, "Home."

Severide was grinning now, "Just checking," the grin faded as he asked gently, "What happened? Bad dream?" Casey's always had nightmares only now he dreams about things and doesn't know if they actually happened or not. Severide thinks he remembers the accident as he tosses and turns in bed and wakes up breathlessly and covered in sweat but he never recalls his nightmares, he only once admitted, before the accident, to having a recurring nightmare in the months after Andy Darden had died. Severide is sure that his death still repeats itself over and over again. He's heard mutters of Andy, Hallie, himself, his parents and names he didn't even recognise. He's already made a note in his head; he'll add a couple of sleeping pills into Casey night time medications tomorrow.

"Don't remember," Casey muttered, looking down at his wet pants.

"Come on, let's get cleaned up," Severide helped Casey up off the floor, he was exhausted and stood without protest as Severide helped him to wash and change, "Sleep in my bed for the rest of the night, ok?"

After cleaning up Severide lay down on his bed next to Casey, who was still wide awake, he offered him a drink and couple pills that he took without protest, something that never would have happened before the accident. Whilst Casey began to drift off he remained with him, reading aloud a chapter from the book he'd picked up from Casey's bedside table.

A week after the nightmare induced bedwetting incident it was that time of year; the annual firefighters and family BBQ. Most of House 51 were sat around a couple of picnic benches and on a few blankets when Severide and Casey arrived, with Sam by his side, a sight they were all used to now.

There were a few faces that Casey didn't recognise, new girlfriends and friends, children he doesn't remember, they're both greeted with enthusiasm as the reach the picnic benches, Herrmann ordered a couple of his kids to move down to blankets to make space for them. Casey sits at the end of the table, opposite Herrmann, Sam lay down on the grass by him.

"Drinks," Otis reached into a cooler than Casey couldn't see.

"Not drinking," Severide stated when he saw a bottle of beer come out of the cooler, "We'll both have a soda." Casey was still gazing at Severide as he opened up both cans of soda, running over the decision to reject the alcohol offered by Otis. "Ok?" Severide prompted.

But Casey didn't have chance to reply, Cruz spoke up, beaming, "Ah here she is!" Casey turned slowly and stiffly to follow Cruz's gaze, he frowned, not recognising another face. Everyone but Casey shuffled around the table making room for Cruz's guest. The others chatted amongst themselves as Cruz introduced her to Casey, all the others had obviously met her several times, "This is Holly, Holly this Matt Casey, my... was my lieutenant."

"Hi Matt, heard a lot about you," she smiled across the table towards him.

Casey just smiled back, wondering where he recognised her name from, but he couldn't recall, it was one of the most frustrating things, like everyone being in on something he wasn't.

"Holly is my fiancée Matt," Cruz explained.

"You've already told me?" he frowned.

"Yeah…" Casey had been out the firehouse a few weeks ago when Cruz had announced the news. He's also met Holly a few times. But he could barely recall her name.

"Sorry," he muttered.

"Don't be sorry Casey," Cruz replied before turning to the others and announcing, "Me and Casey are gonna go grab some food before it all goes!"

"I am sorry," Casey said once again as they walked over to the BBQ and picnic tables.

"That you forgot something that doesn't affect you? Please don't keep apologising Casey. It's not your fault," Cruz reassured him.

"Forget if I've brushed my teeth," he has no filter, nothing to stop him from expressing his thoughts, if he really thinks about, if he really tries, he can sometimes hold back, but most the time his actions, his expressions give his thoughts and feelings away anyway. It leaves him exposed.

"Lieutenant," Cruz began out of habit, they all did it, "I have something important I want ask you, you can say no, or yes, it really doesn't matter. I just really wanted to ask you."

"Ask me what?"

"Would you be my best man?"

"What?"

Cruz doesn't know if he doesn't understand or was just simply shocked at the questioned so he repeated anyway, "Would you please be my best man at the wedding?"

"Me?"

"I'd be honoured if you would. You gave me more than once chance since I've known you," Cruz spoke sincerely, "You wouldn't have to do anything, no speeches, nothing, just take the title, be there, with Sam of course." Cruz had already spoken to Severide, it had felt wrong to do so, to keep the idea hidden from Casey initially, but he hadn't wanted to ask him, for him to say yes even if he didn't want to do it, Cruz had wanted to check first if it was something that he'd want to do, not just feel obligated to do. But Casey doesn't feel obligated and just about most of the time answers questions honestly, lying takes a lot of effort now, he has to think his answers through and that happens so rarely.

"Ok," he nodded, a little stuck for words, "Cruz… thank you."

"No," Cruz shook his head, "Thank you Casey. Now we told the others we would get food so we better not go back empty handed."

Casey spent the rest of the day sat at the end of the picnic table. He'd picked at his food, the others had tried to avoid looking as he roughly torn up the bread that had surrounded the burger. Severide provided a mental shield for Casey, he was loud and chatty, kept the focus on himself and not on Casey who seemed content to watch Herrmann and his children join in with the football game. He understood well enough that it would never be him over there with his own children, he'd never be here with his own family, he'd forever be on the outside looking in on things he could never do because of the shards of skill that had splintered through his brain. Severide was always optimistic around him, always said he could get any girl he wanted, but he rarely even hold a conversation on his own. He stood up slowly from the table to questioning looks from the others.

"Ok Casey?" Severide questioned.

He nodded, took hold the large strap on Sam's bright red harness and walked over to one of the trees that scattered the park.

Severide watched from the picnic table as Casey carefully sat himself down whilst reassuring the others, "He's all right, busy day, just needs a breather."

"Morning James," Severide smiled as he entered the house a few days after the BBQ, "Casey not up yet?"

"In his room reading," James supplied as he tidied up the dining room table, "He wouldn't eat breakfast, but had a carton of Ensure."

"Dinner?"

"Pizza."

"Well that's something at least," he replied, "You can go if you want, I'll finish up."

"All right, I'll see ya Friday morning."

"Thanks James," he said goodbye before popping his head into Casey's room, he was sprawled on his front reading, just as James had said, "Hey Matt… Matt?"

"Hi," Casey looked up from his book momentarily.

"That's it? No 'How was shift Kelly?' or 'Good…"

"How was shift Kelly?" Casey questioned dryly.

"It was fine… Do you have a headache? Feel sick?" he questioned, trying to discover the reason for Casey's abruptness.

"No."

"Wanna take Sam out?"

"No."

"Ok… I'll come back later then," he frowned and back out of the room leaving Casey be for the time being.

A while later Severide entered Casey's room once again, he'd heard Casey's alarm and so had Sam so he followed him to Casey with the pill organiser in his hand. Casey was still on the bed, it didn't look like he'd moved all morning.

"I didn't ask James," Severide stated as he sat down on the edge of Casey's bed, "I don't already know, so you can lie to me if you want. Did you have a nightmare last night? Like before when…" he trails off, not wanting to upset Casey by repeating the experience that he was sure he'd remember, life has that funny way of letting you remember all the crap that happens, even Casey remembered his bad experiences more than the good ones.

"I'm just tired."

"Ok well pills are there, take them," he placed the organiser by his side, there was still a glass of water leftover from the morning, he stood up and stated, "Gonna make some lunch. Turkey sandwich for you?"

"Ok."

Severide was just about slice Casey's sandwich in half when Sam came bounding into the kitchen, barking for attention, Severide followed him immediately into Casey's room and wondered why Sam had been so insistent, Casey was lying on his side, back facing the door and seemingly asleep, not unusual.

"Case?" he leant over and gently touched his shoulder, wondering if he'd had seizure, "You awa… Oh God..."

He saw a thin line of vomit trailing out of Casey's mouth onto the mattress.

An empty pill organiser lay by his side.

He ran back out of the room, grabbed his phone and called 911.

Back in the bedroom he was by Casey's side.

Casey was still conscious. Incoherent but conscious.

"Matt I need you to listen to me. You have to stay awake."

Casey's body shuddered and jerked. Acidic bile flooded his mouth. He gagged and choked as Severide held him.

"Matt… come on…"

Casey's glazed eyes slipped closed as the sound of the sirens neared.


	10. Say Something

"Paramedics!"

"In here!" Severide called out from Casey's room. "He's OD'd," he announced as the two paramedics rushed in.

Severide was pushed back away from Casey's still and pale form.

"His pupils are constricted, breaths are shallow… What did he take?"

"At least four different meds… including painkillers…" Severide looked at the organiser and pills scattered on the bed, "All within the last half hour."

"Let's load him and go!"

In the back of the ambulance Casey was strapped on to the gurney. He was barely conscious. Severide was by his side as the paramedic got to work, "Casey stay with me." Severide wiped away the trail left by the vomit. He gripped Casey's hand. The monitors were blaring. The paramedic next to him slipping an oxygen mask over his face. They'd cut open his tops and Severide could barely see his chest moving up and down, he was barely breathing. "Stay with me, you're gonna be ok, just keep those pretty eyes of yours open," he smiled down at him.

Casey's eyes rolled back and he seized.

"Argh!" Severide almost yelled out as Casey's hand crushed his own as his body convulsed, he couldn't get it out of Casey's grip as continued to seize.

There was not only vomit but blood pooling out of Casey's contorted face. Severide's hand was being held in Casey's vice like grip until the seizure subsided. They were reluctant to give him anything to stop the seizures knowing that he'd already ingested a toxic amount of medication. The could only provide oxygen and fluids and get him to the hospital as quick as possible.

"… Multiple drug OD, conscious and vomiting at scene, seized in the ambulance…" the paramedic called out to the awaiting ER staff as Casey was wheeled through to a trauma bay, there were already bruises forming on his fair skin where the restraints had lain.

"Here's all the meds he's on," Severide handed a nurse a list he'd grabbed from the house, "Think he's had over five days' worth."

"On purpose?"

"What?" he hadn't even thought of that possibility, "No. Accidental. He has short term memory issues. He has epilepsy from a head injury and he gets…"

"Sir we've pulled up his details," the nurse stated, "You can't be in here and you need to get that hand looked at."

"No I can't leave him, I…"

"Sir I promise we are taking the best care of him but you need to let us do that ok?"

"You have to do everything, you have to make sure he lives!"

Reluctantly Severide left the room just as Casey was intubated. The blaring of the monitors ceased as the doors closed behind him. Severide barely registered the doctor talking to him, the x-ray being taken and yet more talking. All his thoughts were focused on Casey and the idea that the nurse had put in his head. _"On purpose?"_ No. Casey couldn't have done, would never have done that. It was an accident. His friend could barely plan a trip out of the house never mind an overdose, a suicide attempt. A suicide attempt. No it can't have been. It was accidental.

"Is there anyone we can call for you?" a nurse questioned, bringing him out of his worried trance.

"Do you know how Matt is?"

"They're still treating him," she replied, "Can I call anyone for you?"

"No it's fine, I've got my…" he reached to his pocket only to find it empty, "Damnit… My emergency contact, Leslie Shay, can you call her and tell her that… erm… tell her that I'm here with Casey and…"

"Would you like to use the phone?" she smiled sympathetically.

"Shay, it's Kelly," he began once she picked up the other end of the call.

 _"You all right?"_ she questioned urgently, _"This came up as an unknown number?"_

"I'm at Lakeshore with Casey, could you do me a couple favours?"

_"Is he ok?"_

"Could you go over to ours and make sure Sam is ok, I don't think I locked the front door either… actually can you bring Sam here and bring Casey's iPad, some clothes… clothes for both of us… erm… I'm not…"

_"For both of you? Kelly what's happened?"_

"Sorry could you just…"

_"Yeah I'll be there as soon as I can."_

When Shay arrived in the ER a little over half an hour later she found Severide having a cast put on his hand.

Severide looked up when the curtain was drawn back to reveal Shay carrying a large bag and holding Sam at the end of his lead. "Thanks Shay," he greeted quietly, he felt exhausted, physically and mentally, now the adrenaline had worn off and the painkillers they'd given him for his hand had kicked in.

"Are you ok? I mean, you're obviously not ok…" she let the curtain slip closed and walked over to the bed he was sat on.

"Just a few broken bones," he scoffed, it paled in comparison to everything Casey had gone through in the last eighteen months.

"Casey? I saw the vomit and the…"

"He overdosed."

Shay had assumed as much, "Is he ok?"

Severide shook his head, "There were five and a half days worth of meds in that organiser. Five and a half days. They won't let me see him yet, they're still treating him, he's still critical." The doctor had come to find him after his x-ray to talk to him about Casey but he could remember very little of the conversation.

"There, all done, you just need to wait forty-five minutes until it's set," the nurse informed him before she left to deal with another patient.

"Do you want me to see if I can find anything…"

"It was accidental but… but do you think he did it on purpose? Do you think he could do it on purpose?"

"What?"

"I thought it was an accident," Severide replied, frowning, looking down at his plastered hand.

"And now you think he did it on purpose?" she shook her head, "Casey would never… he wouldn't…" but that was before, before his world came crashing down around him, before his life was changed forever, "No. He would have had to think about… plan it and…"

"He's still smart. I told them to do everything they could to keep him alive. But he doesn't want that. There was a reason he wanted me to be in charge of his medical care," Severide thought aloud.

"You're thinking too much into this, he asked you months ago for that… Kelly he's not capable of trying to kill himself, you know that really," Shay tried her best to reassure him.

"Yeah," he nodded, "Yeah it was accident, he got confused and... yeah that makes more sense, that's more likely."

Half an hour later Casey's ER doctor came and found them, "Kelly Severide?"

Severide nodded and stood up from the waiting room chair, "Doc?"

The doctor pulled them aside and began, "Matt should be out of the woods now, we've admitted him, he's on dialysis to relieve his liver and kidneys, he's still intubated but once his O2 stats improve we can take the tube out. Once he's awake we'll check for any further neurological damage. We're giving him antibiotics because I'm worried about him developing pneumonia so this should fight any infection from aspirating some of his stomach contents. And you said this was an accidental overdose?" Severide nodded, "Ok an occupational therapist may want to discuss any living arrangements for after his recovery to make sure this doesn't happen again. You can see him briefly now before he's taken upstairs and then visiting hours are eight 'til eight."

Severide was led into the trauma bay. The machines whirled, the cardiac monitor beeped rhythmically, the tube from the gastric lavage was still secured with white tape on his nose. That and the ventilator nearly obscured the majority of his pale face. They'd yet to clean up the black smudges of charcoal.

"Damnit Casey," he muttered, "You're determined to make me turn grey early."

Shay managed to persuade Severide to go home. Casey's primary physician had been informed of the situation and has reassured Severide that everything looked good, he's already been taken off the ventilator after a quick test, he didn't expect Casey to wake up overnight and told him he'd call if anything happened, bad or good. So reluctantly Severide went home. He could smell the mess from Casey's bedroom as soon as he entered and let Sam off his lead.

Sam immediately went and sat in front of Casey's closed bedroom door. "He'll be home soon. He's gonna be ok," Severide bent over, patting him, "You did good Sam."

Severide had insisted that Shay didn't need to stay over, she however insisted that she'd be back in the morning to take him to the hospital, he couldn't drive with his hand in plaster. So he went about cleaning up Casey's room, cleaning the sheets, scrubbing the mattress and electric blanket, and he opened the window in hope of freshening up the place, all ready for Casey to return home.

Casey woke up the next day. He didn't speak but he seemed to be aware, he did follow the doctors instructions, he gripped lightly with his hands when asked, followed the man's pen, but still wouldn't speak. In the past Casey refused to speak when he was tired, when his words became jumbled before they even left his lips but right now he'd not even tried, his lips hadn't even parted.

"Doc?" Severide questioned at Casey's refusal to speak.

"He bit his tongue but not enough to stop him from trying to speak," the doctor replied.

"Let me try," Severide moved up to Casey's bed, "Hey you remember me right?"

Casey frowned, his glassy eyes looked right at Severide just briefly, but that was nothing new, he'd struggled to maintain eye contact since he'd woken up from the coma, and the frown that had crossed his face was not one of confusion, it was irritation, annoyance at being asked such a stupid question; of course he could remember Severide.

"Say something, tell me your name," Severide urged.

"Wh…pen…"

"What happened? Just an accident, you're ok," he replied, he doubted Casey would even remember this conversation, he wasn't about to tell him that he'd swallowed a load of pills. He looked up at the doctor who gave a curt nod, "Go back to sleep Case, I'll be right here."

At the firehouse nearly two days later Herrmann questioned, "Hey do guys know how Casey's doing?"

"Severide's barely said anything," Otis replied, all they knew was that Severide had broken his hand and Casey was in the hospital.

"He's still in the hospital, apparently he took a load of pills," Dawson supplied, having heard what had happened when they'd dropped off a patient at the ER.

"On purpose?" Otis questioned disbelievingly.

Dawson shrugged, "Wouldn't you?"

"Thought he was doing good? Getting better?" Otis asked.

"You don't get better from that," Dawson replied in a hushed tone.

"Dawson…" Herrmann began.

"Heads up," Otis stated when as Severide entered the common room.

"Lieutenant, how's Casey doing?" Herrmann called over.

"He's fine," he replied.

Herrmann smiled, "He want visitors?"

"Erm… he's still in the ICU, he's pretty out of it," he explained.

"Ok well let us know if…"

"Thanks guys, but don't worry, he'll be fine," he stated forcefully before heading to Boden's office.

"Kelly come in," Boden waved him through the open door, "Just wanted to check in with you, thought it was better in person rather than over the phone. What's the doctor said?" he eyed the cast on Severide's hand.

"Good as new in a few weeks."

"And Matt?"

"I… I don't know… erm… there shouldn't be any permanent damage."

"Talk to me Kelly," he implored.

Severide shook his head, smiled, "He'll be fine. You know Casey. He'll be all right."

When Severide arrived at the hospital a short while later he found that Casey had been moved to a private room, his regular doctor was sat with him, "I want you to remember these three words; phonebook…"

"Can't."

"I want you to try for me Matt," he urged.

"Leave," Casey muttered, annoyed at the other man's presence, Severide felt like apologising for his uncooperativeness.

"I can't," he replied, "I need you to answer some questions for me and then I will leave you alone, I promise."

Casey simply turned his head away; if he couldn't see the doctor, the doctor couldn't see him.

"Matt," he began with authority, "Look at me please."

"Please…"

"Matt do you know where you are?" he questioned clearly, emphasising every word.

Casey's eyes flickered around the room, he still didn't notice Severide's presence by the door, "Hospital."

He smiled, "Good Matt. Do you remember what happened?"

The doctor watched as Casey tried to recall what had led him to this moment but his face crumbled, "Sorry…"

"It's ok," he replied, a small smile on his lips, "Do you still feel nauseous? Sick?"

Casey frowned, "No." He can't remember telling the doctor just less than fifteen minutes ago that his stomach ached.

"Good, I'll be back in to see you later Matt. Kelly's here now," he looked back towards the door where Severide was patiently waiting, "But I think you should get some rest."

Severide and the doctor spoke out of Casey's earshot, "How is he?"

"It's difficult to tell if there's any further neurological damage," the doctor admitted, "We'll just have to keep an eye on him. As you saw, as you know, there's no use bombarding him with tests. We both know he needs to be willing to…"

"Yeah…" Severide sighed, he knew too well that Casey's mood heavily affected his mind, "Physically?"

"He still runs the risk of pneumonia…"

"But he's on antibiotics?"

The doctor nodded, "Besides that, liquid diet for a few days because of his tongue, but he doesn't seem fazed by that now although he's still being given painkillers…"

"He's still having all his usual meds right? If he misses a dose…"

"Kelly," the doctor placed an arm on Severide's shoulder, "You can relax, whilst he's here with us we'll handle everything."

Severide released a deep breath, "I know, I know, I'm sorry, I just…"

"You take great care of him Kelly, but you can let us do that just for a short while," the doctor smiled, "Sit with him, he's still feeling rather lost."


	11. Your Casey

Severide entered Casey's hospital room to find him struggling. There was a nurse by his side. Casey was moving away from her, he'd attempted to push himself into the back of the bed, he was squirming away from her touch, his movements were jerky and uncoordinated, he lacked fluidity but he was succeeding in keeping her away.

"Matt I need you to stay still, let me…"

Severide stepped further into the room. "What's wrong? I just went to get coffee… Oh..." He saw Casey's bloody nose.

"He won't let me near him," the nurse stated before trying to calm Casey once more, "Matt I just need to help clean up the blood, ok?"

"Just step back, he'll settle," Severide advised, she gave him a disbelieving look but complied and sure enough Casey's hitched and panicked breaths calm, "All right Matty?"

"Sev?" he question blearily, he wasn't looking at him, wasn't looking at the nurse, his eyes weren't focusing.

"Yeah, was just getting coffee, remember?" Casey shook his head and brought his hand shakily up to his face, smearing blood on the back of it before dropping back down on the bed unceremoniously. Severide watched as he began to move the other arm, "Case stop, you need to keep that arm still."

"Yeah sorry…" he muttered, finally focussing, he was looking down at the lines leading to the dialysis machine.

Casey was still looking down when Severide spoke. "You'll be free of that later," he smiled, "Now, your face is a mess so we're gonna clean it up."

"Why?" the word stumbled out of his mouth.

"'Cause you can't go around with…"

"No…" he went to hit his head in frustration but the drugs made his body sluggish and his reactions even slower than usual so he was stopped in the process with Severide's strong grip but he didn't panic at the touch.

"Why did you have a nosebleed? You had seizure Case, you had three, you probably just burst a small blood vessel. Just like last summer, at the park?" Severide tried to give him some context but the look on his face showed him that he couldn't recall anything.

"… Why I'm here? Sev please… can't… "

"Shh… it's all right, you're just tired," Severide soothed. "Just relax and watch some TV," he grabbed the remote and found the Discovery Channel. "How's that?" Casey fell silent and his focus remained on the TV screen as Severide gently wiped away the blood from his face and hand. Casey didn't so much as flinch.

He stepped outside the room with the nurse and left Casey as he drifted off to sleep, "You're brilliant with him," the nurse smiled, "Thank you."

"He's still really out of it…"

"Give it some time," she consoled, "You look like you need go home and get some decent sleep."

"No, I'll stay 'til I'm kicked out," he stated. Severide was worried about Casey's panicked state, he was struggling to recognise the constant flitter of hospital staff.

Shay arrived at the hospital later on in the afternoon, just in time to see Casey taken off the dialysis machine, she stood outside the room and watched through the slits in the venetian blinds as Severide distracted Casey from the nurses touch with his own hand carding though his blonde hair, he was speaking to him but Shay could only imagine what he was saying.

The IV needles were replaced with plasters and Casey's arm was finally free of the machine. "All done Matt," the nurse smiled but Casey didn't hear her, his attention was still focused on Severide.

When Severide noticed Shay through the glass he stood up, placed and hand on Casey's arm and explained he'd be back.

"How is he?" Shay asked Severide stepped out of the room.

"Still really out of it, they threatened him with restraints, he can't bear to be touched by anyone he doesn't know, he has no idea why he's here… I'm just trying to keep his attention, keeps having panic attacks…"

"When are they looking to release him?"

"Physically he's all right other than the usual, some nausea, but they want him here under observation, they've not managed to complete any neuro exams yet, he's not being very cooperative," Severide explained.

"That's unusual unless he's…"

"He is exhausted and when he is more aware he's confused because he doesn't understand what's happened, what's happening… I've asked them to reduce some of his meds, help make his head feel a little clearer," he replied.

"Or it's because there's…"

"Because there's more damage from the oxygen deprivation when he was seizing. Yeah. That's a possibility. I'm not considering that. He's just snowed in with all the drugs, he won't let them touch him, keeps having panic attacks because he just doesn't remember where is… they gave him Haldol… it's really messed him up."

"I won't come in then," Shay replied.

"No, think you'd be a welcome face plus if you persuade him to drink half of the Ensure carton and I'll buy you a drink?" Severide grinned.

"Deal."

They entered Casey's room together, he was now lying on his right side, the thin blankets had become tangled around his lower half, the hospital gown had slipped over his pale shoulder, Severide wanted to swoop over an readjust everything but he refrained, didn't want to alarm him with any quick and sudden movements.

"Look who's come to see you Matt," Severide smiled, he spoke clearly and precisely but Casey didn't bother to look up.

Shay bent down besides the bed so she was at Casey's eye level, "Hey Casey."

"Hi…"

"Hi," Shay grinned, happy with Casey's effort, "How are feeling?"

"Dunno.."

"Don't know? You look tired to me, you in any pain?"

A small frown crossed his face, "No…"

"Good," she smiled. "You're a little tangled up in the bed sheets. Let's sit you up and sort you out. I brought you some more things from home," she kept talking to him as she helped him up and adjust the sheets, she pulled out a throw and a pillow from his bedroom, hoping the familiar smell and feel would help him feel better, "How's that?"

Casey simply nodded but his half lidded eyes had followed Shay's movement, he'd focused on her and allowed her touch.

"Bet you're hungry? I'm starving!" she reached over a grabbed a carton, she pierced it and took a sip, "You want some?"

He nodded weakly.

"You can finish it if you want," she smiled as she held the straw to his mouth. It took fifteen minutes but Casey finished the carton. "Good Matt. Can I stay for a little bit? Play some cards?"

"Tired."

"All right," she smiled, "Lie back then, I'll set the iPad up so you can watch your favourite film?"

"'K..."

Severide had been stood by the edge of the room watching the interaction, he'd not interrupted, not dared to move and destroy Casey's peace.

Once Casey was happily lying on his side, with the iPad propped up on the bed rail, Shay smiled down at him and joined Severide, "I'll swing by and pick you up later."

"Nah I'll get a cab," he replied.

"I'm on shift tomorrow, can't pick you up at the end of the day... don't mind coming back later," she explained.

"It's fine. I'm capable of getting home on my own today and tomorrow. I'll see you in the morning, and thanks for this..." he eyed Casey's content form.

"You owe me a drink," she teased, "See ya tomorrow then. He'll be all right Kelly, he seems ok to me, really out of it but ok all things considered," she added reassuringly.

Severide took a seat in the armchair in the corner of the room once Shay had left. He flipped through a magazine, scrolled through his phone aimlessly, all the while he kept looking up at the blonde mop of hair poking out of the bed covers, he was still contentedly focused on the iPad.

Casey spent the next twenty-four hours in and out of consciousness. His stomach ached. His throat was raw and tight. His thoughts were muffled. His speech was slurred but for the most part he was understood. He could barely hold a conversation and preferred to give one word answers. He wouldn't speak without being spoken to. He neglected to focus on anything much save for the TV and the iPad, although he refused to attempt any of the usual games installed on it, sloppily shoving it away when Severide had tried to coax him into doing something besides sleeping and staring at a screen.

"He's still not himself," Severide stated when the doctor came in for evening rounds.

"Give it some time; it's only been three days since he was in the ER. We are starting to scale back the meds…"

"He's normally all right after thirty-six hours, sometimes less…"

"Kelly this wasn't his epilepsy," the doctor spoke gently, "He ingested a toxic amount of pills, he had three almost consecutive seizures, we should be thankful that he's just awake; he's doing really well under the circumstances," he reassured him.

"You said you're scaling back his meds? He won't be given any Haldol whilst I'm not here? Just because your staff are incompetent and can't..."

"Kelly he was being incredibly difficult, the doctor on call didn't want him to hurt himself or one of the nurses."

"Casey isn't difficult, he's never been difficult a day in his life," he replied.

"Kelly it was a last resort, they are familiar with his case but not as familiar as you, or even I, you know how Matt can be with strangers too," the doctor explained.

"Just make sure it doesn't happen again."

Shay stood at the top of the porch and waiting for Severide to answer the door the next morning. "Kelly?" she called out as she stepped inside the house having given up waiting for Severide open the door, she wondered into the messy house, "Kel…" she found him on the floor in Casey's bedroom, "What's happened?"

Severide looked up, shocked to suddenly find Shay in the house, "What you doin' here?"

"It's seven… giving you a ride to the hospital…" she frowned, "You're hungover?"

"Yeah…"

"Is Casey all right?"

"Don't know," he shrugged.

"You don't know?" she questioned with an air of disbelief.

"I left him."

"And got shitfaced because?"

"He was crying out in pain and I left him. I left him. Probably wouldn't remember if I was there or not anyway… I left him. I can't do this."

She took a seat next to him on the floor and only just noticed Sam lying vigilantly on Casey's bed, "You are doing this Kelly, you've been doing it for the last year and an a half. He's your best friend. Seeing him in pain is overwhelming, but there was nothing you could have done, he has a whole load of hospital staff looking after him."

Severide shook his head, "Should have stayed. Always tell him I'll never leave him. But… but that's not Casey. That's not Casey lying in that hospital bed. And they're not looking after him."

"Yes it is. It's a drugged to the eyeballs Casey, a Casey who overdosed on his epilepsy meds, his painkillers, his anti-depressants, a Casey who had his skull crushed and survived. He's your Casey and you know it," she stressed, "I think you're scared. Casey is one of the very few things in this world that scares you. I think you thought you were gonna lose him again."

"Why did I just leave him? He hates it there... God... he's always hated hospitals..."

"Kelly stop. Don't do this to yourself," Shay tried, "Let's take Sam with us, I can bring him home after a few hours. I'm sure Casey will appreciate it?"

"He would. He would if..."

"Kelly let's just go, let's just go and see how he is, they've reduced his meds right? He should be doing better."

Severide was stood outside of Casey's hospital room, Sam by his side, when Shay walked back over to him having just been speaking to the nurse at the station.

"They gave him some painkillers last night, nothing too strong, just his usual, suspected he was having a migraine, he never said where the pain was. He's had his usual meds this morning, took them down with a glass of water, no protest," Shay explained before stating with a smile, "He was asking for you when he woke up."

"He was?" Severide questioned as he looked through the blinds, Casey was lying on his side, he couldn't tell if he was awake or not.

"He was," she smiled, "So you better go see him. I'll wait here with Sam."

Severide pulled the stool up to Casey bedside and took a seat/ "Hey Matt," he greeted when Casey's blue eyes flittered open, "Want an ice chip?" Severide was given his answer a moment later Casey simply let his jaw drop.

Casey let the ice chip melt in his mouth, it soothed his sore throat, Severide hoped the nausea had stopped, hoped that the emesis basin on the side would not be needed today.

"Another?" Severide smiled down at him, offering another ice chip.

"Yeah…"

"Yeah? They good huh?" Severide beamed now he'd got an audible response.

"Mmm…"

"Here ya go then, gourmet cuisine right there," Severide teased and placed the ice chip in his mouth. Casey let his eyes close. Severide gently wiped his chin and then took his hand. He ran his thumb in circles on Casey's palm, the constant repetitive action reassured him. After a while he spoke once more, "There's someone as nearly as blond as you are waiting outside with Shay wanting to come see you."

"Huh?"

"You wanna see Sam?"

"Sam?"

"Yeah," Severide smiled, "He wants to see you, he's been sitting vigil on your bed. He's outside Casey."

"He's here?"

Severide looked over to Shay through the glass, "He is. I'm gonna help you move onto your back ok? Then we can raise the bed a little."

Casey cried out as he moved from his side to his back.

"Where does it hurt? Do you have a headache?" a headache wouldn't be unusual, Casey was so prone to them.

"No…" but he settled down once he was lying still.

"Ok?" Severide questioned and when Casey affirmed he put the pain down to aches and discomfort from the seizures, after all he'd had three. It wouldn't be strange for his body to still be incredibly sore just like his doctor had explained, only time would help.

Casey's pain was forgotten when Sam came into the room. The two of them lay on the bed together, both contently dozing as Severide and Shay spoke.

"He is doing better," Severide smiled.

"Told ya so," she grinned, "You still owe me a…"

But Severide's attention was suddenly focused on Casey who'd just moaned in his sleep. He stood up and stated, "I'm getting the doctor."

"What?"

"He's in pain every time he moves," Severide explained his realisation.

"He usually…"

"This isn't the usual."


	12. Burning

Severide was stood at the nurses station on Casey's floor, he'd asked to see Casey's doctor and was less than impressed when he was told he wouldn't be back in until tomorrow, instead his colleague was on duty.

"You the one that gave him Haldol?" Severide questioned the man immediately, still annoyed at the incident that had left Casey so detached from reality, so compliant.

The doctor looked through Casey's chart, "No, it looks like that was the on-call doctor, I'm Doctor Daly, I work under Doctor Wright. I am familiar with Matt's case. What's the problem?"

Severide looked him up and down, "You're not a student?"

"Resident," he replied, "What's the problem?"

"I'm sorry I just want…"

"I understand, I do," he nodded, "Now, what can I do for you?"

"Casey's in pain," Severide stated simply before going on to explain, "It's not the usual aches and pains after a seizure. He's in pain when he moves. It's different to… look it's been nearly four days and I know it wasn't the usual seizure, seizures even, but this is different. I know it is."

"Ok, let's have a look," Daly smiled sympathetically.

Severide woke Casey up gently, having decided he was the best person to do the task. "No…" Casey groaned as he was brought into the world of consciousness.

"Hi Matt, I'm Doctor Daly," he smiled down at Casey's sluggish form, "How are you feeling Matt?"

Casey opened his mouth but no decipherable words passed his lips.

"Are you in pain Matt?" when he got no response he repeated the question.

One word eventually escaped Casey's lips, "… urts…" it was barely audible but all three people in the room understood.

"Where? Where does it hurt Matt?" the doctor urged.

Shay stepped in as Casey continued to lay unresponsive, this wasn't something new, it did occasionally take him quite some time to fully wake up and that was when he was at home without having taken any different medications. "Matt honey," she smiled down at him, "Can you show me where it hurts?"

"It hurts," Casey spoke much more clearly now, he was slowly but surely becoming more and more aware.

"I know Matt," she soothed, "Does your head hurt?" she pointed to her own head in example.

"Yes."

Severide wasn't convinced that was it, Casey had been crying out when he was moved, when he changed positions, when he was touched, he didn't doubt that he had a headache, but there was something more, "Matt where else does it hurt?"

"Kelly…" Shay warned, worried at his almost aggressive approach.

But Severide ignored her and pressed on despite Casey's balking expression, "Matt touch the pain." And ever so slowly Casey right hand moved jerkily to his left shoulder, "Good Matt."

"Ok Matt," the doctor began, "I'm going to have a feel of your shoulder, see if we can see what's causing your pain, ok?"

"Don't," Casey warned, "It hurts."

"I know, that's why I need to feel it, so I can help it stop hurting," he relied gently, "I promise I'll leave you alone after I've helped you."

When Casey didn't protest the doctor moved in and carefully opened up his gown, he warmed up his hands before gently touching the shoulder in question. Casey took a sharp intake of breath. "Sorry if my hands are cold," he stated, but Casey didn't reply, didn't tell him that his hands weren't cold, didn't tell him that they felt like they were burning his skin. Casey took another pained intake of breath as his shoulder was examined.

"Ok Matt, I want to get a better look at your shoulder, promise it won't hurt so much this time," he explained before calling for a nurse and asking for a portable ultrasound, when she returned he explained how he wanted to see inside Casey's shoulder, he wanted to check for any damage or tears causing the pain when Casey's shoulder was moved.

In the end the doctor scheduled Casey for an MRI later that day. The MRI (which Casey fell asleep then woke up and had a small panic attack when he realised he was strapped down) revealed a 2cm tear in the ligament in the shoulder. A rotator cuff tear. Painful and mildly debilitating but not at all life threatening. Casey was given anti-inflammatories and an ice pack. Severide was given the details of the injury and recovery time. There was a surgical option but Severide opted to wait and go with steroid injections along with physiotherapy because even though Casey had hated physio before he knew it would be preferable to surgery, and if he was honest with himself he'd admit that he didn't want the risk of Casey going under anaesthetic and the stress of the surgery.

Severide smiled when he entered Casey's room that evening, three milkshakes carefully held, to find Casey sat up and engaged in a simple card game with Shay. Casey didn't notice him enter, too focused on the cards in front of him, Shay looked over and smiled, she knew seeing Casey up and alert, and not in pain, would lift his mood. Severide stood quietly for a while, didn't want to interrupt and disrupt Casey's attention, the tip of his tongue had crept out of his lips as he focused, Severide was happy to watched Casey's mindless attempts to succeed at the game of snap, of course without remember which cards he'd previously picked up and not managed to match there was little chance of success, but Casey was content and that was all that mattered.

Casey lost his focus and smiled when he saw Severide, "Kelly."

"Ah good you remember me," Severide teased.

"Not funny," he replied.

"You're still smiling," Severide grinned.

"Not laughing," he stated.

"God… get a room you two…" Shay scoffed. The comment went straight over Casey's head.

"I brought shakes," Severide announced, he passed one to Shay and place the other two on the table over Casey's lap.

"Not hungry," Casey shook his head.

"Good 'cause it's a drink, not food," but Casey just shook his head once again, "Do you feel sick?" Casey nodded, "Ok, they can give you something for that, you know that," Severide spoke gently, "You need to tell me, or Shay or any of the staff how you feel, ok?"

"So much," he replied as Shay stepped out of the room to fetch a nurse and antiemetic.

"I know Case but it's all right, you've been through a lot in the last few days, nausea is a side effect of your epilepsy meds, I'm fairly certain it's the higher dose of the Depakote that does it to you, I'll speak the doctor about it," Severide reassured him.

"Know me better than me," Casey commented.

"I just know that you feel sick and I am blessed with brain that wasn't sliced open so I can just about remember what meds you're on," – just about – No. He could remember the exact medications, the exact dosage.

Casey soon happily got to drink nearly half of his milkshake once Shay and the nurse had arrived back. He struggled to hold the cup, Severide was more than happy to assist but Casey soon turned his head away, there was only so much help he wanted to accept and now the heavy cocktail of drugs had been reduced he was aware, although still incredibly confused as to why he was in the hospital. He must have had a bad seizure, he could vaguely remember something about his shoulder but he couldn't recall anything about it. Shay stayed for another hour, until Casey began to drift off to sleep, he was exhausted, there were heavy bags under his eyes, almost bruise coloured, they stood out against his pale, almost sickly, skin, but Severide was already starting to feel a little relieved, there didn't seem to be any damage from the oxygen deprivation but Casey had yet to get out of bed and yet to do anything more challenging than a brief game of snap.

It was nearing the end of the visiting house when Casey shifted on the bed, Severide didn't miss him wince, didn't miss him groan in pain, "Does your shoulder hurt?"

"Yeah."

Severide frowned, it shouldn't be hurting him now, he'd only recently been given some Ibuprofen and he'd had his first steroid injection not long after the pain in his shoulder had been diagnosed, he shouldn't be feeling enough pain to make him cry out in pain, "Just your shoulder?"

"Everything."

"You're just tired Case, you're all right," Severide adjusted the bed so that Casey was lying down, he moved to touch his arm reassuringly but Casey shuffled away, "I'll be back in the morning with Shay, ok? We'll bring Sam. Get some sleep."

Shay had taken Sam home and ended up staying over with Severide, partly because she wanted to keep an eye on him and partly because logistically it worked well. She poured herself a cup of coffee, she needed her morning caffeine fix before they set off to the hospital. A bemused expression crossed her face when she saw Severide, "Kelly… what are you doing?"

"Oh," Severide looked up from the Tupperware box, it was very obvious what he was doing, "Casey's never liked red M&Ms."

"They all taste the same?"

He shrugged, "Apparently they don't." Casey was barely eating, he wasn't surprised, Casey hated hospitals, hated hospital food, he had no appetite and half the time his brain refused to tell him that his body was hungry just like half the time it refused to find the right word, refused to think a logical solution, refused to remember information he'd been told only five minutes previously.

Casey was asleep when they arrived, Sam in tow and box of M&Ms in hand, so they caught up with his doctor when he'd finished his rounds, there was nothing new to report and Severide was eager to get Casey home so the nurse was under instruction to make sure Casey started to get up and about today then he would soon be able to go home.

The happiness of waking up and discovering Sam lying alongside him was soon diminished when after breakfast (a breakfast including M&Ms) he was, in his opinion, forced to sit up and get out of the bed. He was warm and safe under his cocoon of bed sheets. If he stayed as still as possible he felt very little.

"Just take it nice and slow Case," Severide smiled as the nurse tidied up the wires and tubes that were currently Casey's lifeline.

"Only do slow," Casey commented.

The nurse gently took his hand and placed it on the IV pole, "Ready when you are."

Severide offered an encouraging smile as Casey's weight went onto his feet as he stood up, the nurse supporting his left side and the IV pole supporting his right. His movements were slow, slower than usual, but that was to be expected, he'd been lying the hospital bed for nearly four days now with only minimal exercises performed by the nurses.

"Casey?" Severide knew there was something wrong after his friend took his first two steps forwards. His feet had almost been dragged. Casey hadn't realised his movements were so stilted but he felt different, something was different. He stopped. "It's all right Case, keep going," Severide encouraged.

"You're doing well Matt," the nurse reassured him. Only Casey knew he wasn't. He was exhausted. His entire body ached, it felt like there flashes of pain eroding his entire body. He could barely put one foot in front of the other. He looked down to see that he was barely moving his feet of the ground. Looking down produced a wave of dizziness.

Severide grabbed his arm, "Let's stop."

"No…" and Casey took another step forward and another, "Let go."

Severide and the nurse exchanged glances but neither protested against Casey's determination. Determination Severide hadn't seen for months. Casey took two steps with only the IV pole for assistance. He hadn't walked in a straight line. But he had walked.

"I'm done…" he breathed heavily. He turned back around, Severide came to side and helped him back to the bed.

"You did good Case," Severide smiled, "You'll have some physio like…" - like last time - "… some physio and you'll be fine." Only this time physio wouldn't help. The oxygen deprivation had destroyed even more of his motor functions. This was it.

Severide lay his newspaper down when he heard Casey stir later that day, he hoped he was waking up, he didn't want to have to disturb him when it came time to have some lunch. Casey was waking but his breaths were becoming heavier and heavier as he entered the conscious world and suddenly he was agitatedly pushing back the bed sheets.

"Case what's wrong?"

"It's burning," he was frantically clawing at his own skin.

"Burning… What's burning?"

He was whimpering now, his breaths caught in his throat as his distress grew, "Everything…"

"Nothing's burning Matty, I promise, you're fine," but Casey's cries didn't subside and he didn't calm down. He pulled at his gown, almost pulled out his IV line, and continued to panic, "Matt…" Severide hit the call button, he didn't know what else to do.

Severide was attempting to keep Casey in his gown when the nurse arrived

"Says he burning. Thought he was just having a nightmare…"

The nurse looked up the monitor,]. "His heart rate's racing…" she noted before turning to Casey, "Matt try and stay still for me, I'll unfasten the gown for you," the gown dropped down revealing Casey's fine chest, "There's nothing on your skin Matt, there's nothing burning you."

"Feels…"

"Feels like it's burning, ok," she nodded, "I'm going to get the doctor and check you can have something more for the pain, ok sweetie, just hang on for me, you'll be ok."

All the while Severide stood by and watched, he didn't think Casey was even aware of his presence anymore. The doctor entered and rushed over to Casey's side. There was a whirl of action and thankfully Casey's cries soon stilled. Severide was so focused on Casey, now lying still on the bed, lips parts slightly, heart rate monitor soundless now, he didn't noticed the doctor leave, the nurse following him. He moved back to Casey, wiped the tears from his face.

A while later Severide quietly closed the door as he exited Casey's room, he looked comfortably asleep and Severide thought he was unlikely to wake up anytime soon. Doctor Wright was stood talking to the nurse by the station. Both held serious expressions.

"What's wrong?" he questioned them.

"We're not a hundred percent sure right now, we need to monitor him, keep him under observation," the doctor replied.

"Great..." Severide deadpanned, "What are you not a hundred percent sure about? What do you think is wrong?"

"We think his brain is telling him that he's in pain when he's not actually in pain," he explained.

"He _was_ in pain," Severide stated, "Casey has always, always tried to hide his pain. Even after the accident he still tried to mask half the time… he was in pain, _real_ pain."

"Yeah, he was, what he feels is real but there's no source. It's called Central Pain Syndrome," Doctor Wright replied, he spoke gently and sympathetically as he broke the news of the likely cause of Casey's pain.

"Why?"

The doctor sighed regrettably, "If it is CPS it's because of the overdose, because of the oxygen deprivation…"

"It caused more brain damage?"

"Yes," he nodded, "The pain centre of the brain, his central nervous system, has most likely been damaged."

"How will you know this for sure?" Severide questioned, demanded.

"We can do another MRI scan, but he is feeling pain when there is nothing we can find that's causing it."

"His shoulder?"

"Doesn't explain the burning sensation," the doctor replied.

"If he has this… this CPS what happens?"

"We can manage it."

"Manage it? Can't you just cure it?"

"There's no injury to cure, it's in his brain, his brain is telling him that he's in pain when there's no reason for him to be," the doctor explained.

"Then how do you even manage it?"

"With painkillers, sedatives, some exercises may help, but I'll tell you now, we may never found a balance with all his meds that gets rid of his pain completely but we'll try our best to make it manageable."

"And how long will it last? How long will be in pain? How often will happen?" all Severide could think about was how unfair life was being to Casey right now. All because he'd saved another life. The world was unfair.

"It can vary; it really depends on the person, brain injuries…"

"Are tricky. Yeah," Severide scoffed, "Know that."

"It could be intermittent, it could be constant, we need keep him under observation."

"Here? He can't go home? I can't deal with this at home?" he desperately wanted to get Casey home where he was happiest.

"At this moment in time I wouldn't advise it."

Severide let out deep breath, the doctor walked away, and he looked through the glass into Casey's room. He could see him lying in what he hoped was a pain free sleep. How was he going to explain this to him? How would he tell him that the pain centre of his brain was damaged? That the pain he felt had no source? That there was no cure?

What life would Casey have now?


	13. Scared

Shay returned back to the hospital, having taken Sam home, to find Severide sat alone in the room. The bed was empty, "Where's Casey?"

"Having another MRI scan," Severide supplied without looking away from the empty bed.

"Another?"

"They think he's feeling pain that doesn't exist," he almost sighed, "Central Pain Syndrome. Another crappy item to add to the list of things Casey now has to suffer through…"

"Oh Kelly…"

"No cure."

"Painkillers?"

"Trial and error. They gave him Lidocaine earlier. That helped… sort of. Apparently instead of getting rid of his pain we're just gonna make him sleep," he scoffed.

"It's an anaesthetic, it does help with pain Kelly," she reassured him.

"Yeah and keeps him so out of it that he didn't even know I was here, didn't even realise he was being taken for another scan," he said miserably.

"I'm sure it's a temporary measure, they need to…"

"Monitor him. Keep him under observation. I know," Severide stated, "Just wanna take him home. Get him out of here."

"I'm sorry Kelly," she didn't know what else to say, didn't know what she could do to help.

"Least he's so doped up he won't have a panic attack in the middle of the scan this time," he almost laughed, the whole situation was just out of control right now. It had taken Severide and Casey a while to get into a routine, a routine that worked well for them both, it had taken them both time to adjust, and now everything felt like it had fallen apart. Severide glanced at his watch, "He should be back by now… I'm gonna see what's taking them so…" but just as he stood up Doctor Wright entered the room, "Where's Casey?"

"He had a grand mal in the MRI machine," the doctor stated.

"Of course he did," bitterness traced his voice.

"He's all right. They're just up there now re-doing the scan. Didn't want you to worry that he wasn't back yet," the man replied.

"Yeah… thanks," although his voice was thick and he wasn't at all appreciative. The doctor left. Severide sat back down on the chair and let his head drop into his hands, "I can't do this."

Shay bit her lip, edged over and place an arm around Severide's tense shoulders, "Kelly if you really think you can't do this we… we need to look at other options. Assisted living, long term…"

Severide sat straight back up. "No," he stood up, determined, "I'm gonna get the nurse to get him some heated blankets ready for when he's back, he'll be sore all over again… or will they just make him hurt because… God…" he sighed, "No. We'll try it, if it worsens his pain then we're obviously gonna have to find something other than heat that helps him after a seizure."

Shay smiled sadly, smiled sadly at how much Severide had changed, it was good what he was doing, it really was, but what life was this for both of them? Just as Casey had come to the realisation, Shay had come to it too, both of them were stuck, with everyone else living their lives around them. It was easier for her to flit in and out of their lives but things had only gotten worse for Casey. Maybe he had tried to end it all. She'd never admit that thought to Severide though.

Casey arrived back to the room unconscious with bruises where the MRI restraints lay already worsening, the doctor had stopped the machine and rushed to him as quickly as possible but the damage had already been done. Casey woke up in his room completely oblivious, didn't realise he'd even left the room, the only thing that was peculiar were the bruises he could see on his arms but that wasn't really too peculiar, he was constantly littered with bruises and held little recollection of their cause.

"Matt you awake?" Severide questioned when the nurse entered the room.

Casey was facing away from him and heard a slurred "No…" from beneath the bed covers. Casey had managed become cocooned in their warmth without anyone's assistance, Severide only hoped the position was all right with his damage shoulder.

Severide smiled, "You gonna let the nurse help you bath?"

"No…" he protested, he was alert considering everything that had happened to him, considering all the drugs running through his system, and he didn't want someone giving him a sponge bath.

"You need it Case, really," Severide replied, but Casey just moved away from him, "I can help if you don't want…"

"Kelly…" he groaned, "No."

"Not a sponge bath Case," Severide twigged on, of course Casey was objecting, he thought he was going to be subject to yet another bed bath, if he was on honest Severide didn't understand Casey's objection, it wasn't his fault that he needed help, but Casey still had his pride, still understood what was happening, understood exactly what was happening when he was aware, sometimes Severide thought it was better when he wasn't, when he was surrounded by a haze of drugs, at least then he was oblivious to his inabilities, but that wasn't life, it wasn't life for Casey. Severide reassured him, "An actual bath since you're not bed bound." - since you're capable for the time being -

"An actual bath?"

"Yeah," he nodded, "Sounds good right?" The warm water would soothe Casey's aching body, hopefully relax his pains, and he'd feel much better once he was freshened up and clean because although the nurses had kept him shaved and given him two bed baths, he'd spent the majority of his time stuck on the hospital bed unable to move from medication and pain.

Casey pushed himself up and eyed the nurse that was stood by the end of his bed with a wheelchair. "I can walk," he stated firmly.

"Case the furthest you've walked is to the bathroom and back," he replied but he smiled at Casey's stubbornness showing through despite the seizure, despite the pain, despite the… Casey had probably forgotten how, although he was managing to make it to the bathroom and back, it was a struggle even with the help of the IV pole.

"Feel ok now." He feels ok now because the IV line was giving him a steady drip of pain killers. He'd given him a Lidocaine infusion, it made him sleepy but in spite of Severide's objections it did seem to help, although it was quite early to tell if it would help without the other medications coursing through his system. The infusion decreased both spontaneous nerve activity and the pain signals, it numbed the nerves, numbed the pain.

"You had a seizure earlier," Severide didn't always feel the need to point out when Casey had a seizure, he never pointed out the absent ones, he didn't deem it necessary.

"Feel ok now," Casey repeated. His body ached but it was manageable.

"Ok well take it steady… I know, you always do," Severide smiled as he pushed back the bed covers that had tangled around Casey's slight frame.

"Can I have a jumper?" Casey asked once he was sat on the side the bed.

"To walk to the end of the corridor in?" he questioned, but Casey ask for so little and if he wanted a jumper, wanted to make himself feel less exposed, then Severide would always oblige. Casey hated hospitals, hated doctors; he'd not been fond, save for a certain ER doctor, of hospitals before the accident and now they were associated with pain, confusion, vulnerability and exposure, constantly prodded and poked by people he didn't know, couldn't remember. It was an entirely disorienting experience.

Casey crept along the corridor wall, following Severide at A snails pace, he used the wall and the IV poll to balance himself. Severide was only a foot ahead, he was acting as if nothing was wrong, he knew Casey wouldn't want a fuss, knew the 'new' Casey would ask for help when needed, so he walked ahead of him, just imagining how much his best friend was struggling behind.

"Sev?"

Severide turned around to see Casey leaning heavily on the wall, he went to help but Casey shook his head, that's not what he wanted, he wanted to be walking down the corridor on his own, didn't want to be groping the wall and IV pole for assistance, he didn't understand.

"It'll be all right Case, you'll have some physio like before and it'll be all right," but he was not only convincing Casey, he was convincing himself.

The nurse stood watch as Severide helped Casey in the bathroom. "You need some more meat on your ass Casey," Severide stated when the gown slipped as he helped Casey out of the jumper, ever so careful of his shoulder.

"Kelly…"

Severide shrugged, "The truth." He unfastened the gown and let it fall to the ground exposing him, the bruises from the restraints were a stark contrast to his fair skin, skin that was stretched over bone, and there were other bruises, other marks and signs of his seizures, his lack coordination and balance. When he moved, even slowly, his brain was a moment behind his body, but generally at home he'd adjusted, he knew the layout, would place his hand out just to be sure he wasn't going to hit the frame of a door, trip on the coffee table… His brain had adjusted but he still bumped into things, still fell over, the bruises on his knees were only evident of that.

"You all right getting in?" Severide questioned when Casey hadn't released his grip from the side of the large white tub.

Casey looked away, "Have a hand?" After walking down the hospital corridor he couldn't trust his body, over the last year he'd grown accustomed to it's new, sometimes cumbersome, movements but now it was like starting all over again.

The nurse stepped over, she and Severide helped him into the tub. "Do you want me to go?" Severide asked once Casey was safely in the tub, but he shook his head, didn't want to be left alone with the nurse whose name he couldn't remember. He wouldn't let her touch him, afraid of his own reaction, afraid of the touch. In the end Casey appreciated Severide's gentle hand as he smoothed the wash cloth over his aching body, the heat of the room, the drugs, the lack of cognitive stimulation, all led him to drift away into unawareness before it was over. Severide was glad, he didn't want his friend to remember this, didn't want to embarrassment of being washed by his best friend, his colleague. Severide would never tell anyone, just like he'd never tell anyone of Casey's trips to his room after a nightmare, or if he simply couldn't shut off this thoughts and sleep.

"What you looking at Case?" Severide peered over and looked at the iPad screen later that night, as suspected Casey was slowly flicking through their vacation photos, "We can go back there, I promise. Let's put this away, it needs charging anyway. I'll read to you instead." And so Severide read aloud to Casey until he fell into what he hoped was a painless sleep, the nurse had popped her head through the door but gave no warning about the end of visiting hours. Severide stayed the entire night, his eyes bore into Casey's as if he could prevent anything bad from happening to as long as he stayed by his side.

Mid-morning the next day there was a knock on the door and a few seconds later it opened revealing James, a bright warm smile on his face. "I brought coffee," he said quietly, unsure whether Casey was asleep or simply had his eyes closed.

"Thanks," Severide took the polystyrene cup gratefully, "You didn't need to come."

"Wanted to see how you both were, in person," James replied. He pulled the stool away from Casey's bedside, moved it nearer to the sofa chair that Severide had managed to commandeer, and sat down. "Have they confirmed the CPS?" he questioned once he was seated.

"Yeah."

"We'll manage it Kelly, you'll manage it. Matt will cope," James said positively.

"He always does."

"How is he at the moment?"

Severide smiled, "Awake."

James followed Severide's eyes over to Casey who's eyes had just flickered open, "Hi Matt."

"Hey…" he slurred. Severide was glad of the awareness, he'd been in and out of it during the early hours of the morning, the pain medication hadn't worked, and they couldn't give him any more.

"You in any pain Case?" Severide asked.

"M'all right… tired… we going home?" he asked, pleadingly despite his lethargy. The pain was a constant dull sensation over his entire body, it was sharp or throbbing, but now everything just ached, which could be explained by the seizure.

"Soon, I promise," Severide replied.

"When?"

Severide had expected that question, he knew Casey needed specifics, "I… erm…" - I don't know -

James took over, "You have to wait for the doctor to say you can go home Matt, remember?"

"Yeah…" but James wasn't sure he had really listened to what he'd just said.

He saw how exhausted the two of them looked, Severide had barely been sleeping whilst Casey had been in the hospital, and last night he'd not even gone home and Casey had been kept awake as his body raged in agony. "Matt I'll set up a film on the iPad so you don't have to watch daytime TV. Kelly you need to leave, you need to get some fresh air, go home, take Sam out, get some rest. Matt and I are gonna hang out for the rest of the day, watch some movies, play some cards."

"You don't need to," Severide objected, James knew he would.

"I don't need to but I want to, and you need to get some fresh air," James insisted.

James watched Casey's bright blue eyes follow Severide as he left, the door closed behind him, "He's scared... worried?"

"He's just tired Matt. That's why I've ordered him home," James reassured him as he adjusted the bed and set up the iPad.

"Ok," he accepted easily.

"Do you need anything?"

"Painkillers?"

James nodded and stated, "I'll go see what I can do." But he came back a few minutes later and apologised, no more painkillers just yet. Casey couldn't remember asking for them.

Severide arrived back at the hospital a few hours later, he'd gone home, gone for a run with Sam, pounded the streets for an hour, showered and sat alone in the house which seemed much larger without Casey's presence.

He found James and Casey in the middle of watching a movie, they'd re-watched a few scenes, Casey's attention been waning and confusion had ensued but James simply rewound the movie before frustration grew in Casey's mind.

Severide took James' position, Casey didn't notice the change, didn't notice when the nurse entered until he was given his medications to swallow down with a small cup of water, a glass that Severide helped him hold to his lips.

"When are we going home?" he asked but Severide ignored him, he didn't know the answer, "Sev?

Severide had hoped Casey would just drop the matter but he sat, eyes wide open, fully alert now his attention had left the iPad screen, and expecting an answer, "Ask me later."

"When are…"

"Just quit it Ca… Damnit Matt I'm…"

"I think you should step outside," the nurse advised.

"I'm sorry… sorry…" Casey eyes were still closed, his right hand was frantically hitting his forehead. The nurse tried to stop the repetitive action before his strength grew, before he could hurt himself.

"Matt sweetie, it's all right," she soothed, "Open your eyes for me. That's it, good. You ok?"

"Sorry," he muttered. He was flustered, confused.

"It's all right. Now Kelly doesn't know the answer because the doctor hasn't told him. When he knows the answer he will tell you," but Casey just shook his head, "You will be going home Matt, you're not stuck here."

"Wants to leave me here. Should. Should."

"He doesn't want to leave you here, if that's what he wanted then why would he be here every day, all day, for you?"

"... Ok."

Severide re-entered the room after the nurse left, giving him disapproving look, but how dare she? She didn't know the two of them, she didn't know what Severide had given up for Casey, or that he would give up everything if he could to change what had happened to him. Yes his frustration had gotten the better of him, but wouldn't that happen to anyone?

"I know you want to go home Case," he said gently, "You think we can manage home? I think we could," Severide was thinking out loud, other than keeping an eye on Casey's pain levels, which really he did anyway, there was little else that would change. He knew Casey would be happier at home, more oriented, more aware.

Casey was only aware that Severide was back in the room, his attention had been on his iPad since the nurse had left, "Kelly… Why does it hurt?" - why hadn't the pain gone away? -

"You're in pain now?" Severide questioned, worry obvious in his tone even to Casey, "You need to tell the nurse next time, she was only just in here."

"No. Just aches. I promise I'm ok," Casey replied, childlike. He hated to worry him, and he knew he was, despite the doctors thinking that he didn't have the ability to be empathetic, to think about others and what his actions, or non-actions, did to those around him, that was thinking about consequences wasn't?

"Your shoulder aches? The ligament has torn. It happened when you had seizure," Severide explained.

Casey frowned, "But everything does."

"You'll get better soon, you had another seizure, you know how sore everything is after them," he had intended on telling Casey about the CPS, but it wasn't the right time, how could he tell him that his brain would randomly tell him that he was in pain for no reason? How would he explain that to him? Casey wasn't stupid. He was still intelligent. But he didn't think he'd cope with this news, not yet.

Severide signed Casey out Against Medical Advice that evening. The only reason the hospital wanted to keep him was to monitor him because of the newly found CPS. Severide could do that at home. So they were packed off with a whole box of medical supplies. Severide was under instructions keep track of Casey's pain, he already did that, but he knew the list of dates, times and type of pain would be much longer at Casey's next appointment than ever before. Casey had appointments set up with the physio therapist, the psychologist, even a nutritionist because the hospital stay, the pain, had done a number on his appetite. And much to Casey's dismay he had been given a quad cane to help his balance, Severide would soon realise how pointless it was since Casey would refuse to use and instead use the walls of the house, the furniture, anything but the cane.

He felt entirely unprepared when he helped Casey through the threshold into the house. He'd signed him out AMA on a spur of the moment, he saw how miserable Casey was and there would be little difference between the hospital room and his own bedroom. But he had wanted to install some grab rails, buy a shower seat, the T.E.N.S machine that James had recommended had not been delivered yet, he'd not been food shopping since Casey had been admitted, the place was a mess with the exception of Casey's room that he'd washed and scrubbed down.

"I'm ok," Casey stated when Severide stood back from his bed, having settled him in.

"Case you don't need to keep telling me that you're ok," he smiled.

"I'm sorry… sorry about what happened," Casey was looking at the bedside table, where Severide had left the pill organiser all those days ago.

"You remember why you were in the hospital?"

He shook his head but then stated, "Remember the pills. Was my fault."

"No Matt. I've gone over and over it in my head, it was my fault, I should have been clearer."

"No it was me," he stated firmly.

"What? … Wait do you mean… Matt did you take all those pills on purpose?"

"I don't know."

"Matt?" Severide urged.

"Don't remember. I just took them. I did it."

"Because I told you to," he reminded him. He'd gone over and over that day in his head. Gone over the words he used.

"I don't know. I don't what happened. Not really."

"Ok well let's just forget about, well let's not do it again, let's just leave in the past. You're home now. We're back home and we're moving forwards."


	14. Disappearing

A month had passed by. It hadn't passed by quickly, the weeks were long, the days were long and sometimes even each hour felt like an eternity to Casey. Severide had 'Casey proofed' the house, he'd joked to Casey, as best as he could. All medications were now locked in a large plastic box. There were grab rails in the bathroom and by the steps at the front porch. Casey had a new bed, thanks to the money Herrmann had gathered for their holiday it hadn't been a stretch to get an adjustable bed with their budget, Severide had wanted to get guard rails for it but he knew Casey wouldn't wanted them and Shay had pointed out that Casey so rarely fell out of bed that it was unneeded expense, Severide just wanted to make sure he was as safe as possible, that nothing else would set him back.

Severide and Casey were sat in the doctor's office, Severide was fairly certain Casey would soon drift off, he'd not slept well last night and this was an early appointment that couldn't be rescheduled at such short notice.

Doctor Wright was looking through Casey's pain and symptom diary, although it was Severide and James who kept track of it the best they could, "I see his nocturnal enuresis hasn't improved?"

"His what?" Severide frowned, a little annoyed that he didn't know what the doctor was talking about, he knew Casey's medications and schedule off by heart, how come he'd not heard of this phrase?

"Bedwetting," he replied simply.

"Oh," Severide looked over to Casey, worried the conversation would upset him, embarrass him, but he was in a world of his own looking out of the window to the world outside, "No it hasn't… erm… so is this it? That won't improve?"

"It may, we can't be sure what's causing it, whether it's the pain from the CPS and he doesn't want, or doesn't realise that he needs to get up, the pain could be overriding everything else so he just doesn't realise. Or…"

Severide already knew the other option, "Or it's neurological, damage from the oxygen deprivation."

"You said last time that this never happened before the OD?"

"It happened once, but not like this. He'd had a nightmare and was almost hysterical because he knew what had happened. He doesn't remember it happening now, think it's confusing that me or James are helping him wash and change and getting him back into bed once the sheets have swapped, but he never mentions it when he wakes up a few hour later."

"His short term memory is worse?"

"No," Severide shook his head, he glanced over to Casey who was now dozing quietly in the chair, his Truck 81 cap had slipped, obscuring his face, "His awareness, focus… it's all the meds, not his memory, but… but without them, with a lower dose of sedatives, he's in too much pain too often."

"Is he ever completely free of pain?" the doctor asked.

"He has good hours and bad hours… used to be good and bad days, good and bad weeks," he scoffed, "Now it's hours."

"And the pain is mostly..."

"Burning pain," Severide finished.

"In his hands and feet?" The hands and feet were the most common places for the burning sensation to be experienced in CPS patients.

"All over," Severide supplied, "Then there's, what he describes as flashing pain, in his arms and legs. He still has the migraines on top of everything."

The doctor was looking down at the notebook. "He's not had any grand mal seizures," he noted with a small smile at the positive news, "Just a couple of absences."

"We're in control of the epilepsy," Severide stated, "It's the pain. He's best after he's slept, that is if he's slept, sometimes he's up all night out his mind with confusion because the pain has kept him awake for too long," he rushed, frustrated, "I don't think the Lidocaine infusion did anything. We didn't notice the CPS right away because of the painkillers he was getting after the seizures, can't we give him them again?"

"We can increase the Ibuprofen dosage again but we really don't want to compromise his cognitive function or his memory, and we're at risk of damaging his liver, his kidneys, his heart, especially with the risk to liver that his anticonvulsants have. There are specialists, not just pain management specialists but specifically for CPS, I think it'll be worth going down that road."

"I'm going to assume there isn't one in this hospital?"

"No, there isn't," he replied, "And since there are so few, even though CPS is quite rare, it can be difficult to get an appointment."

"Sounds like it's the only option," Severide sighed, wishing something could just be easy for once.

"I think it's the best option, I'll speak to some of my colleagues, see who they recommend, send over his medical files and try and get an appointment, now if it's the other side of the country…"

"Just do it," he stated, "Will you increase the Ibuprofen dose? I understand the risk, I mean, you guys are already testing his monthly to check for liver failure, would you check more or…"

"We'll keep the daily dosage the same but when he has, let's call them attacks of pain, when he has these, when the T.E.N.S machine does nothing for him, I'm going to prescribe some Codeine, works well with Ibuprofen." The doctor had his concerns about the narcotics; the side effects were no better than overloading Casey with NSAIDS and sedatives and from his research sometimes they didn't even scratch the surface for some patients with CPS. It was all trial and error and he only hoped they would find the right solution for Casey. "I'll give you five and if it works for him I'll write another 'script, and you'd need to get Metamucil with that too."

"Already have some from before the anticonvulsants were changed last year," Severide commented, but he noted it down in the notepad on his lap.

"Ok," he nodded, "Now how did the appointment with the nutritionist go? Helpful at all."

"Informative," Severide replied, "Helpful for Casey? Not so much."

"Yeah, it was requirement by managements new scheme, doesn't take every case into account. You know him better than anyone, better than himself at times, do you think there's anything…"

"Anything short of force feeding him?" he scoffed, "We can't do that, it's a matter of making sure when he's up for eating to try and give him plenty, the high calorie bars, they work better than the shakes, he prefers them, doesn't protest… It's hard… he's disappearing right in front of me no matter what I or anyone else does..."

Casey felt too nauseous to eat half the time and the other half of the time he was so lethargic that Severide almost had to physically help him to eat, even just to take a few bites, drink a carton of Ensure, even just to drink a glass of water. Severide wasn't just worried about the lack of food but dehydration too. Casey's weight had dropped in the last month, he didn't look dangerously thin, but it did make him look ill. The lack of food made him even more tired, and taking his medication on an empty stomach only increased the nausea, it was an endless circle, one that Severide was desperate to break.

The doctor had been scribbling away and handed Severide another prescription, "One of these an hour before he eats."

Severide noted it down in medication section of Casey's organiser, "God… he's swallowing more pills than food."

"This _will_ help," he stated and Severide slotted the prescription into the organiser. He moved on, another important topic to discuss, "Physio's made little improvement?"

"Nothing noticeable," Severide replied, taking a moment to look over to Casey was more, a terrible sadness in his eyes, "He never really liked physio, loved swimming, swimming was fun it wasn't 'physio' and now his shoulder's put him out of action, out of action for months."

"His shoulder will heal," Doctor Wright reassured him.

"Yeah," - but nothing else will - he nearly added.

"He's getting out of bed every day?"

"Yeah, make sure of it," Severide replied, "Sometimes he'll walk around the block with me and Sam, most the time getting to the couch is a big enough task. He tries to downplay it though, he used to cope by doing that, used to tell everyone he was fine when he _really_ wasn't… I don't think he's doing that, no, he's not doing that now, I think he is genuinely coping, think he… think he doesn't realise how bad it is, refuses to use the cane but still ends up groping the walls and furniture… thought he'd be embarrassed… don't think he notices most the time. I think that might be partly due to the drugs."

"Like you said he's not swimming, any other activities?"

"No," Severide shook his head, "Think I worry more than him." They'd been to the park a few times with Sam, nothing disastrous had happened, in fact nothing bad had happened at all. Severide was worried at what another setback would do at this point.

"About what?"

"He struggles to walk up and down stairs, crowds, anything busy, just overloads him, he doesn't think about it, not until something happens," Severide explained. Sometimes Casey would look completely and utterly lost, like he'd been totally unaware but talking and walking and suddenly find himself somewhere, not knowing how he'd got there, not knowing what they were doing. Or he'd be perfectly happy, perfectly 'with it' and then suddenly not want to move, he'd stay so still because movement meant there would be pain. Casey felt a constant ache gnawing at his bones, his flesh, it was difficult for him to explain, there was no cause and sometimes it got worse. He'd be sat on the couch, at the dining room table, playing a game of cards with James, using the iPad, and he'd cry out as his skin burned, or his arms and legs sent painful stabbing shocks firing around his body. It was random. They'd tried to keep track of it as best as they could, wanting to know what medications worked, if anything triggered or worsened the attacks of pain. There was no more joking that it was his - fucked up brain - because when it happened there wasn't anything he could do or say, his world was consumed in the moment.

"And how are you doing?"

Severide looked down at his cast free hand, "Cleared for duty, took an extra week though."

"That's not what I meant."

"I know…" he sighed, "Like I said, I worry about him, probably too much but it's not without reason. We're nearly done?" the doctor nodded. Severide proceeded to gently wake Casey up, he often joked with him that they should add narcolepsy to the growing list of ailments under his name. "Hey sleepy," he smiled when Casey's eyes opened blearily and slowly took in the surroundings.

"Sorry…" Casey muttered when he realised he had no idea what was happening, and he always apologises when he figures he must have done something wrong, and waking up and not knowing what was happening was wrong.

"You should be," Severide teased, "Been waiting hours for you to wake up."

The doctor watches the exchange, expects Casey to take Severide literally, he doesn't, he pins him with a glare and states with some conviction, "No you haven't."

"No we haven't," Severide smiled and looked over to the doctor because this was the part of the appointment where it was Casey's turn to talk.

"How are you doing Matt?" the doctor asked him with a smile.

"Ok," Casey replied simply. This is the reason Severide keeps track of everything, writes down Casey's mood, pain, notes down anything significate; Casey lives in the moment.

"We've been talking about your pain meds," he explained, "I'm giving you something stronger to try, is there anything you want to know?"

Casey looked over to Severide, gained some reassurance, and looked back to his doctor, "It's not stopping." – the pain is always there -

"It won't stop Matt," the doctor saw no point in holding back the truth, Casey understood what was being said, he just struggled to process, struggled to remember at times, "That's why your meds keep changing."

"Remember," Casey nodded.

"Good," he smiled, "Have you got any questions?"

The doctor gets the same response at every appointment, a shake of the head and a questioning "No," because he thinks he should have something to ask.

The next day Severide walked into Casey's room and opened the curtains, the autumn light lit up the room. "Getting out of bed today?" he questioned. Casey had already been up and out of bed a few hours previously, Severide had changed the covers as Casey sat in the armchair and struggled to stay awake before Severide helped him to change and get back under the fresh sheets.

Oblivious to the early morning antics Casey replied, "Yeah," but he didn't move.

"Any time soon?" Severide smiled.

"Yeah just ... nothing hurts right now," he replied. He was half sitting, half lying, legs position upwards ever so slightly, he was perfectly still and content.

"Right now?"

"What if it does when I move?"

"What if?" Severide smiled, Casey wasn't supposed to understand, to think of the what if.

"What if what?" he frowned having lost track of the conversations.

Severide just smiled and repeated, "Getting out of bed today?"

"Yeah... all the way to the couch," Casey muttered.

"No, Shay's coming over, we both need to get new suits," Severide explained, in truth he didn't need a new suit but he knew without even pulling one of Casey's out of his wardrobe that all of them would hang off his slight frame.

"The wedding?"

"Yeah, you gotta look the part," Severide commented.

"I have to go?"

"Thought you wanted to go to the wedding? You are the best man."

"No, no… the… the suits," Casey explained.

"Yeah you need to try some on, Shay will be over soon, we'll get it over and done with as quick as possible," he replied, he'd asked Shay for her help, not exactly for fashion advice but she was good with Casey, and it gave Casey someone to talk to, to interact with. Severide was worried about the wedding, worried about the chaotic atmosphere Casey would feel, even more so now since he was rarely getting out of the house.

Severide helped Casey up, helped him dress, it had become routine, Casey didn't object, didn't mind, he excepted his limitations, excepted help from Severide because he constantly acted like it was completely normal, like it was no big deal, to help a grown man wash, dress, eat… the list went on and on but it was their normal, nothing was odd or untoward when Severide helped to slip on Casey's boxers when he was too dizzy, too weak, or helped wash him when he was too tired, too out of it. It was their normal.


	15. Gone

"You look so handsome Casey," Shay stated as he opened the front door. It was true, and if it weren't for the paleness of his complexion and the way he favoured his right side Shay would never have suspected there was anything 'damaged' about him. "I love the new haircut, you look really smart, and so does Sam."

"Sev took him to the... ah shit... erm..."

"Dog parlour?" Shay tried.

"I guess…" he mumbled, looking at the floor.

"How are you?" she asked. She knows how difficult things are at the moment, she's seen how worried Severide is, heard him on the phone at the firehouse trying to get through to a specialist doctor.

"I'm ok," he replied,. Severide had given him some codeine, he wanted to Casey to enjoy himself as much as he could and that meant being as pain free as possible.

"Casey… can I come in?" she smiled.

"Oh yeah sorry," he moved back, his movements were staggered and slow.

"Oh hi James, didn't realise you were still here," shay smiled when she entered the lounge, Casey followed her, he held on to Sam's balance strap.

"Kelly's just getting ready," James informed her. Not only did James cover Severide's shifts for the last week they'd adopted a new routine, he came for an hour in the morning just to give Severide some reprieve, it had been Shay's idea, she saw how tired he was, in fact the whole firehouse saw how tired Severide was.

"You all ready Matt?" she questioned. Casey didn't reply, he was sat down on the sofa next to James who nodded affirmatively.

"I'll put the bags in the car," James stated as he stood up. The hotel where the reception was being held was less than an hour away from the church but Severide had thought it best to book a room so that Casey had somewhere safe, somewhere his senses wouldn't be overloaded, somewhere he could crash and burn, even if they didn't end up staying over. It gave them the option. There were big bright flashing warning signs when Casey was going to meltdown but pain was different, it came on suddenly, with no cause, and had no quick let up. Planning was essential, Casey needed somewhere he could hide away from all the crowds and noise even if he was lucky enough not to become debilitated with pain.

Severide appeared from his room in a very similar suit to Casey, Shay had teased them in the shop a few weeks ago. Casey had taken no notice. Severide had scowled, saying she was the one who'd chosen them. "You look good Case," he reassured him, "Nearly as good as me, right?" he joked.

"Make this suit look better than you," Casey replied, repeating Shay's comment from a few weeks before.

Severide grinned. Casey's memory wasn't all bad. "Always figured you were vain underneath it all," he scoffed.

Casey frowned. "What?" he looked from Severide to Shay, when had she arrived?

"Never mind Case," Severide replied, a placating smile on his lips.

"All set," James stated when walked back into the house after sorting out the bags.

"Thanks James," Severide smiled.

"Let me know if you need me tomorrow, just send me a message," James replied and turned to Casey, who was still sat down, "All right, let's fasten this jacket, up you get."

Shay watched as James helped Casey up, he fastened the jacket buttons closed over the waistcoat whilst Casey kept a hand on his shoulder for balance.

James stood back and smiled, "Perfect. Have a good time Matt," and he said his goodbyes to Shay and Severide.

The three of them, plus Sam, arrived at the church early before the chaos of finding seats would ensue. They sat at the front. Casey sat by the aisle, Sam tucked under the bench, just as Cruz has said there was nothing he should do except be there for him on his special day.

Casey did look handsome, Shay hadn't been lying, he looked perfect with his finely chiselled cheek bones, his blue eyes highlighted by the silver tint of his grey suit. The autumn sun shone through the stained glass windows. The light reflected in his blond hair. It wasn't often that he was out in public without a hat. His pretty looks were still there even though nothing could hide the fact that he's lost nearly twenty pounds since he'd overdosed. Others would look at him in envy. But they wouldn't know how he suffered. If they concentrated, if they really saw him they would see how his bright eyes were actually tired and dull, they'd see his hands tremble, hear him stutter and slur. See the pain behind his smile. Notice how his perfectly formed pink lips were chapped and bitten. A speck of blood under his nose. The bruises on his knees and arms hidden by his clothes. He was far from perfect but that's all they saw.

The ceremony went well, although Severide detected more than a hint of sadness in Casey's eyes as the vows were exchanged. Marriage. Family. Two things he'd always wanted. Two things he was never likely to get. Casey fell asleep during the short journey to the reception, Severide looked around to see Casey and Sam together on the back seat, he looked peaceful, pain free and he hoped he remained that way for at least a few more hours. Severide was still trying to get an appointment with a CPS specialist, there was one in New York, Casey was on the waiting list but it was a long waiting list, it could be months before Casey got to see the doctor. In the meantime they were just focused on managing the pain as best as they could but the side effects of the codeine were starting to really get to him, the narcotic may help with the crippling pain but the stomach pain, drowsiness and nausea was almost as unbearable, it left him with no appetite and too exhausted to leave his bed most days.

There was a brief respite before the reception, Severide set up their hotel room as Casey slept on the bed, suit jacket off, tie removed, shirt collar and sleeves loosened thanks to Severide's help. When Casey woke he was confused and disorientated but there was no panic or worry, he simply accepted the new location.

Later on Herrmann found Casey sat away from the dancefloor, away from the buffet table. Cruz had organised the seating plan, made sure Casey could be in the action without being overwhelmed by it all. The large round table was empty. Presumably Severide and the others seated there were getting some of the food.

He caught his attention and sat down next to him, "Nice service wasn't it?"

"Yeah," Casey stated, attention held by a thread, he was much more interested in the proceedings ahead of him. There were children playing on the dancefloor, people gathered around the buffet, the lights were bright, they'd not yet been dimmed ready for the evening celebrations, there was a loud chatter of noise; music, people, doors opening and closing.

"You make a good best man Casey," Herrmann spoke clearly, loudly over the sound of their surroundings.

He frowned and questioned, "Didn't do anything stupid did I?" He genuinely doesn't remember but Herrmann takes the question sarcastically. Casey very rarely does sarcastic.

"Is Kelly getting you some food? Think my kids are currently demolishing the buffet table," but Casey didn't reply, too much, too quickly, Herrmann repeated, "Is Kelly getting you some food?"

"I… erm…"

Herrmann tried again, "Are you hungry?"

"Don't want food," he replied. Food makes him nauseous. Food makes him throw up.

"Oh ok," Herrmann frowned.

There was something in Herrmann's expression that made Casey apology.

"What are you sorry for?" Herrmann wondered but Casey just looked away and Herrmann was actually grateful when Severide arrived back at the table, "Right, well better go and battle the buffet table myself, see ya later Lieutenant." He got no response.

"You doing all right Case?" - are you in pain? - Severide questioned as he took the seat Herrmann had just vacated, he'd brought a selection of food in an attempt to coax his friend. Casey didn't reply, Severide wasn't even sure he realised that Herrmann had left. He followed Casey's vision to the children playing happily on the dance floor. He left him to his silent melancholy.

It was soon time for the speeches. Severide kept glancing over to Casey, as he had been, and would do all night. He looked to be paying little attention as to what was going on around him, and that was possibly the case especially with all the drugs in his system, it only made Severide more anxious to get Casey's pain under control without compromising his already impaired cognitive state. Casey didn't laugh along with the others, didn't even notice Severide go up and give a short humorous speech in place of himself, but he stayed awake when Severide had expected he'd just crash.

Casey was stood outside, Sam by his side, he'd felt sick and headachy ever since the speeches had been given, the fresh air helped. He was staring out onto the small secluded garden, the fairy lights and the illuminated fountain were mesmerising but the door opened and caught his attention, he turned, he must have looked shocked because the woman who'd almost staggered out onto the patio apologised although he had no idea why.

She gathered herself and stated, "You don't have a drink."

"No," he thought the comment was odd, it was obvious that he didn't have a drink.

"Do you want to go get one?" If Casey had been in his right mind he would have laughed at her forwardness, but he wasn't, he didn't think she could possibly be flirting with him, didn't think she was moving too quickly, didn't think she was desperate, he just saw a pretty woman asking if he wanted a drink.

"Can't," he replied simply.

"Designated driver?" she smiled.

"No," his licence had been stripped from him just as his freedom had.

"Oh all right," she wasn't put off, "Bride or groom?"

"I'm the best man," he explained proudly.

"Groom then," she nodded, "Wasn't at the ceremony, I'm an old school friend of Holly's. Name's Claire."

Casey just shuffled on his feet.

"Yours?"

"What?" he frowned, annoyed he didn't know what the stranger in front of him was talking about.

She smiled, "Never mind. He's lovely," she added as she looked down at Sam.

"Yeah."

She reached down to pet Sam but stopped when she noticed the harness, "Oh sorry not supposed to pet service dogs right?"

"His name's Sam," he stated.

Unknown to him Severide was stood by the door, looking through the glass panels out onto the patio, Casey looked ever so charming with his crisp white sleeves loosened, the fitted silver grey waistcoat, his somewhat bewildered expression and flowing hair, he was leaning heavily against the stone wall without a shadow of self-awareness, no idea of his impact on others.

Severide didn't want to pull him away, didn't want to interrupt him but he could see him faltering, see him burning out. He received no objection when he walked up to Casey and suggested he went up to their room. He was careful to disguise the assistance he gave Casey in front of the woman he'd been chatting to as he led Casey away.

Casey hadn't said a word since Severide had taken him up their room; he'd happily drank the Ensure carton and swallowed his pills with a few sips of water. The silence wasn't unusual, the compliancy wasn't unusual, but there was a contemplative look on Casey's tired face that Severide rarely saw. "What are you thinking?"

"Everyone's talking about the future," he's referring to the speeches.

"Yeah wedding's bring out all those classic speeches..." Severide frowned in realisation, "You have a future Casey."

"Not my future, not my plan," he muttered.

"Plans change. Plans sometimes have to change. We can't plan for everything."

"What's my future? It's not this. Not a wedding. Not a family."

"The future's anything you want it to be Matty, you'll have a family and kids of your own one day," but even as he spoke the words he didn't believe them. Casey could barely look after himself, barely hold a conversation with a stranger on a good day, how would he even meet someone, how would he even cope? He wouldn't, he was damaged goods, destined to be on his own. Severide knew it could never happen so why had he said those words? He wish he hadn't and hoped the subject never came up again but in his heart he knew it would; Casey had always wanted a family, always wanted children. He opted to change the subject, "Get some sleep. I'll stay with you."

"No. I'm ok," Casey stated.

"You're ok?" Severide questioned, "You're not in pain?" It was well into the evening of a long and busy day, to say that Severide was shocked at Casey's tolerance was an understatement, but his senses had been dulled by all his medications and the day was going by in a whirl.

"Mmno…"

Severide frowned, took Casey's chin and looked into eyes, "You got that warm fuzzy feeling, yeah?"

"Uh huh…" a hint of a sloppy smile traced his lips.

Severide was still frowning, but this time with concern rather than curiosity, "Casey…"

"Yeah?"

"You don't need to worry the future ok? I'll be with you whatever happens. I promise."

"What y'talkin' 'bout?" he slurred tiredly.

"Nothing important."

There was a knock at the door. Cruz had taken the time to come up and make sure Casey was all right, to say thank you to them once again.

"He's fine Cruz," Severide assured him, "Just needed a little break. Go back downstairs and enjoy your wedding night."

"We going back downstairs too?" Casey asked as Severide closed the door.

"You don't need to sleep?"

"No."

Shay was pleased to see Severide and Casey re-join the celebrations, although Casey didn't exactly re-join the celebrations, he seemed content to sit by the edge and as always watched life go on around him at an almost astonishing speed. An inordinate amount of people had been greeting him all day, all night, Casey didn't recognise most, couldn't recall their names, didn't bother to acknowledge most of them. He received looks of pity, looks of curiosity, even looks horror at what had happened to this previously independent and strong man. Fortunately Casey wasn't fazed, was too out of it to take much notice.

Casey watched Severide flit about the room, it was dizzying, he was chatting, flirting, even dancing at one point. He watched Herrmann dancing with his second youngest. He saw Otis fail hopelessly in an attempt to chat with anyone of the opposite sex. He watched Dawson kissing a man he didn't recognise. He didn't think to tell Severide, didn't think to walk up to him and say that he'd had enough, he was exhausted and could feel the beginnings of dull pain erupting in his arms and legs. He stood up with Sam's help and traced his hands along the backs of chairs as he exited the room.

Severide picked up another drink from the bar and turned around to find Casey's seat empty, he stood and stared through the gap in the dancefloor but could not see him, "Where's Casey?"

Shay turned away from the bar, "He's still sat over… Oh…"

"Yeah… Oh," Severide replied dryly, "Stay here and look out for him won't you? I'll go see if he's gone back to the room." Although he doubted Casey knew where that was. "Damnit, I should have stayed with him…"

"Kelly you have your own life," she tried to negate his guilt but Severide had left before she finished her sentence.

Severide needn't have worried. He found Casey sat against the wall just outside the hall, his right hand was mechanically patting Sam's back like he was his lifeline, he couldn't stop the repetitive movements, it was comforting, soothing.

"What are you doing Matty?" Severide asked gently, not wanting to startle him.

"Didn't know where to go…" he muttered. Now Severide was close he could see the dry tear tracks on his face.

"Let's go up to the room."

"Can't," Casey couldn't get up from the floor never mind walk to the elevator and down the corridor to their room.

"Why do you think I'm here? To help."

They made it up to the room, receiving a glance of disgust from an elderly couple waiting by the elevator as Casey clung to Severide's body for support. Severide undressed him and helped him into bed with well-practiced ease.

"Feel all right?" he asked as he pulled the covers up over Casey's weary form.

"It's all gone Kel," Casey muttered as his eyes closed, "Everything's gone."


	16. Winter

Casey was screaming in pain. There was no let up. The bed was soaked with sweat and other bodily fluids. Severide could do nothing but watch. He'd managed to force down some pills but Casey had only thrown them back up. Casey was trembling, shaking in pain. His drenched shirt had ridden up just enough to see the soft expanse of pale skin between his navel and hips where his pants hung loose, only clinging to juts of bone. Agony was all he knew, it was the past, present and future, Casey couldn't think beyond it.

Severide wouldn't have been surprised if any of the neighbours could hear and had called the cops. Nothing he did was helping, it was a waiting game but Casey hadn't been this bad since they'd been given him the stronger painkillers. Casey was depending on codeine to get through the days now. Weeks had passed since the wedding, since the OD, months had passed by since Florida, it had nearly been two years since the fateful night where Casey had been injured, damaged beyond repair. The codeine wasn't working. He was taking pill and after pill but the effects had faded. He needed something stronger. The only good news was that Casey's appointment with the CPS specialist was fast approaching.

Enough was enough. Casey's agony had not ceased, he was whimpering now, crying out tiredly, his throat was raw from the sick and the screams. There were tears falling heavily down Casey's face, mucus and bloody saliva mixed with vomit on the sheets. His heart was racing. He couldn't bear to be touched. Severide couldn't take it anymore, couldn't bear to watch him. Nothing was working. Nothing was soothing Casey's pain.

"Matty we need to get to the car ok? Just bear with me, I'm going to make everything better."

He didn't change Casey's soiled clothes, dignity could wait. He struggled to help Casey to the car. It wasn't that he was heavy, in fact he was too light, it was how he kept curling in on himself trying to stem the agony that was shooting around his body. Sam had followed obediently and jumped into the car after Severide managed to help Casey in, he didn't bother with the seatbelt.

Severide burst into the ER, decorated crudely with Halloween themed banners and signs, and called out, "I need some help!"

There was a flurry of movement and suddenly Severide was following Casey on the gurney from the car to the ER.

"What happened?" someone questioned, it was an ER intern.

"He needs painkillers, something stronger than his T3's," Severide explained, "He has CPS, threw up the pills."

"What's his name?" the intern asked.

"It's Matt," Severide hurried, "He just needs some…"

"Let me decide what he needs."

"He needs something stronger than…"

"Matt can you tell me where it hurts?" the man started to question Casey who was no curled up on the bed attempting to lessen the short sharp stabs of pain that wracked his body.

"He can't, he can't tell you anything until the pain is gone," Severide explained, getting more and more frustrated by the second.

"Sir we can't just…

"Kelly?" it was Kendra.

"It's Matt," he stated as she walked over. "The codeine didn't work, I tried to give him some more but…"

"Ok Kelly, we'll sort this." she turned to face the intern, "Have you given him anything?"

"No, I…"

Kendra looked back to Severide, "Kelly do any of his meds interact with morphine?"

"No. He's been given it before," he replied quickly.

"Ok, give him five of morphine, get me an O2 monitor and hook him up to fluids," she ordered before explaining to Severide, "We'll increase the morphine incrementally until he's comfortable as long..."

"As long he can still breathe on his own," Severide finished in layman's terms.

"Yeah..." she sighed, "Sorry it took so long to sort."

"Just glad you appeared when you did," he commented as Casey began to relax a little now the morphine had entered his system.

They moved him to a small room and gave him some more morphine. Severide stuck by his side. Kendra was called away but came back to check on him a short while later, his blood pressure and oxygen intake was low, but it was to be expected. "Kelly," she indicated to the door.

"I'm staying, I'll help, he needs me," Severide stated, eyes not leaving Casey.

"You need to get cleaned up to," she said gently, coercively, "He'll be all right for a few minutes. Let's get you a coffee at least." She persuaded him into the staff room, provided him with a fresh top, passed him a fresh mug of coffee and began, "You know…"

"Please don't be the tenth-thousandth person to mention long term living facilities…" he sighed, "Won't lie, I have thought about it, more than I'd like to admit, especially now but… but then he has a good day, a good few hours, with me, with Shay… in his own home. I'm not taking that away from him."

"Was just gonna say you know you're doing a good job, right? I didn't realise how bad it was. I'm sorry."

"Yeah… so am I," he replied glumly, "Well thanks for the coffee, and the shirt, gonna go sit with him."

"All right," she placed a hand on his shoulder, "I'm gonna page his doctor, he's normally in just before rounds, but I want him to check in with you before you go home, Matt needs to stay for a few more hours at least."

Back in the small room that Casey had been moved to so that he wasn't surrounded by the often chaotic atmosphere of the ER, Sam lying alongside him, Severide was sat next to him watching the mist disappear and reappear on the inside of the rebreather mask. He wanted to tell him that everything would be all right but he didn't even believe that himself anymore, hadn't for a while, so he just sat by his side, didn't even call Shay, dropped James a message telling him not to bother coming tomorrow. Tomorrow. It was already 4am. At least he wasn't on shift, at least Casey had no appointments.

An anguished moan escaped Casey's lips, "Ha…"

"Matt?" Severide leant forwards to understand what Casey was saying, if he was saying anything at all.

He heard it clearly this time and his heart sank, "Hals…"

"It's me Case, it's Kelly," he tried but Casey couldn't hear him, to wrapped up in a haze of drugs.

"… sorry… ple… me… mm… sorry…" Severide only caught mutterings.

"Matty…" he tried but Casey was still far away from his dismal reality.

"… you too… soon…" the murmurings were calm now after their initial grief stricken tone.

"Matty please… It's me, it's Kelly, you're in the…" but he trailed off and sat back. Casey wasn't distressed, wasn't in pain, he stood up and left the room, he didn't feel right listening into Casey's one-sided conversation.

Severide jolted awake to the sound of his own name, Kendra was stood over him, he'd managed to sprawl himself across the three chairs outside of Casey's room, "Matt's awake."

He scrambled upright, his neck ached, "He's ok?"

"Little confused, bit nauseous but not in pain," Kendra supplied, "Doctor Wright is going to speak to you when he gets in."

Casey was sat upright in the hospital bed, an attempt further his awareness of his surroundings but he already looked like he'd drift back off to sleep at any moment, an empty emesis basin by his hand, some of the colour had returned to his skin, his eyes were red rimmed, darkened, almost bruised around the edges, barely open but looking down at Sam nonetheless.

"Hey you," Severide greeted him with a smile.

"Wha… d'I do…?" he slurred, half lidded eyes now focused on Severide, "Said was hosp…" Casey was completely unaware his speech was failing him, just as he was unaware why he was in the hospital.

"You didn't do anything Casey, it's never your fault, wish you'd remember that."

"Sor… shitfor… brains…"

"Nah that's me not you," Severide replied as he sat down and before Casey had a chance to ask what had happened Severide continued, "We had an early morning trip to the ER, painkillers weren't doing anything for you but we'll get that sorted so it doesn't happen again."

And they did get it sorted. They had a new plan. New prescriptions. Stronger drugs. Kadian and intramuscular morphine for emergencies, for those times that Casey couldn't even swallow the pills. Casey was lost in a haze of nausea and exhaustion when Doctor Wright spoke to Severide, barely aware when Severide helped him change out of the hospital gown and into a set of scrubs that Kendra had provided.

"I'll just grab a wheelchair and we'll get you home," Severide smiled.

Casey mumbled, "Why?"

"Why?" Severide repeated.

"End up here." He'd only end up right back here, something else would happen, anything could happen, and he'd wake up confused, out of his mind on drugs with no knowledge as to why.

"No Case, we're seeing that doctor in New York, he deals with… with this all the time," Severide had still neglected to tell Casey why he there was so much so often, he helped Casey sit up over the side of the bed and changed the conversation as he often did, "You look good in scrubs."

Severide helped Casey through the threshold of the house as he held on to Sam, "Bed?"

"No. Couch," Severide replied, he could only imagine the state they'd left Casey's bed in during the early hours of the morning so Severide set about cleaning up whilst Sam and Casey sprawled on the sofa, Severide was happy to find him lying on his front and looking at iPad screen once he was done in the bedroom, "Florida?" he assumed.

"Uh huh," Casey's attention barely left the screen. Progress. He'd not become distracted by Severide's presence, didn't lose his focus when Severide sat in front of him on the coffee table and asked to join him in looking at happier memories, happier times.

A few weeks passed by, Halloween disappeared in the blink of an eye, it was one week until Severide and Casey would be flying out to New York, a trip that Severide was an awful lot more worried about than Casey who kept forgetting about the trip entirely and was less than impressed at the prospect every time he was reminded.

Severide was greeted by a usual sight when he arrived home after his shift had ended, James was unloading Casey's bedding from the washing machine, a task that was performed on most days and Casey was sat upright in bed, covered in a fresh sheet, the TV on the wall racket was on.

"Breakfast in bed?" Severide questioned lightly when saw the half eaten plate of scrambled egg on toast on the bed tray. Today was a good day, mornings were always Casey's best point of the day, it wasn't until he started to move that his body began the ache and his senses weren't dulled by drugs.

"Morning," Casey looked up and smiled so genuinely that Severide couldn't help but smile back.

"You sleep ok?"

"Did you?"

"Ah deflecting are we?" But Casey ignored him, his attention was back on the TV screen. "Matt, eat your breakfast," Severide motioned to the tray.

Casey frowned and was completely surprised to find half a plate of food in front of him, "Sorry…"

Severide gave up telling Casey to quit apologising a long time ago so he just left him to his breakfast and spoke to James. "It's not getting any better is it?" Severide questioned, his eyes on the tumble dryer.

"It's not so frequent anymore," James assured him, and really Severide knew this but the fact that it happened at all was disheartening, he only hoped that Casey would remain ignorant.

"Yeah… guess not," he sighed and poured himself a mug of coffee.

"How was work?" James asked at Severide's subdued demeanour.

Severide sighed, "Some day's it would be nice to talk to Casey about it, I mean we never used to talk about it that much but we knew… Now there's no way I'm gonna burden him stuff that happens on shift."

"He didn't need any painkillers last night," James said to lighten Severide's mood.

"Maybe he'll make it through today without them," he said positively, although he knew it wouldn't happen, knew by the end of the Casey would have asked for painkillers, anything to dull the ache the spread around his body and turned into the burning sensation that could only be numbed by narcotics.

"Maybe."

"The aquarium should be quiet today," Severide commented thoughtfully.

"It should," James nodded, "He does like it there."

"And he's not been for a while," he replied.

"Take him Kelly."

Severide collected Casey's empty breakfast tray once James had left. He was washing up when he heard Casey exit his bedroom, he couldn't see him, couldn't see him struggling and tracing the furniture with his hands to stop himself from bumping into anything because his brain registers his surroundings too slowly, because his centre of gravity is off balance. Casey didn't know he could hear him and was startled when Severide announced loudly, sternly, "You have that cane for a reason Matt."

"S'for old people."

"Yeah old people and people who have a fucked up brain," Severide informed him lightly.

A few minutes later and Casey was leaning against the kitchen wall. "Think I can get around my own house," he stated stubbornly just before he had to reach out blindly and weakly grab Severide's arm.

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

Severide scoffed, he couldn't help but laugh, "Always too stubborn."

They sat on the couch together, Sam took up most of the space, sprawled out over the end of the sofa, his head on Casey's thigh. Severide had sat down first and watched Casey slowly but surely make it over to him unaided, he really was too stubborn at times. Severide didn't switch on the TV, didn't pass Casey the iPad, he wanted his attention, wanted him to focus.

"Chief Boden got sent a photo, thought you might like to see it?" he didn't wait for a reply before pulling the picture up on his phone and passing it to Casey.

"Who's that?"

"That's the baby girl you saved, this is from her second birthday party a couple of months ago," Severide explained. The baby girl's mother had also written another note with the photo but Severide didn't feel it was necessary to share the woman's thanks once again with Casey, the picture was enough.

Casey's eyes remained on the small screen, "She's growing up."

"Yeah," Severide smiled, "Yeah she is. She's alive because of you. That's a special thing you did. Risked your life for hers."

"Gave my life for hers," he muttered.

"Yeah, yeah you did," Severide replied, sadness traced his voice.

"Don't regret it."

"You always thought so little of yourself, always took everything the hardest, always were the strongest. Still are the strongest," but Casey couldn't read into what was being said.

Casey grinned, it was youthful, childlike, "Nah doesn't sound me. Not strong. What do you always say? A gust of wind would knock me over."

He changed the subject, "Casey how about we go out today? Not to the hospital I promise."

"Don't know."

"I had a… had not so pleasant shift," Severide admitted, "I'd like to go out with my best friend, have some fun, thought we could go to the aquarium? Or is there anywhere you want to go?"

"Don't know," then his nonplussed expression turned into a frown, "What happened? Someone died?"

"Yeah," Severide replied.

"Sure you did everything you could," because Casey was still empathic, still understanding, still thoughtful, in the right moments, the moments where his senses weren't dulled.

"Aquarium Case?"

"Ok."

Their short flight to New York happened in a blur for Casey who'd woken up in the early hours of the morning before their trip, his whole body burning in pain, he'd managed to swallow some painkillers, Severide tried to distract him with funny cat videos, with their Florida photos, tried to distract him with Sam, tried to cheer him up with stories and tales from their past but Casey knew nothing apart from the pain that burned at every fibre of his body, the fifteen minutes it took for the pills to work may as well have been a lifetime. And now his head was so dazed by drugs that he didn't recognise that he was now lying in a hotel bed miles away from home, but Severide reasoned it was that or allowing the agonising pain to continue.

Casey's awareness came back to him slowly but he was so lethargic, so withdrawn and compliant that he simply allowed Severide to help him into the taxi, to help him to the hospital and into a wheelchair because the doctor they were going to see was up on the fifth floor and Casey could barely stand upright never mind put one leg in front of the other.

Looking at Casey in the waiting room Severide felt pangs of regret at traveling him, at giving him all the pills that turned his life into a dulled blur. He could only hope that something could be done, that this trip would be a success and they could manage Casey's pain much more effectively and without the horrid side effects he was experiencing.

Severide and Casey, Sam by his side, exited the doctor's office after their long appointment, Severide felt relieved, Casey just wanted to get home, didn't even realise they weren't in Chicago. The appointment had been a success. The specialist had suggested a slightly different approach for pain management, an intrathecal pump implant, a more efficient approach that was guaranteed to lessen the side effects of pain relief but the doctor had informed Severide that sometimes even though in theory the idea seemed flawless that because of the nature of the body, the trickiness of brain injuries, that it didn't always make a difference to everyone but he believed it was worth a try. The pump required at least a seven day trial period and if it were successful Casey would go under general anaesthetic and receive a permanent one, Severide mentioned his concerns about putting Casey under, it held a high risk, he'd opted out of having Casey's shoulder surgically repaired, limiting his mobility even further, because of that risk. The doctor explained that the risks would be outweighed by the benefits, explained that the risk would be less if he were to gain some weight, Severide doubted they'd manage that but in the end opted for the trial and since they would only be in New York for another two days the procedure had been scheduled for early the next morning.

The next day Casey lay on his right hand side, the pale skin of his back exposed, white hospital gown slipped over his shoulders, Severide was facing him, eye level, already holding his hand. Sam had to be left in the hotel since he would not be allowed in the procedure room and there would be no one to hold him as Severide wanted to be by Casey's side.

"Kelly?" Casey questioned softly, fully aware after a good night of sleep, "If something happens I don't think I want to wake up."

"Nothing's gonna happen Casey, it's a really simple..." a flash of concern washed over his face, "Do you want something to happen?"

"Everything to stop."

"This should help so much with the pain Matt, and reduce the side effects," he reassured him, he'd explained the pump to him a few times since the appointment the previous day, worried that the information hadn't sunk in.

"No everything," Casey stated clearly, precisely.

"Matt..."

"Don't want anyone to save me. Want a DNR."

"No Matt... No you don't want that," Severide was shaking his head, looking Casey directly in the eyes, "You know when it's winter and the snow is so deep and the wind is so cold that it feels like it will never be summer again? That the warmth will never come back? Well this is a bit like that, we just have to get through it and get to the other side."

"Winter happens every year."

"So does summer," Severide tried, "You don't want a DNR order Casey, I know you don't, not really."

"Don't wanna tube down my throat again. You're in control. Please…"

Severide sighed, looked away, tears itching at the corner of his eyes, "Ok. But promise me you'll change your mind if this works?"

Casey was bewildered all of a sudden, frowning, "What? Sorry... what are you talking about?"

"Nothing important," Severide stated just the doctor walked in, followed by a nurse.

"We're all set Matt, you just need to tuck your knees and head in as best as you can," the man announced.

Casey cried silently at the pain of the needle that numbed his back, Severide gripped his hand but as the catheter was thread into Casey's spine Severide couldn't but think this was all being done against his will, Severide kept telling himself that he had Casey's best interest in mind but did he? Was putting Casey through this, putting him through surgery really going to change his quality of life? Even if it helped manage the pain what life did Casey have?

"All done Matt, it's all over now," but Severide didn't even believe the words he spoke.

There were tear tracks on Casey's face.


	17. Help

Exhaustion. Pain. Nausea. Pain. Exhaustion.   
  
Casey's intrathecal pump was working to an extent but so far his quality of life had not improved. He was taking less oral painkillers but he still needed them and he shouldn't need them at all with the pump, but it was a trial, it may be adjustable. He was still exhausted. Just getting out of bed was physically and mentally draining. He'd not joined James at the grocery store for months. He'd not seen anyone from 51 besides Shay since the wedding. He had become isolated but not through choice. It wasn't just the painkillers that had been causing his nausea, it was the combination of his pills, resulting in his continued loss of appetite. He spent most of his time either on the couch or in his bed, the bed was his preference since he could reposition himself with the large buttoned controller without moving too much because in his mind moving equalled agonising pain because he'd been in pain for months since his OD. He'd stopped his physio sessions despite being warned that his shoulder may never heal correctly without them. He was constantly downhearted. Depressed. But that was not a surprise, he had so little capability left to do anything and what he did have was overshadowed by the constant threat of seizures, the inability to articulate or an onslaught of pain. Bad memories stuck with him most; the good ones seemed lost to him now. Severide only wished that the good memories, the good days, the good moments, would stick with him because perhaps he'd have something to look forward to, more good times but Casey thought so little of the future, the future was hospital appointments, the daily struggle to move. Seclusion. Pain. Confusion. Illness. The future would never be anything else. For him the future would nor could be anything else but a struggle to get through the days and just survive.

Severide woke up to a clatter of metal, it came from the kitchen, it took a lot of effort to drag himself out of his cosy bed and room to discover what the noise was, Sam wasn't barking, wasn't alerting him to anything so he wasn't too worried. He squinted at the bright lights as he entered the kitchen. "What are you doing Casey?" he questioned gruffly.

There were several pots and pans at Casey's feet, "Erm…"

"Couldn't sleep?"

"Woke up," he stated simply.

"Ok," Severide replied tiredly, sleep still hung over him, "What are you doing?"

"For Shay…" he looked over the large whiteboard that listed dates and appointments for the oncoming week. It was Shay's birthday in two days, they were hosting a small get-together before most would go out drinking and partying until the early hours of the morning.

Severide looked at the broken egg shell on the floor by one the metal pans, its contents had spread across the tiles. "You want to make cake? Casey I'm sorry… it's not even 5am, I'm exhausted, let's go back to bed for a few hours ok?" But Casey just stood there holding onto the kitchen counter for support, Severide figured he'd woken up because of a nightmare. "Sleep in my bed?" he offered an arm and guided Casey to his room, "I promise we can make… attempt to make birthday cake at a more reasonable hour."

As promised later that morning Severide helped Casey in the kitchen, the cake was in the oven, the butter icing was in the fridge, there was flower on the floor, sugar on the worktop, butter on one of Sam's ears and one smashed bowl in the trash. Before the cake was put into the oven Casey had to sit down, everything was starting to ache and it had been dizzying work.

Severide joined him on sofa once he'd cleaned up the kitchen, Sam's' ear and the trail of flour that ran from the kitchen floor to the sofa. He looked down at the pump in Casey's pocket and the thin tubing that trailed up through his jumper, "The catheter doesn't hurt, does it?"

"Erm…" he looked at the pump, "Forget."

"You forget it's there?" Severide questioned, Casey nodded, "Good." It had been two days since they'd arrived back from New York. Other than a little hassle getting through security, two nosebleeds and an absent seizure the journey home had gone as well as it could. It was hard for Severide to notice a difference with the pump but Casey had only asked for extra painkillers a few times and he'd not thrown up since they'd arrived home, but he did still feel nauseous, so that was small improvement. The pump released a regular small dose of morphine directly to the spinal cord and nerves to relieve Casey's pain since it had no source, it was his damaged central nervous system sending incorrect signals around his body.

"It's working?"

"I think it's helping," Severide replied, "You gotta tell me when something hurts though, even if it's 'just' a headache ok?"

"Ok."

Severide sank down into the couch, exhausted after the early start, he'd struggled to fall back to sleep. "Should really make sure that cake's not burning…" he commented.

"What cake?"

"The cake in the oven," he replied, "For Shay."

"I'll check it's not burning," Casey replied eagerly. Eager was good, Severide hadn't seen that for some time.

"Be burnt by the time you get there," Severide teased as Casey slowly made his way to the kitchen. Casey disappeared into the kitchen. "How's it doing?" Severide called but the answer he received sent a shock down his spine. There was a clatter and a bang. Casey cried out in pain. Severide shot up and was by Casey's side in no time at all. He quickly took in the scene before him.

Casey was stood clutching his wrist, the palm of his hand reddening. He'd neglected to use the oven gloves.

"Damnit Casey!" the words left Severide's lips before he could stop them, he wasn't angry with Casey, he was simply angry that it had happened, upset that Casey had gotten hurt.

Casey baulked at the words, tried to turn away. Severide thought for a moment that he'd storm out the front door but of course Casey's legs didn't obey his command. He fell. He didn't brace the fall with his hands. Cried out when his shoulder hit the floor.

Severide was by his side immediately. "Matt, Matt it's all right, I'm sorry, I'm not angry, please calm down," he managed to manhandle him over to the sink, turned the faucet on and held Casey's hand under the cold water.

Casey was still breathing quickly, tears were falling, tears Casey didn't want to fall, he hated this, he hated how his emotions got the better of him, he had no control no matter how much they tried to talk through and use different techniques in his therapy session, he just couldn't hold back.

"I'm sorry… I'm…"

"Shh… Matt, I'm the one who should be apologising," he should have got up and checked the cake, but Casey was so willing and he was hardly ever willing to leave his room nowadays. "Does it hurt much?" Casey shook his head. "Good. I'm gonna wrap it up, and I'll pick up a cake from the store, don't worry. I'm just glad you didn't get out the front door," he smiled remembering how Casey managed to walk all the way to the firehouse almost a year ago, didn't want to be at home and hadn't known where else to go. Severide had been so relieved when received a phone call from third watch telling him that Casey had just wondered in looking for him. He'd made sure to lock the front door after that, it hadn't been the first time Casey's instinct had led him out the door, had led him to run.

Casey's hand was still wrapped in a neat white bandage when Shay's birthday get-together took place. It was only a small gathering, just a few from the firehouse, the main event would take place afterwards but Shay had wanted to involve Casey, especially since he'd wanted to celebrate her birthday, and the others hadn't seen him since the wedding and how different he looked now. Casey was sat on the couch with Sam, a well worn CFD hoody hanging off his slight frame, darks circles under his eyes making it look like he'd not slept for weeks when he had actually slept for most of the day, it was just that his sleep was not always peaceful.

Herrmann and Cindy turned up with some food, Cruz and Holly turned up with a birthday cake after receiving a frantic call from Severide who'd not had chance to buy one, Otis and Tony brought some alcohol, Capp brought Casey another puzzle, one his mom had finished with, and Dawson neglected to show and for that Severide was actually grateful.

"Happy birthday," Casey smiled when Shay arrived. She joined him on the sofa, he'd been sat there most of the day, he'd stayed seated when their guests arrived, he just couldn't face moving today, Severide wondered if he was trying to hide his worsened mobility but Casey thought little of anyone else, of their opinions about himself, he simply didn't want to move.

"Thank you Matt and thank you for this," she glanced around the lounge dining area, "I love the balloons."

"The balloons…" he repeated, thinking, "James." He had sat and watched James decorate the house the night before.

"Do you want a drink? I'm gonna grab a beer," it didn't occur to Casey that he should have been the one asking if his guests wanted a drink.

"A beer," he smiled sloppily.

Casey's smile was infectious, "Nice try."

He grinned, "Sev says I'm drunk enough on meds."

She looked down at the pump in his pocket, "That doesn't get in the way of anything does it?"

He followed her eyes, shook his head, "No." He doesn't recall how it had tugged at his skin when it fell out of his pocket, or how the tube had caught on the door handle once, doesn't remember.

Soon Casey was offered birthday cake, unsurprisingly, to Severide and Shay at least, he refused and later Severide smiled to himself when he realised Casey had fallen asleep on the sofa, Sam, ever vigilant, was right by his side ignoring everyone else in the room but Casey. Severide felt someone approach him from behind.

"How is he? He looks…" Herrmann trailed off.

Severide kept his eyes on Casey, "He's fine. This is normal, you know he sleeps most…"

"He must have lost more than twenty pounds since I last saw him…" Herrmann frowned when he noticed the thin tubing creeping out of Casey's pocket, "What's that?"

"Oh it's just a new way of giving him painkillers," he explained quickly, only James and Shay knew about the CPS, Casey wouldn't want his life, what little life it was, spread around and used as gossip.

"He's in a lot of pain? Headaches?"

"Yeah something like that…" he muttered, "Want another beer?"

The gathering carried on around Casey. He woke confused and disorientated at the chaos that surrounded him, he got up, stumbled and clumsily made his way over to the safest, most harmless person he could see.

"Hallie?" Casey questioned. The whole room saw.

She turned around and smiled. "It's Holly, but don't worry about it Matt…" she added quickly.

"Oh… I… I… er…" he tried to back away but was stopped by one of the dining chairs.

Shay rushed over, "All right Matt?"

"Erm…"

"Let's go sit down." - Let's not make a big scene -

"I'm sorry… I didn't…"

"It's all right," Shay tried to console him as they sat down, "They have the same colour hair right?"

"But I… but I saw her…"

"Matt… it was just Holly," she explained.

Casey's eyes scrunched up as he put a hand to his forehand. Severide had joined the two of them now, he was kneeling down in front of Casey but he let Shay continue, didn't want to overwhelm Casey, didn't want his attention divided between the two of them.

"Matt…" Shay tried to move his arm but he jerked away from her touch, "Do you want to lie down? Is your head hurting?"

The entire party witnessed the exchange, there were mixed looks of pity and concern as Severide led Casey away.

Casey lay on his side, Sam's head was over his leg, his eyes were open, he could hear the exchange taking place outside of his room. Severide and Shay's worried tones, Herrmann's concerned voice, they were all talking about him, all suggesting that they ended their small party and left. It was all his fault.

"Will you come out later Kelly?" Shay was asking.

"Erm… no," he replied, "I'll let James know that plans have changed. Gonna stay with Casey."

Casey fell asleep listening to the others making plans and woke to a warm wetness between his legs. Mortified he pushed the sheets back, disturbing Sam and bringing Casey's panic to his attention. Casey breaths quickened as he stared down at the dark patch on the sheets, on his pants. He struggled to pull them down, to get rid of the evidence. He stumbled out of the bed, he wanted to get rid of the soiled sheets but his movements, his hands, were failing him.

"Casey?" Severide stepped into his room after hearing the frantic movements from within, "What's… oh… it's all right, it happens," Severide soothed.

"No… no it doesn't. It doesn't happen. It doesn't…"

"Shh… it's all right, honestly it's absolutely fine, you don't need to…"

But Casey was backing away from the bed, he hit the wall with a cry of pain and collapsed down onto the floor but there weren't any tears, no more cries of pain, his breath was slow and steady, he was staring into nothing, for a moment Severide thought he was having an absent seizure but he wasn't, he was just numb, inside and out. He felt nothing.

"I don't want this," he forced every word, wanted to be understood, wanted Severide to understand.

Severide knelt down in front of him, "This?" But deep down he knew, he didn't need Casey to reply, it was just that part of him hoped it would never come down to this, in his head and heart he knew that Casey had come to the end of his road, he'd had enough now.

"Any of this," he shook his, eyes traveling the whole room, "Don't want any of this."

Severide didn't reply, didn't know what to say because there wasn't anything to say, nothing he could say would make anything better, instead he opted to help Casey up, "Come on, let's get you cleaned up."

"No I don't…"

"Just let me help you."

A couple of days passed by. Casey had not forgotten about the bed wetting incident, he'd not forgotten about his confusion at the party, he'd not forgotten the plans that had been changed because of him. He was lying on his bed looking over to the left, snow was falling outside, big heavy flakes were gently hitting the window, he'd always hated the cold of Chicago winters but the first snow fall made everything look beautiful.

Unbeknown to him Severide was leaning on the door frame watching him, happy he was now lying pain free after a night spent in agony, Severide had already spoken to the doctor, they would increase the dose the pump emitted and extend the trial by a few days, Severide was more than disheartened having pinned his hopes on the idea. The bright white of the snow made Casey look even paler in its reflection around the room, highlighted the dark shadows around his almost glassy eyes, where there had been creases of pain between his brows was now relaxed but his cheeks were still sunken, his skin still sallow.

"Feeling better?" Severide edged into the room.

"Guess so…" he murmured, his voice like a gravelly whisper.

Severide sat down on the edge of the bed, smiled down at Sam who was stretched out alongside Casey, took a breath and questioned, "Are you happy Matt?"

"I'm tired," because he was exhausted, his body ached, his throat was raw, his stomach was tender, his head was heavy.

"I don't mean right now, I mean in general, are you happy?"

"I'm tired, tired of everything," he replied, barely aware of Severide's presence as he continued to look out at the falling snow.

"What do you want Matt?" Severide tried, "I want to help you, I do."

A few moments of silence and Casey pulled his attention away from the window and looked directly at Severide, "Want it to stop."

"What to stop? Pain? We'll find something else, the doc is gonna increase the dose and the pump is only the first…"

"Everything."

"Life?"

"What life?" Casey questioned sadly.

"Matt... I... what can I do?" he replied, distraught evidence in his tone, "I'm trying to make everything better, make it bearable..."

"It's not you. You can't fix me."

"Let's just give it another week Matt, just take it a week at a time... you're doing good," Severide tried but he knew what Casey would want at the end of each week and his eyes remained on the single tear that that trailed down Casey's cheek. "If you want to end this then ok," he could barely breath with the weight on his chest, "We've had our moments, we've had our differences but from day one you've helped me, we've both helped each other, we make up each other, we're a pair and if you weren't here... if you weren't here... but that's selfish. Matt if this is really what you want I'll help you."

"Please… I'm so sorry. I'm not strong enough. I'm sorry…" Sam was desperately trying to muzzle at Casey's cheek, trying to wipe away the tears.

"You're the strongest the man I've ever known Matt. It's unbearable to watch you… to watch you suffer, you don't deserve this, every day I wish it had happened to me, not you, at least there would have been some sense in that…"

"Was an accident." There was no sense in that. "Kelly… I _was_ happy but you can go and live your life, not stuck with me 'cause I am stuck…"

Severide nodded simply, afraid if he said much more he wouldn't go through with it, afraid that the tears would break out and flood the room, and he wasn't someone who cried, he never wanted Casey to see him distraught or upset in case it saddened him, in case he saw himself as a burden because he was anything but.

Severide got up, left Sam by Casey's side. He unlocked the medicine cabinet and returned to the bedroom.

"You'll just fall asleep," Severide explained, he turned away, the tears that had been threatening to fall were now imminent as he opened the box of auto-injectors.

"Kel... please don't cry…" Casey was looking up at him, eyes wide and watery, "Want this. Can't keep... can't keep doing it."

"I can," Severide breathed.

"No. No you can't. I can't," he shook his head, "Please stop… stop everything hurting."

"Matt..."

"I died in that building," Casey muttered.

"I know... and I'm so sorry." He took a deep steadying breath, "Ok. You'll just fall asleep and... and it'll be over. There won't be any pain."

"Thank you..."

No more words were spoken. No more words were needed as Severide took Casey's hand. He helped Casey push the syringes, slowly emptying them one by one. Severide continued even after Casey's eyes had closed. He let Casey's hand slip when he knew he'd done enough, the hand fell onto the bed, surrounded by the scattered empty morphine auto-injectors.

His eyes never left Casey's as he took out his phone and dialled 911. "I need an ambulance," his voice didn't feel like his own, "I think my friend's OD'd. He's not breathing."

Sam whimpered, nudged Casey's serene face, but he wouldn't wake.

The paramedics arrived in a blur, Severide had spent the entire time looking down at Casey's fading form, they prepared to resuscitate but he stopped them simply.

"No extraordinary measures, he has a DNR. He's not been breathing since I found him. This is it…"


	18. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I'm forgiven for the tragedy that stemmed out of my simple wish for Casey to have a service dog. When I wrote Adjust I never intended for any of this to happen so I just hope you are not as heartbroken as I am.

_"No extraordinary measures."_

Oh how he thought differently about that now. They had saved Casey more than once. But how much of Casey's life was left afterwards? He had suffered since he'd woken up after the OD, endured after he'd woken up from the coma.

Casey's life had ended when the beam had crushed his skull and sent splinters of bone into his brain. Over two years later Severide had felt oddly relieved when the paramedic called time of death.

Casey's death had of course been investigated. Blame was thrown around by his mom and sister. History was taken into account, statements were made and no one was found to be at fault.

Accidental death.

Shay had her suspicions the moment she'd arrived at the hospital but she would never question Severide. No one would. And no one would ever know what happened. Severide would take that night to the grave. The only guilt he felt was for not being able to help Casey but ultimately he had relieved his suffering, helped him the only way anyone really could.

The funeral was a sombre and quiet affair. Casey wouldn't have wanted anything else. Severide stayed until the end, Shay watched from underneath the shadow of a willow tree as he knelt down, Sam stood vigilantly beside him finally understanding where Casey had gone.

They put his badge and a simple plaque up at the firehouse since he hadn't died in the line of duty. Severide walked past it during every shift.

Severides life had changed during the last two years, some would say for the worse, and if Casey hadn't suffered for two years he would be grateful for his new outlook on life. He'd always known how fragile life is but never how precious, how changeable. Death wasn't so simple. Being alive didn't mean living, Casey had simply been surviving and the pain had become never-ending.

He still wished it had happened to him but there was no changing history, no rewrites, but if he could have taken just one day of Casey's suffering he would have taken it gladly. And ultimately that's what he did.

Severide was depressed for months following his death. He missed Casey, he wanted to be with him, not in the sense where he wanted to join but rather he wanted Casey to still be on this earth, without the pain and suffering.

He missed Casey.

Severide kept Sam and took him to the firehouse every shift.

He kept the house that Casey had put so much work into before the accident. It was full memories. Good memories that he didn't want to fade. Bad memories that stopped him feeling guilty for relieving Casey's mind-numbing suffering.

Severide hadn't visited Casey's headstone since the funeral. He didn't need to visit. Casey had left reminders of himself everywhere. He didn't sit and mourn. He did exactly what Casey had wished. But in the quiet moments, on those nights where sleep just wouldn't claim him, he felt an unquenchable longing.

He missed Casey.

Severide would go on to name his first son after Casey. Kids had never been part of his plan. That was always Casey. Family had never been part of his plan. But a head injury had never been in Casey's plan either.

Casey was a hero. Selfless. Brave. Genuine. The strongest man he had ever known.

He would never be forgotten.


End file.
